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(CLOSED) no more calling like a crow for a boy
WHO: Yuta & Yuji (ft. Muramasa??)
WHAT: Awkward run-ins at peepaw's
WHERE: Outside the Forge
WHEN: Sometime over a week after returning from the Underworld.
WARNINGS: None.
[ For once, Yuta listens when he's told to take a break. With the wounded tended to as much as reverse cursed technique will be useful for with the worst of the aftermath dealt with, there is time for it. There is space for it, too, now that he's finally spoken to Muramasa and has been welcomed back (home) to the forge. Being within the rejuvenating barrier's embrace is the most restful thing he knows — the single place where neither the eager fingers of nightmares nor that of night terrors can seem to catch firm hold of him — and he's missed it dearly.
It also helps that the heavy cloak of guilt and regret has had time to settle, the weight of it familiar now. At least most owed apologies have been made (save for one he hasn't been sure how to approach yet when any approach had been barred) and although it does nothing to assuage any of the guilt, the need to go grovel has lessened and that's something.
Enough that he can rest better, maybe.
One last quick shift at the medical bay that leaves him close to depleted of energy and hopelessly drowsy has him hurrying back to the forge, finally willing to take the extended break he's been urged to take and desperate for a nap on the engawa.
Of course fate has other plans.
It could be because of the exhaustion or the eager rush to reach the only real sanctuary he knows — quite possibly it's both — that Yuta does not realize whose presence is near until he's unexpectedly faced with the familiar shock of pink hair and both his steps and his heart stop abruptly. ]
Ah.
WHAT: Awkward run-ins at peepaw's
WHERE: Outside the Forge
WHEN: Sometime over a week after returning from the Underworld.
WARNINGS: None.
[ For once, Yuta listens when he's told to take a break. With the wounded tended to as much as reverse cursed technique will be useful for with the worst of the aftermath dealt with, there is time for it. There is space for it, too, now that he's finally spoken to Muramasa and has been welcomed back (home) to the forge. Being within the rejuvenating barrier's embrace is the most restful thing he knows — the single place where neither the eager fingers of nightmares nor that of night terrors can seem to catch firm hold of him — and he's missed it dearly.
It also helps that the heavy cloak of guilt and regret has had time to settle, the weight of it familiar now. At least most owed apologies have been made (save for one he hasn't been sure how to approach yet when any approach had been barred) and although it does nothing to assuage any of the guilt, the need to go grovel has lessened and that's something.
Enough that he can rest better, maybe.
One last quick shift at the medical bay that leaves him close to depleted of energy and hopelessly drowsy has him hurrying back to the forge, finally willing to take the extended break he's been urged to take and desperate for a nap on the engawa.
Of course fate has other plans.
It could be because of the exhaustion or the eager rush to reach the only real sanctuary he knows — quite possibly it's both — that Yuta does not realize whose presence is near until he's unexpectedly faced with the familiar shock of pink hair and both his steps and his heart stop abruptly. ]
Ah.
cw: suicidal ideation cont.
Yuji recognises it as the life of a sorcerer. They do something good, they're celebrated, and then something bad comes along and weighs it down, down and down until there's no desire to do anything except accept the suffering and the pain for what it is. It's how things had always been, since his very first mission. How many people die the first time they go and fight a curse? He has no idea about those things, because no one really taught him.
At the time, he really didn't care. He was happy enough knowing that the threat of Sukuna was quietened for now, even if he felt horrific that Megumi had to watch it. As time went on and more people died he continued to feel those quiet, dangerous thoughts; every time he lost someone else, he wished it had been him instead. So many people had been taken from them who would be better suited to surviving in this world than Yuji himself, so how was it right that he lived and they didn't?
It haunts him a little, even now, and the more control over himself he lost, the worse he felt.
Trying to overcome it now is harder, but he knows that Yuta understands and is doing his best to empathise. The two of them are so similar that it aches, and Yuji wishes he could take away some of his senpai's hurts and make it all better, but he just can't do that. He's not that powerful, and he's not able to save his friends from hurt. More than anything else, he wishes he could make them happier than they have been in the past.
Yuji would have been happy as a curse if it had made Yuta happy, corrupted. He thinks about it now and wonders if it would be the worst thing.
Breathing out, he leans closer and swallows. ]
I don't need your apologies. I know it was the corruption, and I know we both acted badly because of it. It's okay.
no subject
It almost wasn't. If I'd succeeded—
[ He cuts himself off, sucking in a pained breath as he shakes his head as though that might banish the very thought. If Yuji had truly let him... He just can't bear considering it; Yuta wouldn't have been able to live with himself in the aftermath. That he'd ever even want such a thing after he'd laid at Rika's feet, racked and sobbing with guilt and despair over what he'd done to her, is inconceivable — corrupted or not — and yet that had become his main goal and he cannot forget the urge to shackle his loved ones to his own cursed existence similarly. Now, sound of mind, he realizes it would have never worked with any of the others. Without a reciprocal desire to stay by his side, he can't imagine it would have worked out in the way he'd intended. Yuji though? If he'd honestly wanted it, then possibly it could have.
