synflux | head above water

Ah-

[ Choso crumples and Yuji folds, the two of them torn asunder by the nature of their world.

Fighting, a constant fight, and despite the joy and peace Yuji has found here this is his element, where he was meant to be, born and bred for using his fists to maim and harm. When Choso drops he reaches out, falters, wonders: can his hands be used to soften and heal too, even now?

Carefully, he strokes his fingers through Choso’s hair, thumb pressing in, trying to offer comfort where he can, what little ability he has. He’s so tired, but won’t rest until he’s sure of his brother’s sanity. He knows better.

He learned.

Sinking into the bed, he tries a smile. ]

You saved me… Thank you. Sorry for making you worry.

[ he could cry. point of fact, he is already well on the way, but he can't do it like this, worm-like and pathetic, though the mere thought of getting up in any fashion is so exhausting of one he could die. but he doesn't. he hasn't yet, and neither has yuji, so choso gathers himself, takes heart and strength from the touch at his hair and lifts his useless hands back up to brace on the mattress edge so he may drag himself a little more upright. though his head hangs low, he still manages to wrangle control of the tight knot lodged somewhere up in the back of his throat. ]

I will always come for you. I will always come for you.

[ How is he meant to live up to this kind of devotion?

What did he do to earn anything like this? To have Choso so loyal, so secure at his side, risking so much? He’s not worth that, not worth this level of love, and it’s cloying, clogging his throat with heartache before he can stop himself.

(He thinks of turning a corner and seeing Nanamin, bloody and gone, and thinks of Choso rounding a corner and seeing him, and he’s filled with so much guilt that he feels sick with it).

Wiggling over, he makes space for Choso, invites him up, no hesitation. He knows what he needed after those fights, so maybe…

Maybe. ]

I know. I’m sorry I made you worry. I’m sorry, aniki.

[ He’s used the term before, but it feels more right now. Older brother. Is this what brotherhood is, when you’re cursed?

He invites his brother close all the same, no hesitation. ]

Why are you sorry? Why are you sorry? Of course I will worry for you.

[ exhaustion weighs him down like a sodden blanket but yuji, yuji needs him, this choso knows without doubt, so he pushes himself up on arms that barely support this weight, levers himself to feet that try to buckle at the knee. every muscle in his body screams now that he's had the time to cool off, adrenaline drained in place of his blood; it makes the transfer from chair to bed an agonizingly slow one, or so it feels, and he less crawls on and more tips onto the mattress. pitiful. it's easier work shimmying closer, all elbows and knees, so that by the time he's managed to situate himself parallel to yuji, he's spent, done, tired.

truly pitiful. but he still has the temerity to pant, ]

You're precious, Yuji, you are my precious little brother. What would I be if I didn't worry at all?

Yeah, but you shouldn't have to be -

[ Probably not an argument that's going to work on Choso.

Yuji shifts to make space for the bulk of his brother, adjusting his weight. He can feel all his fingers now, which is good, and when Choso is comfortable, settled, Yuji leans into him, pressing his face into the warm, solid weight of the curse's shoulder.

It's how they are in their room, shared space and bed, Choso wrapped around Yuji like a heated blanket, something he's had to get accustomed to. ]

I was trying to get Raidou out of there, but he was determined. I'm sorry that I made you worry.

[ choso is too busy letting go of his bones the rest of the way to even consider the idea that he shouldn't flip out over yuji every time he pours himself out like a pitcher. for the first time since awakening that morning, choso allows himself this moment to truly rest. he splays on his back in his annoyingly durable little plugsuit with his hair come mostly free of his sad little pigtails, looking all the more like a sad sap in triage dumped on a table than the just a visitor of the actual sad sap from triage. ]

You did good. In staying with him.

[ choso sounds like shit, which is apt, since he feels like it about as much. but here, this was better, this was right. like this, tucked in this close, he can feel the strong thud of yuji's heart beat resonating through his cursed technique as if it were his own, steady and uninterrupted. like this, he can finally relax.

is this a sigh of relief or a groan of agony? right now, the two are about equal in measure. ]

You pushed yourself far today, little brother.

