WHO: kaito and pals WHAT: post-surgery and mid-month event shenanigans WHERE: around town WHEN: from april 12 to the end of the month WARNINGS: potential discussion of body horror; will update as things Go On
[ Kaito tries to read into her emotions while processing her words. To understand how she feels on as many levels as he can, in a way only he can. This evening has become so uncannily nostalgic, like he's being brought back to a past life. He might even wager that it is a past life, on the school's rooftop, smoking with Ritsuko.
How easy would it be, to snip the thread right here and now? To simply say that he also doesn't want to commit to anything, that he'll be fine with whatever she chooses to do down the line? That's respectful enough, isn't it?
But it'd be a lie. Is this not the culmination of his hazy, half-remembered encounters with everyone? Of his most recent conversation with Sooyoung? Did he not resolve for something different, this time? Can't he, at the very least— ]
I'm sorry I never gave you the chance to speak up.
[ —Apologize? ]
Not now, not the night before, not even during our dance. I forced you to carry everything without taking any responsibility for my words. Even now, I was going to do it again.
[ Kaito shakes his head. Laughs; bitter, but somewhat relieved. ] How much time did I waste as a result? Time that could have been spent laughing and enjoying ourselves? Stupid.
Listen, Malkuth. ...I don't want to run. I'm just scared. Scared I'll hurt you, scared I won't be able to give you what you want, scared of the next smooth talker who knows how to ask for what he wants coming up to you and snatching you away. Hell, if we were back on Earth, I'd be scared of a goddess swooping in to take you away just because you'd be in the way.
...I'm rambling. [ Another shake of the head. More vigorous. He tries to settle his blue-gold (indecisive, just as afraid as he is to commit one way or another) pools on hers, but he's a little dizzy. It prompts a small, sheepish smile. ]
I'll say it. Fairly, this time. On even footing—where I'm not going to forget because I was ill, and where you won't be able to forget because you're drunk. [ Kaito straightens up. Holds trembling, scar-riddled hands out for her to take or ignore. ]
You are, without exception, the most important person in the world to me. 'Liking you' isn't a strong enough descriptor to match my feelings towards you, Malkuth. Everything about our friendship makes me feel weightless. When you're around me, life feels like it's regained a piece that's been missing for years. Your smile is sunlight, and I'm a stupid sunflower who's always going to be chasing that warmth.
I'm terrified of what lies between those lines... But I want to know, too. I want to know everything about you. All of you. And if that means I have to... If I have to give you the same in turn, then...
I want to try.
I don't know what that means for our friendship. What it will mean. But fuck it, who cares? If it's not going to kill me for good, why don't I just try? Maybe... we can try, one step at a time, to understand each other fully. And then... go from there.
[ Kaito pauses there. Wheezes out a sigh. His pulse has skyrocketed. His head's feeling light. But he doesn't dare break away from her gaze. He can't. If he does now, he may never reclaim his nerves.
He's just, y'know. Trying to muster the words again.
[ of course she takes his hands. it's without reservation, without hesitation, that they grasp his, squeezing firmly. there's no need to be scared, no need to tremble. even if she's the reason for it.
they're such lovely words. meant for her, and her alone; it's baffling in a way, that she of all people could have an effect on another. not even such an effect -- just one in general. there's no safety net of alcohol, of illness or fatigue. there's no excuse to be found. there's simple, honest truth.
and it feels nice. it feels unbelievable. so much of her wants to battle it, heart trembling the way his hands had before, and malkuth buries her face into his hands with a deep, shaky sigh. why is it always so hard to look people in the eyes when they're honest with her like this?
(... her?) ]
Mm. [ just a small sound. a soft tremble to her voice. ] Thank you. For being honest with me, and for being fair.
[ she knows it's hard. he's made as such clear. malkuth wonders if elijah had had the time, if she could've spoken up too. maybe, maybe not; that future had been stolen from her, and with it her chance too. if she'd ever had the thought. ]
And... you're forgiven, too.
[ of course he is. she'd forgiven vergilius for the same. as if there was ever a doubt she wouldn't, even if it would've taken longer. malkuth isn't a patient person. but she knows what can't be rushed, and what can be. relationships are something that can't be -- she's learned this the hard way, with ishmael herself. ]
There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere, at least not willingly. Okay? I promise. I'll take my time reading your story, and I expect you to take your time, too. Though I don't have anything to hide if you ask about it.
