synflux | ( open/closed ) And if you're suffering I can help you, though I cannot help myself.

To begin at an ending... There's something poetic in that.

[Though it's not going to be a very pretty poem, clearly. Honestly, at this point she can't really fathom anything more from his expression or words than she's already sussed out, and that's just making her more agitated. She feels like they're on the edge of a cliff about to leap off into the darkness.

And at this point she really just wants to get it over with already.]

Did... something happen with the wish, Kiritsugu?

( Oh Iri, that's barely scratching the surface. What would one even begin with the Grail, the visions that still plagued him every night, the spirit that wore his wife's face, and the inevitable destruction it would cause? He'd been foolish. He's always been so foolish. )

The Grail was corrupt, Iri. I used my last command seals to force Saber to destroy the Grail.

( Or, rather, her sacrifice was for naught. Though he manages to keep himself upright and composed, it's difficult for him to keep the tears welling in the corners of his eyes at bay. )

It's likely I'll never see Illya again.

( Which is what he feared telling her, frankly. That their beloved daughter will be used as a vessel in the next war, no matter what he had to say about it. )

I... what?

[How does she respond to that? How does she even absorb that? Corrupt? What did that mean? What had happened to the Grail? What was so terrible that he had to destroy it?]

What are you talking about? You can't... you can't mean everything we did... all we sacrificed, all the death and fighting...

[Was for nothing? Worse than nothing? Would things have turned out better if they'd just fled the War? How could that be?]

( Moreso than how he's even feeling, seeing Irisviel revert into a state of panic causes his nurturing instincts to kick in. Steadying himself to reach out and pull Iri against his chest, carding his fingers in Iri's silvery hair. He couldn't allow himself to break down. Not now, not while his beloved was suffering. )

Angra Mainyu.

( He finds the words spilling from his lips like water; an immediate, reflective answer. But that hardly explains anything. No, he needed to be articulate. )

I saw a vision inside the grail. You were there, Illya too. ( Well, not her. It was Angra Mainyu, it always was. A destructive spirit wearing the face of his wife. ) It helped me realize my most heartfelt wish.

( Yes, he wanted the ideal utopian world without suffering or pain. But, was that what his heart yearned for all along? The answer was far more simple: his wife's unconditional love, his daughter's earnest smile. Those were the reasons he continued to fight for such a foolish dream. He wanted her. By god, did he want her. )

Edited 2024-05-17 04:48 (UTC)

[She shivers in his arms, her mind so wrapped up in the horrible revelations that she doesn't even realize she's shaking like a leaf from sheer stunned horror.

The name sends a chill down her spine. The zoroastrian embodiment of evil itself? She had no idea why that would be relevant, but the mere invocation of the name was enough, really.]

This vision... was how you discovered the grail was corrupt? [Why would it show him her and Illya, then? And... what did he mean by his most heartfelt wish?]

What happened? Kiritsugu... what did the grail show you?

( The vision was so horrifying he dared not speak it aloud, and yet, felt as though it had been playing in his mind on a loop. The image of their daughter being shot in cold blood, his hands wrapped around Iri's neck until it snapped in his hands. That was one thing he intended to keep to himself. Mortified as he was by the thought, knowing would harm her more than he could possibly imagine. )

The grail offered me a life with you and Illya, at the cost of the rest of the world.

( That much, should tell her all she needed to know. )

[She twitches at that, and finds that her hands have clenched into tight fists. Though she makes an attempt to relax them, she can't say it's working all that well.]

If either of us were willing to make that trade, we would not have been involved in the War in the first place.

[Though... at the very least, Illya shouldn't be losing both of them. And she hasn't forgotten what else he told her.]

So... when you denied it, the Grail made it impossible for you to see her again?

Edited 2024-05-17 22:46 (UTC)

( Well, no. That's not quite what he meant. She needed context, further elaboration. It's not as though he wouldn't fight tooth and nail to see Illya again, however, there were other factors at play, both ones Iri could probably assume, and ones he'd been holding close to the chest. )

I cannot imagine a world in which Acht would allow me. ( He confessed. She knew as well as he did that Acht would require a vessel in upcoming war. Illya would be their prime candidate. He lingers for a moment more, before adding: ) I've been cursed, Iri.

( Angra Mainyu. All the World's Evil. It's been stalled, in this world, but there's no telling how it will affect him going forward. His grip around Iri tightens, giving her a shoulder to cry on if she wished. )

[She's aware that Acht would fight as hard as he possibly could to keep Kiritsugu away and Illya under his thumb, but the true worry is him actually being able to prevent it. By all rights Kiritsugu should be able to make his way through whatever defenses the Einzbern patriarch erected. It was his forte, really.

But if he was being held back by something...]

Cursed? By... the Grail, you mean?

Yes, that's right. ( His confirmation is near immediate, busying himself by stroking her hair. He didn't want to think, didn't want to dwell on the implications. Who knows how much longer he'd have to live, let alone saving his daughter. ) Angra Mainyu. All the World's Evil. That is the curse I bear.

( He's doing his best not to choke on his words. Not to break down and cry in front of her. Yet, he couldn't help but feel as though his stability has hanging by a thread, and Iri was at the end of it. )

I woke up covered in Grail mud. ( He cannot imagine that'll be especially good for his health. In a slightly weaker voice, he adds: ) I'm sorry, my love. I failed you.

All the World's... [Irisviel attempts, for a brief moment, to try to wrap her mind around that concept. It goes about as well as one might expect, and she's forced to just stop and shake her head in utter disbelief.]

It can hardly be considered your failure... none of us knew, even guessed that the Grail was tainted in such a way. I can't even fathom how that could be... or how no one discovered it in the first three wars.

[That's not really what's important now, though, is it?]

So then... everything we were trying to do was doomed from the onset. And Acht won't... there's no way he could accept it, even if you tried to tell him.

[She knows the old man well enough to be certain of that.]

( Yeaaaah, Kiritsugu has his suspicions about that. )

Ask Justeaze.

( Wait, no. Actually he should elaborate. )

I suspect that someone would've attempted to summon Angra Mainyu during the prior war. Likely the Einzberns, as they'd be the most desperate.

( I mean, why do you think they hired him, Iri? As for Kiritsugu's part, he doesn't even seem exasperated, exactly. Just... tired, weary. As though the world were crumbling beneath his feet. )

[It's actually kind of impressive, in a horrible way. Everything he tells her in this conversation is only making things worse. At this point she's starting to feel a little numb.]

Summon... Angra Mainyu.

[How does she even address that?]

I know all Magi are a little mad by definition, but... that is utter madness.

( All Mages Are Bastards, Iri. Don't u get it? )

And yet, I wouldn't put it past them. ( He was trying to avoid saying this much, but. ) Angra Mainyu copied your personality, Iri. That means they were connected to the grail, itself.

( Please don't make him elaborate further than that. )

[All she can do is shudder. Her hands have crept up to her arms, wrapped around herself as she feels the chill of sheer horror at what all this means.]

So when they were summoned, then slain and returned to the Grail, they became a part of it. And even after the Third War's end, they lingered on... indelibly part of the Grail now.

[And so not only can they not use the Grail for their intended plan, but if anything they desperately need to prevent it from being summoned at all.]

It's as though our intentions were being mocked from the beginning.

( open/closed ) And if you're suffering I can help you, though I cannot help myself.

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cw: spousal abuse, special no thanks Gen Urobuchi.

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