I couldn't just leave him.

[ The bed groans like their limbs, dips like their spirits as Choso makes himself comfortable, and Yuji settles in for comfort and warmth. He drinks it from his brother like ambrosia, after so many hours of discomfort and loss, waiting for his body to knit itself back together. He's not necessarily going to try and hide his wounds, but he's well aware that his friends are going to have some sharp words for him.

He'd do it again, though. He knows he would.

Leaning in, he rests his head on Choso's shoulder with a sigh. ]

It was what I had to do. I know what my role is, so I'm going to keep fighting for it, even if people think it's the wrong thing to do.

It isn't wrong.

[ how can it be wrong to want to defend those closest? would choso not do the same for yuji, time and again? would raidou not do the same? bakugo, fushiguro megumi, all those disparate and shining others who bled and fought with them in that hollow park, would they not have done the same for their own people?

surely, this is the human experience. ]

But it is not a role to shoulder on your own, Yuji. Are we not here for the same purpose?

Maybe, but...

[ It's difficult to say. Yuji feels as though he has to carry the weight more because he's one of the few left. The people here that he loves are being given a second chance, so shouldn't they carry less of the burden? Mahito was right about him: he was there to kill curses in the same way he killed humans, without hesitation or pause.

Blinking back tears, he swallows. ]

I want to be strong enough to protect the others. So they don't have to.

Yuji...

[ with an effort, choso tips his head to look at him, the hand opposite yuji's side reaching up but... stopping some inches away from pink hair, as if uncertain, suddenly. ]

You... [ find the words, pick them out. lay them in an order that makes sense, choso, c'mon, even if it's slow, careful, syllable by syllable. ]

If you die in the effort, what do we do then?

I mean, I already died two times.

[ What's a third? But maybe that isn't the right thing to say to Choso right now. Hiding his face, Yuji sighs. ]

Isn't... I was meant to die anyway. It's a fair exchange, isn't it?

[ twice. twice? ]

How is that fair?

The life of someone destined to be executed for the life of someone else... It seems okay.

[ Yuji has accepted his death: he'd accepted it from the beginning. He no longer has the right to demand the way he dies. ]

[ it's a monumental feat to turn over, but choso manages to shift over onto his side enough to prop himself up on an elbow. ]

It isn't okay!

[ eyes wide, dark with exhaustion made all the more stark by the wan tinge to his skin, choso's expression is stricken. ]

Executed for who? For what? That one isn't with you anymore!

Choso, wait, listen -

[ The reaction he expected, but didn't deserve, Yuji's hand lifting to touch the warm shape of his brother's face, thumb pressing into the mark of blood on his cheek and nose. Comforting. Familiar. ]

All the things I did, though... Doesn't that deserve a punishment?

[ comforting, familiar, painful. yuji's touch is an agony. ]

NO!!!

[ the room seems to ring with his shout, sharp and cracking right down the middle like a split stone. the force of it ripping out of his throat bows his head, has him swaying forward until he's almost tipped onto yuji, clumsy and swaying even laid out horizontal like this. ]

Choso -

[ Yuji shifts, angling his body, his limp hand useless as the good one wraps around his brother, drawing him close. He should've kept his stupid mouth shut, forgot how weird and intense Choso is about this kind of thing, fingers reaching to stroke through his hair.

Soft, comforting, shaking, coming undone by the intensity of love. ]

- it's okay, I'm not going anywhere right now. I'm here, aren't I?

[ all the things he did, all the things yuji did, was that enough to warrant death? what did yuji do? hold a demon in his bones and bleed for it. what did yuji do? survive choso's attempt at murder in the depths of a gutted train station, just barely, just fucking barely and to what end?

a fact: yuji is sentenced to death for the crime of awakening as a vessel. a fact: shibuya was choso's crime; it was his hand that held open the door for the King of Curses to step through, his blood that broke the lock when it punched through yuji's organs like a bullet. he did not have to feed the fingers to yuji himself when he's the one who allowed it to happen in the first place. ]

Not now! Not ever! No!

