![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
[WHY SMACK >:////////]
I'm. [Oh, she's already going.] Malkuth. I'm no artist.
I'm. [Oh, she's already going.] Malkuth. I'm no artist.
[No fucking comment.]
And what would be another way.
And what would be another way.
...
[doing the]
[math lady meme what could this mean. bothering him? already doing that. touching his face? maybe touching? tttttttttttttttouching?]
[can he stop thinking about touching? fucking Hell]
What would that be...?
[doing the]
[math lady meme what could this mean. bothering him? already doing that. touching his face? maybe touching? tttttttttttttttouching?]
[can he stop thinking about touching? fucking Hell]
What would that be...?
[Ah.]
[So it was touching.]
[Her hands are small compared to his. His are grizzled, with the weight of time etched so drastically into his skin.]
[His fingertips curl only a fraction around hers, feeling an odd sort of warm feeling in his throat.]
...I tried, once. [He says, quietly.] But I've given up on such endeavors.
[So it was touching.]
[Her hands are small compared to his. His are grizzled, with the weight of time etched so drastically into his skin.]
[His fingertips curl only a fraction around hers, feeling an odd sort of warm feeling in his throat.]
...I tried, once. [He says, quietly.] But I've given up on such endeavors.
You can always try again.
[ there's nothing wrong with that, gaze turning down to their hands. she traces the scars and lines, time making its mark in the roughness of stone. it feels delightful, and she turns his hand over to lay against hers in invitation. ]
You can always try again, and again, and again until it sticks, until you make it stick. I know it sounds stupid, but something's only over once you give up on it.
[ there's nothing wrong with that, gaze turning down to their hands. she traces the scars and lines, time making its mark in the roughness of stone. it feels delightful, and she turns his hand over to lay against hers in invitation. ]
You can always try again, and again, and again until it sticks, until you make it stick. I know it sounds stupid, but something's only over once you give up on it.
[His hand has prominent veins - they shift only slightly under the sallow skin as she moves his hand, and he keeps it there, his thumb gently shifting against the side of hers.]
[The warm feeling falls like a stone into his stomach, though, that familiar, nauseous sense of despair welling up inside of him.]
[His gaze falls.]
I can't. I can't, Malkuth.
[The warm feeling falls like a stone into his stomach, though, that familiar, nauseous sense of despair welling up inside of him.]
[His gaze falls.]
I can't. I can't, Malkuth.
...
[He wants to bury his face in his own hands, but the hands she has feel like they're kept there, caged to her grip. He's powerful. And yet why does this make him feel so weak?]
[He heaves a sigh. His heart flutters in his chest, like a restless bird.]
I've lost...too much.
[He wants to bury his face in his own hands, but the hands she has feel like they're kept there, caged to her grip. He's powerful. And yet why does this make him feel so weak?]
[He heaves a sigh. His heart flutters in his chest, like a restless bird.]
I've lost...too much.
And you don't want to risk losing more.
[ a gentle squeeze. not that he will lose it, but the risk is above the reward.
... it is one thing she can't say she fully understands the aftermath of, since there was always a second path to go to the same end, but... now, here, she does get it. it's why she doesn't spend time with yesod and netzach. it's why she's keeping mum to all but two of the people she knows. it hurts, and it's lonely, but it's better this way.
it is. it has to be. ]
I won't force you. [ she knows you can't. ] But will you enjoy yourself a little bit in the moment? It doesn't have to be anything serious, but... I do like this.
[ touching him. talking to him. the back of her neck warming, eyes glancing down again. ]
[ a gentle squeeze. not that he will lose it, but the risk is above the reward.
... it is one thing she can't say she fully understands the aftermath of, since there was always a second path to go to the same end, but... now, here, she does get it. it's why she doesn't spend time with yesod and netzach. it's why she's keeping mum to all but two of the people she knows. it hurts, and it's lonely, but it's better this way.
it is. it has to be. ]
I won't force you. [ she knows you can't. ] But will you enjoy yourself a little bit in the moment? It doesn't have to be anything serious, but... I do like this.