[ Waiting for her response almost makes Kaito sick. He's put the truth out there; it's vulnerable. He's vulnerable. Seconds pass like an eternity. Malkuth takes his hands, even buries her face in them. And he cradles her, careful and gentle, but his heart threatens to slam its way out of his chest with how fiercely it thunders.
When she finally responds, he feels the tension ebb out of his chest, out of his everything. He wants to fall forward and cry. Scream. Laugh. Relief and happiness wind their way into his heart. For the first time, he's exposed his neck and allowed his feelings—allowed himself—to be perceived unconditionally.
It feels good. It feels right. ]
Thank you, [ Kaito murmurs, squeezing her cheeks. He doesn't let go, but instead carefully pushes to his feet, shuffles around the chair, and plops down. The weight that presses down on her lap is light—he's not settling in fully, which you can argue is a kind consideration or him holding back again. His gaze finally returns to gold. Lips curl a warm smile. ]
I want it all, y'know. I've been told I'm a voracious reader. I want to learn—about you, and the city, and Elijah, too. I want to pour over every chapter of your story. I want to understand the the good, the ugly, everything in between. Everything that makes you who you are.
[ Kaito leans in. His hands shift away, sliding over her shoulders to he can loop her into an embrace. His forehead bumps hers. ]
...And I'll give you everything, in turn.
[ A commitment, faint yet firm. Kaito doesn't tease closing the distance, doesn't whisper against her lips. But his embrace coils a little tighter. His weight settles a little more firmly in her lap. The intent is there, gleaming in golden pools. ]
...
[ A nervous chuckle puffs out. Kaito closes his eyes for a moment, providing her a brief respite from his gaze. When he opens them again, his lips part to ask: ]
again, all too much, more in distance than the outpouring of feelings like it had been in his room. of course she likes the physicality. there's not a doubt she enjoys it, and it's not even her first time being trapped in a way with eyes she could get lost in.
but her hand comes up and pushes his face away with a short laugh; didn't she just say there was no rush? it's too much, a sort of discomfort bleeding from her heart at the lack of control, the lack of choice she has between giving him what he'd like and having the space to choose it herself, and yes, she feels bad. there's simply a difference. ]
You're way too close, Kaito. Go cool off.
[ because it is, in a way, an overflowing of emotions, even if she can't feel it herself. go, shoo, back to her bed, give her room to breath. ]
[ He feels it before she confirms, but Kaito still feels a frown pull at his lips when he hears the delivery.
When he pulls away, it's to the door he retreats, not her bed. He stares at the steel, pensive, maybe a little... He can't quantify the other blip of emotion he's feeling right now. ]
Okay. [ Belated, but a reply nonetheless. ] A simple 'no' would have sufficed—that kinda hurt—but I think I understand a ltttle better now.
[ The dragon turns his gaze over and down, offering an apologetic smile. ]
This seems like a good time to separate and process our feelings. Where we can both be in control.
[ It's going to be a task to navigate that base need, he realizes. To control, and to be in control.
A beat. Kaito smiles again. He isn't pushing forward just yet. Something odd yet familiar gnaws at him from the recessed of his memories. ]
...I would like to stay, though. I just... don't know if you want me to anymore.
[ is all she offers up, slowing her heart as she watches him with some uncertainty. they're still friends. at base, they're still friends. but just as he doesn't know if he can give her all she might want, she doesn't know the same. ]
... I hope someday, you feel comfortable enough not to read me like that. So if you feel like it's better to go, for yourself or for me, then go ahead. I'm only a few doors down.
[ and she always ever will be, as long as she has a say in it. ]
[ malkuth'd turned back to her carving, careful to skim just enough
skin off her finger, staring at the welling blood with a groan as she wraps it tight in her shirt to stem the scrape and set the cat aside again, knocking the door open with her ankle. she is trying so hard not to be annoyed but it's just the irritation of being startled it's her fault for not using the gloves she promised rodya she'd buy.
He's changed into black sweatpants and a bright fucking yellow Everlight shirt that's seen a few paint and food and soil stains. A pair of gloves are tucked under his arm and a few birch blocks sit haphazardly in his hands.