He doesn't know what to do with that knowledge either. It just sits heavy in his chest. It's a good thing that Yuji pulled away when he did, that they didn't have to find out whether it would have worked or not. In a bid to turn away from the anguish when he has nothing but apologies Yuji doesn't want, Yuta seizes that bit of relief and the fact that Yuji has been leaning in rather than shying away to embolden him to finally cave to the urge to reach out, brushing his hand against Yuji's in a silent invitation and tentative request all at once. ]
I'm just so glad I didn't and that you're back here with us.
cw the ideation continues
It’s an immediate, instinctive thought that Yuji has to swallow before it slips out. It’s not what Yuta wants to hear nor is it anything remotely like what he’d want to hear after coming face to face with what they’d both done. Neither of them are able to truly accept the horror of it all, not at the moment when it’s so fresh and real, and making it worse won’t do either of them any good. It might be the first voice in his head, but that doesn’t mean he needs to listen to it.
He smothers the thought instead, that constant pulse in his mind saying it’d be better if he’d died, or if he’d stayed dead. Yuji wouldn’t even blame Yuta if he had been his killer in the end - how could he? He was a monster, after all. There’s no undoing what he’s done.
Fingers brush against his own and spark him back into the moment, his eyes widening briefly before he breathes out. It’s too easy, then, to take Yuta’s hand and squeeze it - to let it go and reach out to wrap his arms around his senpai and hold him gently. Comforting other people is easier than being comforted himself, Yuji has found, even if he’s not very good at either of them.
Closing his eyes, he shoves the harmful thoughts aside to smother later. ]
I’m durable, remember? I’ll come back, like some kind of gross mould.
babe we gotta get you some therapy already
The surprise passes and what it leaves behind is treacherous stinging in his eyes. It's embarrassing how that keeps happening lately. Perhaps he can blame the fact that he's exhausted, so depleted of his cursed energy that his own limbs feel too heavy for him to carry, but that wouldn't be the (entire) truth. Still, he's the senpai here. Instead of being comforted, he's the one who should be doing the comforting. He knows that.
But it doesn't stop him from returning the embrace, to hold on tight and bury his face in Yuji's shoulder where it's at least hidden. Maybe it just can't be helped how these kindnesses keep serving to undo him. He'll find his way back to being the capable, reliable figure he's shaped himself to be eventually, but for the moment he cleaves to the comfort offered — Yuji warm in his arms, too thin, but alive.
They're still here, despite everything, for better or for worse.
The remark isn't even that funny and those are certainly not words he would ever use to describe his dear junior, but it earns a choked, watery little laugh all the same. ]
Then we're both the worst kind of mould.
[ The kind that just cannot be killed no matter what anyone tries. ]
they offered and he said no
Even now, Yuji knows that people back home might look at him differently than everyone else. He was the vessel of the King of Curses, he subdued Sukuna for months, and inherited his cursed techniques thanks to the impact on his body. His cursed energy, his Dismantle, his Cleave - all of that came from it being branded upon his soul through a trick of fate. Even his Blood Manipulation isn't his own, and he remembers his first real training session with Gojo-sensei where he found out that he would probably never develop his own.
He's a little bit like a shittier version of Yuta, in that way. Yuta can copy, sure, but at least he doesn't have to personally eat cursed objects in order to inherit those powers. His senpai is cool, and strong, and Yuji doesn't really consider himself a match to him. He wouldn't even be able to use RCT without Yuta's help, and all of that just came to the older student naturally. (Yuji forgets, of course, that he doesn't really know the entire story of Yuta's situation either).
Both of them were happy enough to be those monsters, at least. For the world to be better. ]
... Yeah. I guess that's okay, then.
[ Yuji squeezes him gently, holding Yuta close against his body and breathing out shakily. ]
There are worse things to be.
yuji pls (not that yuta would go but shh)
It's something. Maybe. ]
Mm. I like you just as you are.
[ And there is that, too. Yuta does not care what others might think, back home he is just as much of an outsider to jujutsu society as Yuji is and does not care for its politics (would have killed all the elders in his teacher's stead if Gojo had just let him take that burden), Yuji is just Yuji to him. Someone so kind who holds him so gently now. A friend. And Yuta's love for his friends is as unequivocal and all-encompassing as it is for Rika in all her forms — something declared without shame or hesitation before. It is the only way he knows how to love after all, cursed or not.
So, if Yuji doesn't need his apologies then maybe Yuta can give him his gratitude instead. First, the gentle squeeze is returned and then Yuta takes in a deep, shuddery breath before he lifts his head and leans back just enough so he can look at his junior without letting go. Doing so reveals the unspilled tears clinging to his lashes that turn his eyes shiny and wet, but Yuta doesn't care. ]
... Thank you, Yuji.