[ touching him. talking to him. the back of her neck warming, eyes glancing down again. ]
[...]
[He does like this too, and that's the whole damn problem. Every time he tries his best to step away. Every time he takes his sword to try to snip away the connections, keep distant, be the good Fixer who has learned his lesson.]
[He hates this.]
[He loves this.]
[He's never wanted to pull out his own humanity so badly, because its devastating, how many times he falters. He always will. His eternal weakness, his forever bleeding heart.]
[He murmurs under his breath, feeling sick.]
Why does this heart not work like I want it to...?
[Why....why.....why?]
[He settles back in reality for a moment. Her hands in his. He squeezes them...gently, gently.]
It feels like...I shouldn't. But I...
[A start, stop. A start again. The words crack, hoarsely, like the stairs in an abandoned home.]
I do...like it. Too.
[He does like this too, and that's the whole damn problem. Every time he tries his best to step away. Every time he takes his sword to try to snip away the connections, keep distant, be the good Fixer who has learned his lesson.]
[He hates this.]
[He loves this.]
[He's never wanted to pull out his own humanity so badly, because its devastating, how many times he falters. He always will. His eternal weakness, his forever bleeding heart.]
[He murmurs under his breath, feeling sick.]
Why does this heart not work like I want it to...?
[Why....why.....why?]
[He settles back in reality for a moment. Her hands in his. He squeezes them...gently, gently.]
It feels like...I shouldn't. But I...
[A start, stop. A start again. The words crack, hoarsely, like the stairs in an abandoned home.]
I do...like it. Too.
[ it's a slow sort of thing, uneasy in the way he seems to tread it, and she keeps her words close -- because even the most damaged heart wants more, or at least wants to deserve more even if that "more" is violent -- and lets him go, step by creaking step, down the stairs of his abandoned desires.
she'll meet him at the door. ]
... I thought you might.
[ from the way he's been delicate, how he can't help but be with her. how it wasn't bad. someone who didn't like it might be rougher, might pull away. he hasn't. ]
I remembered dancing with you. [ finally. she clears her throat, their hands are literally so interesting. ] It was, um. Nice. Being held like that.
she'll meet him at the door. ]
... I thought you might.
[ from the way he's been delicate, how he can't help but be with her. how it wasn't bad. someone who didn't like it might be rougher, might pull away. he hasn't. ]
I remembered dancing with you. [ finally. she clears her throat, their hands are literally so interesting. ] It was, um. Nice. Being held like that.
And five EGOs to make use of, so don't worry about me.
[ of all people, don't worry about her. she's strong. she can handle it. she'll bear it all again, and again, and again. they don't need to think of anything but having fun. living freely. understanding themselves, growing, the way they should've always been able to.
she will, too. when she's not... this, dropping the body by a wall and staring down at it with a sort of odd longing. hunger. ]
It's different than the Gifts our employees got from the Abnormalities. Can you please look away, Yesod? I don't need you judging me right now.
[ of all people, don't worry about her. she's strong. she can handle it. she'll bear it all again, and again, and again. they don't need to think of anything but having fun. living freely. understanding themselves, growing, the way they should've always been able to.
she will, too. when she's not... this, dropping the body by a wall and staring down at it with a sort of odd longing. hunger. ]
It's different than the Gifts our employees got from the Abnormalities. Can you please look away, Yesod? I don't need you judging me right now.
You remember that, huh.
[Which is a bit of a surprise, given what states of inebriation they were in, but he thinks even if he was drunk, it would burn into the recesses of his mind like candlelight at the back of a cave.]
[He's been sitting in the darkness for too long. He thinks he deserves to be there.]
[He asks, his voice almost a whisper.]
Would you want it again?
[He can't ask for it for himself. Like a vampire, he must wait for someone to invite him in.]
[He can't do anything for himself.]
[He's been too selfish. What a nasty worm it is. Even if he can't love himself, he still wants that light more than he can handle.]
[Which is a bit of a surprise, given what states of inebriation they were in, but he thinks even if he was drunk, it would burn into the recesses of his mind like candlelight at the back of a cave.]