He also immediately squints at her wrapped finger. ]
...
Good thing I brought gloves.
[ A beat. He looks up, sheepish. ]
...Hi. I'm Stupid, from down the hall.
I'd like to spend some time with my best friend doing something fun instead of going a week and a half straight full of guilt.
[ ... she really didn't think he'd be back, so she stands there a moment before glancing at his materials and easing, a grin tugging at her lips. ]
There might be. As long as you promise to clean your space when you're done.
[ and she'll step back in with a wave of her uninjured hand, searching through her nightstand before finding the needed bandages (few as they are, now) and going back to sit at her desk. don't worry she'll put her gloves on before she starts again. ]
There's not exactly a lot of room though, so... make do. What're you thinking of making? I've been asking people's favorite animals and using that as practice myself.
[ Despite his nonchalant reintroduction, the relief that washes over Kaito is palpable even to cinderblocks. He's quick to dart in and chuck his things on the bed. ]
I'm literally eighty-five percent water elemental. What part about me isn't clean, huh? And you should let me heal that cut.
[ There it is. Finally. A no frills grin. But he does hold his hand out expectantly. ]
I'm making a surprise, so I can't talk about it yet. I have a teeeeeeny bit of experience from the one time I read a whittling book in university, so we're basically on par with each other.
No, I have more experience. I've been doing this for a week or two now.
[ ha!!! ha!!! she's the senior here!!! but she'll narrow her eyes at him, playfully suspicious, before tugging off her glove with her teeth and handing her. well. hand over. ]
It's a pretty good way to keep myself busy though, when I'm not dragging people out to eat with me. And they make fine little gifts.
[ Kaito sticks his tongue out as his eyes spark blue. He flourishes his fingers in a circle over Malkuth's hand, dousing her finger in his regular healing magics—slow and steady.
A bandaid is then snatched and wrapped around the digit. ]
There. All better, soon. [ Kaito grabs a slender block and... doesn't put his gloves on. ]
By the way, I'll have to borrow a knife. I hope you have a spare. Don't ask where this wood came from.
[ please. she's taking his gloves and tossing them at his face first, then turns away to peer at her carving knives before handing it back at him. her hand tingles from his magic, and stays that way once she's tugged her glove back on. ]
Start with that one, it'll be easiest to score off larger swipes than what I'm using for detail work... and probably that weird pocket dimension Rumba's in. How's he doing?
[ Kaito sticks his tongue out again before slipping his gloves on. A little fiddling with the knife serves as a quick reboot on the memories of his time carving in university.
...Nostalgia. Within a few minutes, he's carved out an evenly-shaped prism, spinning it on the flat or the knife. ]
The library will be fine without a chunk or ten. Rumba's... okay. A little lonely. He's been getting lethargic lately. I'm worried.
[ it's nice to listen to, careful as she carves out the tail of the sleeping cat. maybe she should see if netzach would like to do something like this too... mm. ]
Poor guy... Maybe he just needs something to play with. Why don't you adopt one of the strays that love you so much? I'll come by and visit with my ducks when I get them, too.
[ Ducks? A quirky smile quirks it's way into Kaito's quirky face. ]
...And here I thought that was just a preference from the Library. Are you really planning on housing ducks here?
[ Snicker, snicker. Kaito reaches for a detailing knife, but doesn't start working with it just yet. ]
I had originally wanted to adopt a stray or two, but... I think they're better left alone.
The outside is their home, after all. They belong there. Rumba and the other hybrids being withheld from LILITH...
They're like us. Outsiders with no proper home. I wouldn't want to cramp any of those cats in here with Rumba. I'll find a proper playmate for him.
[ With that, he sets about flicking the top of the detailing knife into his prism. ] But that's just my personal opinion. Until then, I'll try bringing a few more toys. And maybe your ducks will bring him some joy.
I am. Ryoji said he'd help parent them, so we're gonna work something out together.
[ mama malkuth and papa ryoji... it makes sense though, that he'd leave them there; at the same time, she thinks they might be happier indoors. or could become happier indoors. they'd certainly live longer, wouldn't they?
the questions press at her mind as she sets the cat aside, finished, and reaches for a small resting duck she'd carved only a little bit earlier. its partners thus delivered. ]
... I dunno. I mean, they're only strays because they lost their homes, right? What's wrong with trying to give them new ones? And your domain was pretty spacious... I could see feeding them being a hassle, though.