[ The shape of the name soft and tentative in his mouth, testing, gaze carefully gauging: is this okay? It had been a desperate bid in the Underworld, fueled in part by how Muramasa's sudden shift in how he addresses him had left an impact. Now it is an offer, a gentle tightening of red string. ]
dw he's going now
His path could have been different. ]
Yeah? Me too, senpai. I don't want you to change.
[ Leaning in to him is easy, comforting him is easy, and Yuji does it without thinking. His hand rubs careful shapes into Yuta's back, and he chooses not to let go, not yet, not just because he doesn't want to, but... They both need this. They've both earned a reprieve, a moment to let all the emotion sink into their bones and try to relax after suffering so, so much.
Who else would understand as intimately?
Tilting his head, he smiles fondly at Yuta as they lean back, still grasping hold of each other. ]
Any time. It's okay, really.
[ And then, hesitantly - ]
You can rely on me for real this time, Yuta.
thank u geto 🙏
He distantly thinks, unbidden, of his conversation with Geto; the enormity of a realization looming behind the horizon. The knowing that he could if only he let himself. It doesn't matter because he's not going to. That is not meant for him. His heart belongs to someone long gone. He has found his home with a ghost two parts divine. He is not meant for the living at all. He is a dead boy walking, cleaved in two.
But maybe it's okay to pretend to be a part of the living a little while longer, to let the heat of a too kind touch seep into his cold, tired skin to make the illusion he still belongs all the stronger. Yuji says it is with such fondness. Who is he to argue?
("It's okay that I'm alive", words he keeps needing to chase after to reaffirm their meaning again and again. Maybe they feel a little more believable coming from someone else's mouth, someone who understands.)
Amidst all the suffering, there is still joy to be found. Yuta finds it now in the hesitant syllables of his given name, allowing the burst of it to unfurl across his face in a bright smile wide enough to force the lingering saltwater to the edges of his eyes to form fat droplets that stubbornly refuse to spill. He does not let go. ]
Then I'm holding you to that. [ A playful lilt, ever so slightly teasing, refusing to let the joy be diminished by any embarrassment of needy words spoken all those many layers beneath the earth. ] And please rely on me too, it will make me happy if you do. It's the whole reason I became a sorcerer after all.
[ To be needed. ]
no subject
He knows that he tries hard to be good, and he wants to be helpful and kind to others, but he doesn't know if he can think about how kind he could be when he thinks he has done so many bad things, too. He is a good kind, and he is strong, and he keeps fighting for it, and he hopes one day he can believe it without hesitation, but it is a struggle. It's an internal battle he's going to keep fighting.
Being surrounded by friends and people who care about him helps, and his heart feels warm, and he comes to accept the good parts of himself as well as the bad. Not just a sorcerer, or a cog, or part of a machine, but a boy, too, who has been through a lot and is trying to figure out how to exist in a world where he was destined to die. It's hard, but he's strong enough to handle it, isn't he?
Leaning back, he smiles, expression warmer, softer, now that they've overcome this difficulty. ]
I'll do my best. I know I failed last time, but... I'll work on it in future.
[ Yuji wants - likes - to be needed, too. ]
no subject
It's okay. You're here now, that's all that matters to me.
[ Yuta means it, wholeheartedly. The disappointment and hurt utterly pale in comparison to the sheer relief of having Yuji back after weeks of not knowing his fate and fearing the worst. Yuta's all the more glad for the soft smile he receives despite everything that happened between them and despite the awful suffering he's perceived in Yuji. He knows to treasure the genuine warmth in its curves more than ever now.
They survived once again. Maybe they will end up coming out of this more fragile rather than stronger, but maybe that's all right, too. They have each other; they can learn to rely on that fact. Trying to live when you did not expect to is already such a difficult thing, but it's a little easier with company. ]
We'll both probably mess up again at some point, but we'll figure it out together, right?
[ They have so far, surely they can keep doing it. ]
no subject
Would they have chosen this route otherwise? He doesn't know. ]
It's the same for me, too.
[ He's glad Yuta is alive.
He's glad Yuta is breathing.
(Yuji thinks he's glad for himself, too, that the same is true. ]
It's inevitable. Let's try not to do it too often though, okay?
no subject
He is truly blessed despite everything.
They will continue to struggle, no doubt, but that is life and especially theirs as sorcerers. There is hope as long as they're alive to mend things. Yuta smiles, a little wryly, a little watery still, but warm and genuine as he nods. ]
Okay. I promise.
[ There is only a brief flicker of hesitation before Yuta is leaning back further, removing his left arm (deliberate, mindful choice) from around Yuji to hold it between them, pinkie finger extended. It's childish (and scary, so scary, when the last promise he made like this ended up being a curse) but it feels apt for one made with the future in mind; a promise to rely on each other, to safeguard one another's hearts as much as they can. ]