( closed ) life like the unplumbed sea;

[transmit]

WHO: Elysium & friends(?)
WHAT: This is now just a catch-all for everything
WHERE: Everywhere
WHEN: 2024
WARNINGS: Blanket warning for possible explorations of dark themes in general, please tread at your own risk. I will, however, endeavour to include specifics in headers if applicable.

Comments

[ignoreher]

... I know. It's just kind of funny you're asking all of that, when it's something I asked myself a long time ago now.

[ he's getting tired, she can tell. the looseness of his grip is from the exertion he's putting in for her, and -- malkuth still doesn't know what he wants out of this, out of her or them or anything when he pushes as much as he tugs, but it's fine for now. she'll take his arm from around her, trying to press him back to laying down and she'll simply hold his hand instead. grounding, grounding.

if he won't let her do the latter, at the very least she'll sit more on his bed and talk to him that way. ]

When I worked in the Library, I had a lot of time to think about stuff like that. What I wanted to do with my past, how I wanted to move forward, and the way I'd handle anything in the future. The result of that thought is why I can do what I do now -- these missions and their less than ideal outcomes, losing the people I love thanks to my own negligence or something out of my control, even roughing up against others like Ishmael...

... are all things I can handle because I'd learned, through the stories of others and by drawing the timeline of a City that measured its history only in conflict and technological advances, that there's a world of color in every experience. I was the cause of a lot of pain and a lot of death, and so I decided that I'd never forget their names or their stories even as I fought Guest after Guest, thinking they were continuing that list of victims I had under my belt. I don't regret that it happened, but more that... it had to happen. That's why I'm sad that the people around here felt they had to rely on sacrificial means and a "god" that was just using them.

[ it's a lot of words, and she keeps her tone even and soft, wiping at her eyes with a sleeve. less detachment and more... of a story she's told before in essence, a little fond, a little bittersweet. ]

It's the same here, in Brașov. In Seoul and Vegas. I won't forget the people who died, [ the people she'd buried after the Yamadenki, too, pulling their bodies six feet under, ] but that doesn't mean it holds me back any -- I use that frustration as fuel to find ways I... we can do better next mission. To have less losses, to have better communication, to make sure the kaiju destroys less. Or try.

[ malkuth won't mind if elysium's drifted off by now, really, it isn't as if she's checking. but her smile is something a little more farther off. ]

You really talk like you know everything sometimes, Ely. There's better ways to word your questions than to make them sound like accusations -- especially when your goal was supposed to be consoling a crying girl after she'd been kidnapped, tortured, and forced to witness one of her best friends dying.

[transmit]

[ What he wants out of anything is something no one should explore too deeply, thanks. ]

Is that how I came across? My baaaad… [ haha. Weak laughter, brows tensing again as he resists going down. A poke to the side of her abdomen, as he leans more of his weight against her instead. ] If you wanted me to treat you like I would anyone else, you wouldn't have asked me how I was with crying girls.

[ Someone who froze up, who didn't know how to comfort and held back for fear of saying the wrong thing—someone who'd sooner walk away than risk making things worse. The nature of their relationship was opposed to that: a steady balance of contention, necessary or not, that they rarely found anywhere else. ]

… you aren't any weaker because of your tears. It's as you've said, they're what embolden you. But just because you have all that experience and the conviction to not let the past hold you back, it doesn't make the pain now hurt any less. You talk a lot about moving forward, about making amends and handling things, but… what about you, right now? For a girl who's been kidnapped, tortured, and forced to watch a close friend die…

I wonder how much kindness you're really affording yourself, that's all. … Miss 'I probably got off pretty easy…'

[ The detachment—he knows it all too well. Even the telling of a story close to your heart. The 'just move on,' tucking yesterday's lessons into a corner of your heart, never to be forgotten, telling yourself you won't make the same mistakes again. It's not a question of whether or not you'll buckle under the weight or not one day, it's that you won't because you can't.

On the subject of fading smiles, this is how he eventually drifts off—with mumbled words trailing into silence and his body going slack. Her body against his isn't exactly warmth; physically, yes, but it feels akin to leaning against a mirror in certain respects, cold, cool, a reflection he doesn't want to acknowledge but has no choice to. Allowing themselves kindness. If only it were that simple. ]

[ignoreher]

[ ... not enough kindness, some may say, and she's quiet as she thinks over the words. march always got mad at her too for that. izou had this time, too. not to mention yesod... gebura understood, but even she had lifted the burden of being strong off of malkuth's shoulders with her arrival. she feels the weight more on her and sighs, mumbling her smart reply quietly. ]

Probably about as much as you do, Mister 'Tit for Tat'.

[ she doesn't move him off right away, closing her eyes briefly to take the quieter comfort of someone being there, even asleep, before she does so gently.

how many people does he let comfort him in any way? does he always just see what he can do for another person rather than let them do anything for him? either in return, or without intent beyond because they'd like to...? the questions pile slowly as malkuth looks down at him, before she frowns and reaches over to pinch his cheek

stopping short to smooth the blanket over instead. either way, he's better off than how she'd found him, and she has a wife to get back to. a little more rest'll do him well, and then he'll be up to annoy the living daylights out of everyone again. or cheer them, if they're open to it.

... malkuth knows she will be, for all the shit she gives him at times. she'll practice cooking again since he bothered to answer after all. ]