Ducks have been my favorite animal since my first life, by the way.
[ she stops playing with the carved animal for a moment to pluck a yellow pen from a cup, a small similarly colored duck head set atop it, and wiggles it at him. ]
This is a birthday gift I got from someone at the end of March, and it's my current most prized possession. It sort of reminds me of the one I used to have back then, and in the Library too, so... I'm really touched. Especially since I doubt Yesod remembers the before times too well.
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2/2
How easy would it be, to snip the thread right here and now? To simply say that he also doesn't want to commit to anything, that he'll be fine with whatever she chooses to do down the line? That's respectful enough, isn't it?
But it'd be a lie. Is this not the culmination of his hazy, half-remembered encounters with everyone? Of his most recent conversation with Sooyoung? Did he not resolve for something different, this time? Can't he, at the very least— ]
I'm sorry I never gave you the chance to speak up.
[ —Apologize? ]
Not now, not the night before, not even during our dance. I forced you to carry everything without taking any responsibility for my words. Even now, I was going to do it again.
[ Kaito shakes his head. Laughs; bitter, but somewhat relieved. ] How much time did I waste as a result? Time that could have been spent laughing and enjoying ourselves? Stupid.
Listen, Malkuth. ...I don't want to run. I'm just scared. Scared I'll hurt you, scared I won't be able to give you what you want, scared of the next smooth talker who knows how to ask for what he wants coming up to you and snatching you away. Hell, if we were back on Earth, I'd be scared of a goddess swooping in to take you away just because you'd be in the way.
...I'm rambling. [ Another shake of the head. More vigorous. He tries to settle his blue-gold (indecisive, just as afraid as he is to commit one way or another) pools on hers, but he's a little dizzy. It prompts a small, sheepish smile. ]
I'll say it. Fairly, this time. On even footing—where I'm not going to forget because I was ill, and where you won't be able to forget because you're drunk. [ Kaito straightens up. Holds trembling, scar-riddled hands out for her to take or ignore. ]
You are, without exception, the most important person in the world to me. 'Liking you' isn't a strong enough descriptor to match my feelings towards you, Malkuth. Everything about our friendship makes me feel weightless. When you're around me, life feels like it's regained a piece that's been missing for years. Your smile is sunlight, and I'm a stupid sunflower who's always going to be chasing that warmth.
I'm terrified of what lies between those lines... But I want to know, too. I want to know everything about you. All of you. And if that means I have to... If I have to give you the same in turn, then...
I want to try.
I don't know what that means for our friendship. What it will mean. But fuck it, who cares? If it's not going to kill me for good, why don't I just try? Maybe... we can try, one step at a time, to understand each other fully. And then... go from there.
[ Kaito pauses there. Wheezes out a sigh. His pulse has skyrocketed. His head's feeling light. But he doesn't dare break away from her gaze. He can't. If he does now, he may never reclaim his nerves.
He's just, y'know. Trying to muster the words again.
Maybe he needs a little break. ]
no subject
they're such lovely words. meant for her, and her alone; it's baffling in a way, that she of all people could have an effect on another. not even such an effect -- just one in general. there's no safety net of alcohol, of illness or fatigue. there's no excuse to be found. there's simple, honest truth.
and it feels nice. it feels unbelievable. so much of her wants to battle it, heart trembling the way his hands had before, and malkuth buries her face into his hands with a deep, shaky sigh. why is it always so hard to look people in the eyes when they're honest with her like this?
(... her?) ]
Mm. [ just a small sound. a soft tremble to her voice. ] Thank you. For being honest with me, and for being fair.
[ she knows it's hard. he's made as such clear. malkuth wonders if elijah had had the time, if she could've spoken up too. maybe, maybe not; that future had been stolen from her, and with it her chance too. if she'd ever had the thought. ]
And... you're forgiven, too.