[He's been sitting in the darkness for too long. He thinks he deserves to be there.]
[He asks, his voice almost a whisper.]
Would you want it again?
[He can't ask for it for himself. Like a vampire, he must wait for someone to invite him in.]
[He can't do anything for himself.]
[He's been too selfish. What a nasty worm it is. Even if he can't love himself, he still wants that light more than he can handle.]
[He retracts his hands slowly.]
[And then, slowly, with the subtle tremor of a bomb defuser trying to remember the feeling of old tools in his hands, reaches forward. He's careful. He's so careful. As if he will be burned by this firefly, this tainted angel.]
[He slides them across her waist, then to her back. And solidly pulls her into an embrace.]
[He remembers this happiness.]
[He remembers this despair.]
[Both wound him more than any weapon could.]
[And then, slowly, with the subtle tremor of a bomb defuser trying to remember the feeling of old tools in his hands, reaches forward. He's careful. He's so careful. As if he will be burned by this firefly, this tainted angel.]
[He slides them across her waist, then to her back. And solidly pulls her into an embrace.]
[He remembers this happiness.]
[He remembers this despair.]
[Both wound him more than any weapon could.]
Edited 2024-04-09 21:22 (UTC)
[ the slowness makes her impatience worse. her hands itch, want to hurry him along, restless as she feels for it-- but she forces herself to still, her bitten grin the barest evidence of her eagerness and delight, and it's only once she's pulled close that she lets herself do the same.
slow, careful, just as he had, his larger hands leaving little fabric untouched in their wake compared to her own, she wraps her arms around his waist and rests against him with a soft exhale. solid and warmer than he'd ever like to believe.
comforting and easing the loneliness of her heart, distracted more by the way his arms swallow her whole.
a different kind of hug than kaito's desperate bid, and one asked for -- not heat of the moment, paired with a smile that fumbles her words. malkuth leans her head on him, closing her eyes. yeah, it's just like then. except she'd struggled to reach up over his shoulders, he'd... leaned down, voice so low the thought of it (though the words escape her, the volume does not) sends a shiver through her and she hums.
content. that's a good word for this, contrast to vergilius's own hateful discomfort of himself. ]
slow, careful, just as he had, his larger hands leaving little fabric untouched in their wake compared to her own, she wraps her arms around his waist and rests against him with a soft exhale. solid and warmer than he'd ever like to believe.
comforting and easing the loneliness of her heart, distracted more by the way his arms swallow her whole.
a different kind of hug than kaito's desperate bid, and one asked for -- not heat of the moment, paired with a smile that fumbles her words. malkuth leans her head on him, closing her eyes. yeah, it's just like then. except she'd struggled to reach up over his shoulders, he'd... leaned down, voice so low the thought of it (though the words escape her, the volume does not) sends a shiver through her and she hums.
content. that's a good word for this, contrast to vergilius's own hateful discomfort of himself. ]
[How many people had embraced him like this? And how many had he failed? Likely the same number.]
[He lays her head against him. His heart beats furtively under the surface, as if its ticking out a melody for her, and her alone. Look, it tells her. Even this monster has a heart.]
[Things would be so much easier if he didn't. Why was he born with this curse? He was made to bring suffering and suffer for it. Even so, he keeps making the same mistakes. He can never escape himself.]
[He lets out a sigh, shivering from the core of warmth she holds against him, and like a creature who only knew the cold he shifts in even more. His hand trails along her back, up her spine, over the nape of her neck.]
[He has the image of a fox nestling against a wolf and putting its head within its jaws.]
[It would be easy to bite.]
[But he doesn't.]
[He lays her head against him. His heart beats furtively under the surface, as if its ticking out a melody for her, and her alone. Look, it tells her. Even this monster has a heart.]
[Things would be so much easier if he didn't. Why was he born with this curse? He was made to bring suffering and suffer for it. Even so, he keeps making the same mistakes. He can never escape himself.]
[He lets out a sigh, shivering from the core of warmth she holds against him, and like a creature who only knew the cold he shifts in even more. His hand trails along her back, up her spine, over the nape of her neck.]