[ why is yuji so accepting? how can he be so peaceful about this, this crushing fate when the weight of sin didn't belong on his shoulders?

choso shakes his head, tries to push yuji off and away, but his hands are shaking and soft, yuji is so raw he is an open wound and still he reaches for the dirt, for the clot of filth that kicked his knees out from under him.

weak, pitiful, choso hangs his head, arms shaking with the effort it takes to stay in yuji's hold without crushing the boy with the weight of his ruinous body.

how can he convey, how does he tell yuji he is faultless in a way that makes him understand? ]

Sorry, sorry, I'm sorry Choso!

[ Fingers stroke gently through his hair, arms draw him closer, dragging, stealing, keeping him close like an anchor. Stupid, of all the people in the world to say this kind of thing to, stupid to say it to Choso, one of the few who would feel wounded and broken by it. This bond between them, blood that he doesn't understand, making it ache all the more, his exhausted body limp and unsure.

Yuji lets Choso do what he wants. Crush him, devour him, cherish him or loathe him, whatever his brother wants. Yuji can carry the burden of Choso's feelings as much as he carries his own, will allow himself to bear this weight as he does others, because he loves; his mortal failing, he loves so desperately, he would look back, should someone he loved stumble, he would look back and damn himself to hell.

Leaning forward, he sniffles, the tears burning like pinpricks in his eyes. ]

It's okay. We're together, it's fine, I'm staying here. We're here.

[ it’s fine, it’s fine, he’s staying here, they were both here. execution could not be carried out where the law was dead and obsolete. here, yuji is no criminal. here, sukuna could not twist yuji’s fate.

defeated, choso collapses back onto his side, bones settling into his sprawl with arms tucked in close to his torso, hair come free from one pigtail to spill messily over what passed for sheets in the medbay. his mark oozes slow, ichorous, at odds with how freely the tears drip from sticky lashes to soak the bedspread. ]

Forgive me, Yuji.

[ Yuji keeps reaching, reaching and holding and bringing his brother close, feeling a little - a lot - awkward about it but also not wanting to let him go. This is his own fault for bringing up the stupid execution anyway, and with the higher ups gone and Sukuna elsewhere, can he really still be killed?

Does any of that stuff matter now, considering?

Leaning in, he touches his forehead to Choso's, closing his eyes. ]

You don't need to be forgiven. I know that... Brothers are really important to you.

[ this close, he can pick out each individual lash, see where the blood has dried and caked in to the fissures around yuji’s eyes. this close, choso can see the tracks left behind from yuji’s tears. this, too, is an agony: these tears were shed because of him, in some way. ]

They are everything.

[ rasped, shameful. shameful how choso can only reach in turn, pitiful creature, curling into yuji’s warmth.

this close, it almost feels like it did that first day when all three of them were together, new, alive.

here, all eight two of them where still together, battered, worn, alive. ]

You are everything. Do not be so eager to die so soon.

[ Yuji leans in, closing his eyes, lets himself bask in this. Allows himself to feel as if he is special, for once, and not... Some creature that needs to be put down. That needs to be killed. A monster made flesh, carrying a demon inside o fit. ]

Brother...

[ He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve this kindness, this tenderness, when he had killed so many, hurt so many, when it was at his hands that their brothers had died.

There's no way he deserves Choso's devotion.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he grips Choso a little harder, unconscious of his strength, grip tight, unfleeting, as if afraid to lose him. ]

I'm not eager, I'm just... Ready.

Here… with you…

[ barely a month in each other’s company and yuji’s ready for death, is this what anyone should want for their precious family?

of everyone, who is choso to judge?

he holds onto yuji in turn, hands curling around his little brother’s sides as the boy crushes the rest of the audacity out of choso’s body with his perfect hug.

perhaps it’s choso accepting this simple fact of life: yuji loves, yuji bleeds, and yuji will die when it comes time. perhaps it is the exhaustion of the day caught up all at once. perhaps it is simply that yuji squeezed the remaining daylights out of him. regardless the reason, choso is Out, clutching white-knuckled even in oblivion to what he can of his beloved and doomed little brother. ]

head above water

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