[ of course he is. she'd forgiven vergilius for the same. as if there was ever a doubt she wouldn't, even if it would've taken longer. malkuth isn't a patient person. but she knows what can't be rushed, and what can be. relationships are something that can't be -- she's learned this the hard way, with ishmael herself. ]
There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere, at least not willingly. Okay? I promise. I'll take my time reading your story, and I expect you to take your time, too. Though I don't have anything to hide if you ask about it.
no subject
When she finally responds, he feels the tension ebb out of his chest, out of his everything. He wants to fall forward and cry. Scream. Laugh. Relief and happiness wind their way into his heart. For the first time, he's exposed his neck and allowed his feelings—allowed himself—to be perceived unconditionally.
It feels good. It feels right. ]
Thank you, [ Kaito murmurs, squeezing her cheeks. He doesn't let go, but instead carefully pushes to his feet, shuffles around the chair, and plops down. The weight that presses down on her lap is light—he's not settling in fully, which you can argue is a kind consideration or him holding back again. His gaze finally returns to gold. Lips curl a warm smile. ]
I want it all, y'know. I've been told I'm a voracious reader. I want to learn—about you, and the city, and Elijah, too. I want to pour over every chapter of your story. I want to understand the the good, the ugly, everything in between. Everything that makes you who you are.
[ Kaito leans in. His hands shift away, sliding over her shoulders to he can loop her into an embrace. His forehead bumps hers. ]
...And I'll give you everything, in turn.
[ A commitment, faint yet firm. Kaito doesn't tease closing the distance, doesn't whisper against her lips. But his embrace coils a little tighter. His weight settles a little more firmly in her lap. The intent is there, gleaming in golden pools. ]
...
[ A nervous chuckle puffs out. Kaito closes his eyes for a moment, providing her a brief respite from his gaze. When he opens them again, his lips part to ask: ]
...May I?
no subject
again, all too much, more in distance than the outpouring of feelings like it had been in his room. of course she likes the physicality. there's not a doubt she enjoys it, and it's not even her first time being trapped in a way with eyes she could get lost in.
but her hand comes up and pushes his face away with a short laugh; didn't she just say there was no rush? it's too much, a sort of discomfort bleeding from her heart at the lack of control, the lack of choice she has between giving him what he'd like and having the space to choose it herself, and yes, she feels bad. there's simply a difference. ]
You're way too close, Kaito. Go cool off.
[ because it is, in a way, an overflowing of emotions, even if she can't feel it herself. go, shoo, back to her bed, give her room to breath. ]
no subject
When he pulls away, it's to the door he retreats, not her bed. He stares at the steel, pensive, maybe a little... He can't quantify the other blip of emotion he's feeling right now. ]
Okay. [ Belated, but a reply nonetheless. ] A simple 'no' would have sufficed—that kinda hurt—but I think I understand a ltttle better now.
[ The dragon turns his gaze over and down, offering an apologetic smile. ]
This seems like a good time to separate and process our feelings. Where we can both be in control.
[ It's going to be a task to navigate that base need, he realizes. To control, and to be in control.
A beat. Kaito smiles again. He isn't pushing forward just yet. Something odd yet familiar gnaws at him from the recessed of his memories. ]
...I would like to stay, though. I just... don't know if you want me to anymore.
Thoughts?
no subject
[ is all she offers up, slowing her heart as she watches him with some uncertainty. they're still friends. at base, they're still friends. but just as he doesn't know if he can give her all she might want, she doesn't know the same. ]
... I hope someday, you feel comfortable enough not to read me like that. So if you feel like it's better to go, for yourself or for me, then go ahead. I'm only a few doors down.
[ and she always ever will be, as long as she has a say in it. ]
no subject
[ It seems Kaito's finally out of words. He just bumps his knee forward on the door, prompting it to open.
I'm only a few doors down.
An effortless, fathomless distance. A distance regardless. Kaito just nods before silently walking out. ]
no subject
loud and insistent.
Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-smack. ]
no subject
skin off her finger, staring at the welling blood with a groan as she wraps it tight in her shirt to stem the scrape and set the cat aside again, knocking the door open with her ankle. she is trying so hard not to be annoyed but it's just the irritation of being startled it's her fault for not using the gloves she promised rodya she'd buy.
what is it.............. who is it........ ]
no subject
He's changed into black sweatpants and a bright fucking yellow Everlight shirt that's seen a few paint and food and soil stains. A pair of gloves are tucked under his arm and a few birch blocks sit haphazardly in his hands.