[He has the image of a fox nestling against a wolf and putting its head within its jaws.]
[It would be easy to bite.]
[But he doesn't.]
Edited 2024-04-09 23:22 (UTC)
Did he really say that I'm his least favorite! Hah!
[ They share a laugh, but past it Kaito continues to etch her words into his mind. He's taking notes. He's. Not sure why he's so intent on taking these notes. Kaito realizes he was drawn to Verg because of what he perceived as a bond of many shared traits just waiting to be unearthed. That's been partially true so far.
But these two also have a candid connection, and that's. It's.
—That's good. It's good for Malkuth, who needs the camaraderie most. Who doesn't deserve to feel so lonely.
Yeah. Kaito's eyes have glazed a bit through that stint of deep thought. He shakes the fog out. ]
I think I'm finding a balance. Our first meeting should have ended in disaster, but our second was more than half-decent. I think I can at the very least earn his friendship before things get to dicey. Or icy.
[ They share a laugh, but past it Kaito continues to etch her words into his mind. He's taking notes. He's. Not sure why he's so intent on taking these notes. Kaito realizes he was drawn to Verg because of what he perceived as a bond of many shared traits just waiting to be unearthed. That's been partially true so far.
But these two also have a candid connection, and that's. It's.
—That's good. It's good for Malkuth, who needs the camaraderie most. Who doesn't deserve to feel so lonely.
Yeah. Kaito's eyes have glazed a bit through that stint of deep thought. He shakes the fog out. ]
I think I'm finding a balance. Our first meeting should have ended in disaster, but our second was more than half-decent. I think I can at the very least earn his friendship before things get to dicey. Or icy.
[ she'd probably deserve it for letting her guard down so easily around him so often, even knowing he has an issue with her workplace. but that's that, and this is this; at least he seems to understand that better than others.
still, the hand that trails up marks with it a path she won't soon forget, heart stuttering and arms squeezing tighter around him. ]
Do that again. It felt good.
[ indulge her more... ]
still, the hand that trails up marks with it a path she won't soon forget, heart stuttering and arms squeezing tighter around him. ]
Do that again. It felt good.
[ indulge her more... ]
[That is that, this is this. Roland, who worked for the Library after that blood-filled night. Gebura, who he thought long dead. A woman in charge of it all. The sorrow that came in the form of a snake-like woman in purple and her monstrous companion.]
[He wishes he hated Malkuth for her association with all that. Truly hated her.]
[But he can't.]
[Even Nanseul, after what he had done...he couldn't.]
[This so-called cold machine of a Fixer, and all he has done is let people be themselves, run him over, use him, and he's allowed it. He deserves it. This misery (this happiness, he's happy, he's so happy) now, he deserves it, too, right?]
[She squeezes him, asks for more. He concedes to her, and does it again, dropping it down before rubbing upwards, letting his gnarled fingers brush up and over her scalp, petting through her hair.]
[He whispers once more.]
Is it good...?
[He wishes he hated Malkuth for her association with all that. Truly hated her.]
[But he can't.]
[Even Nanseul, after what he had done...he couldn't.]
[This so-called cold machine of a Fixer, and all he has done is let people be themselves, run him over, use him, and he's allowed it. He deserves it. This misery (this happiness, he's happy, he's so happy) now, he deserves it, too, right?]
[She squeezes him, asks for more. He concedes to her, and does it again, dropping it down before rubbing upwards, letting his gnarled fingers brush up and over her scalp, petting through her hair.]
[He whispers once more.]
Is it good...?
Mmm... Mmhmm.
[ different than march playing with her hair. it has more intent, makes her tilt up into it not unlike the small animal he'd pegged her as today. ]
I've never had anyone touch me like this before, so it's... really good.
[ a little bit of a sigh, there. ]
[ different than march playing with her hair. it has more intent, makes her tilt up into it not unlike the small animal he'd pegged her as today. ]
I've never had anyone touch me like this before, so it's... really good.
[ a little bit of a sigh, there. ]
Page 12 of 23