He also immediately squints at her wrapped finger. ]
...
Good thing I brought gloves.
[ A beat. He looks up, sheepish. ]
...Hi. I'm Stupid, from down the hall.
I'd like to spend some time with my best friend doing something fun instead of going a week and a half straight full of guilt.
Is there an opening tonight?
no subject
There might be. As long as you promise to clean your space when you're done.
[ and she'll step back in with a wave of her uninjured hand, searching through her nightstand before finding the needed bandages (few as they are, now) and going back to sit at her desk. don't worry she'll put her gloves on before she starts again. ]
There's not exactly a lot of room though, so... make do. What're you thinking of making? I've been asking people's favorite animals and using that as practice myself.
no subject
I'm literally eighty-five percent water elemental. What part about me isn't clean, huh? And you should let me heal that cut.
[ There it is. Finally. A no frills grin. But he does hold his hand out expectantly. ]
I'm making a surprise, so I can't talk about it yet. I have a teeeeeeny bit of experience from the one time I read a whittling book in university, so we're basically on par with each other.
no subject
[ ha!!! ha!!! she's the senior here!!! but she'll narrow her eyes at him, playfully suspicious, before tugging off her glove with her teeth and handing her. well. hand over. ]
It's a pretty good way to keep myself busy though, when I'm not dragging people out to eat with me. And they make fine little gifts.
no subject
[ Kaito sticks his tongue out as his eyes spark blue. He flourishes his fingers in a circle over Malkuth's hand, dousing her finger in his regular healing magics—slow and steady.
A bandaid is then snatched and wrapped around the digit. ]
There. All better, soon. [ Kaito grabs a slender block and... doesn't put his gloves on. ]
By the way, I'll have to borrow a knife. I hope you have a spare. Don't ask where this wood came from.
no subject
Start with that one, it'll be easiest to score off larger swipes than what I'm using for detail work... and probably that weird pocket dimension Rumba's in. How's he doing?
no subject
You're not allowed to guess, either.
[ Kaito sticks his tongue out again before slipping his gloves on. A little fiddling with the knife serves as a quick reboot on the memories of his time carving in university.
...Nostalgia. Within a few minutes, he's carved out an evenly-shaped prism, spinning it on the flat or the knife. ]
The library will be fine without a chunk or ten. Rumba's... okay. A little lonely. He's been getting lethargic lately. I'm worried.
no subject
Poor guy... Maybe he just needs something to play with. Why don't you adopt one of the strays that love you so much? I'll come by and visit with my ducks when I get them, too.
no subject
...And here I thought that was just a preference from the Library. Are you really planning on housing ducks here?
[ Snicker, snicker. Kaito reaches for a detailing knife, but doesn't start working with it just yet. ]
I had originally wanted to adopt a stray or two, but... I think they're better left alone.
The outside is their home, after all. They belong there. Rumba and the other hybrids being withheld from LILITH...
They're like us. Outsiders with no proper home. I wouldn't want to cramp any of those cats in here with Rumba. I'll find a proper playmate for him.
[ With that, he sets about flicking the top of the detailing knife into his prism. ] But that's just my personal opinion. Until then, I'll try bringing a few more toys. And maybe your ducks will bring him some joy.
no subject
[ mama malkuth and papa ryoji... it makes sense though, that he'd leave them there; at the same time, she thinks they might be happier indoors. or could become happier indoors. they'd certainly live longer, wouldn't they?
the questions press at her mind as she sets the cat aside, finished, and reaches for a small resting duck she'd carved only a little bit earlier. its partners thus delivered. ]
... I dunno. I mean, they're only strays because they lost their homes, right? What's wrong with trying to give them new ones? And your domain was pretty spacious... I could see feeding them being a hassle, though.
Ducks have been my favorite animal since my first life, by the way.
[ she stops playing with the carved animal for a moment to pluck a yellow pen from a cup, a small similarly colored duck head set atop it, and wiggles it at him. ]
This is a birthday gift I got from someone at the end of March, and it's my current most prized possession. It sort of reminds me of the one I used to have back then, and in the Library too, so... I'm really touched. Especially since I doubt Yesod remembers the before times too well.