WHO: Malkuth & Others
WHAT: Various threads for April (hmu for starters if needed!!!)
WHERE: Pretty much anywhere
WHEN: Anytime during April
WARNINGS: probable violence, drinking, cannibalism, sex, spoilers for Lobotomy Corporation & Library of Ruina will be marked as needed
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First off, it's not a happy tale. It isn't sweet or romantic, and it doesn't end with me getting the guy of my dreams. Okay? It's a terribly sad story about a terribly sad girl and her bad luck in admiring someone who never even bothered to learn her name. Are you prepared for that?
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[ Wow she sure said that without faltering. ]
gentle lobco spoilers since i said i'd remember to tag them this time
[ ... guess that's how it sounds to the outside. ]
We had more important things going on, and... he had someone else in his gaze. I never stood a chance against her, and I didn't fool myself for a second to think that I did. I just wanted to be seen.
[ that would have been enough for her. for elijah. malkuth leans back on those half-benches outside the fitting room and looks up at the ceiling, smile small and uncertain. was it wrong it call it her first maybe love? but what else can you call it? it went beyond the admiration she had for carmen, for those that worked around her... or maybe it was because he was the only one who hadn't looked at her for a second.
was it selfishness? was it something more? would she learn here, in her third life?
... would it happen again? ]
He was... one of the lead researchers in our group to save humanity, back in my first life. Not exactly my boss, but definitely not on the same clearance level as me either. [ now, the fondness comes out. now, the longing tints it. ] Ayin... was a remarkable man, who was always looking forward at something far, far away. So much so that Elijah didn't think it was that unusual he wouldn't remember the people around him that much -- she ended up the same way after all, neglecting everything but her work! Everyone sort of did after things went south, he just had that habit before then too -- I remember our first meeting, I almost forgot to introduce myself in my excitement to greet him, and I lost a report just before I did! I'm sure he didn't think much of me even then.
Still, he was reliable and strong, resilient in a way no one else was... he could handle just about anything without breaking down. His eyes were always ahead, looking past everything... except her. [ ... ] Except Carmen, his counterpart. She was warm and bright, smart and kind, she always had a nice word for everyone who put an effort in -- I liked her a lot too, everyone did! I think everyone still does.
[ well.
except tiphereth, maybe. but that's a different can of worms. not hers to tell. ]
Anyway, Elijah really admired him! It was hard not to, especially since it was thanks to him and Carmen that she was able to see so many colors. Ayin was a pillar of strength after Carmen's passing, and no one worked harder than him to see her will to completion. It was inspiring, and it was sad. I wanted to do everything I could to help out. And maybe... part of me was trying to fill the shoes that Carmen had left behind too, even if they would never fit.
[ ... mm. malkuth looks down at her hands, playing with the loose fabric of her dress. there's such a pain in her chest whenever she thinks about it, the way his golden eyes would look through elijah, in comparison to the way carmen made her feel so seen it was as if she knew her from a different life already. what had he been thinking in those moments of elijah's death? what would malkuth say to him now, if given the chance? what would she ask, with time and space allowing her some breathing room to reflect on those memories and feeling doubt tighten her throat?
she clears it, sighing after. ]
In the end, Elijah tested something on herself she shouldn't have and died a painful death. The person who saw it happen, who she wanted to reach out to and be seen by, turned away. When he looked back, when he finally saw her, it was too late. That sort of... bad ending, that I sort of mentioned before.
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And honestly, she needs that time to process it. Again. Every time she starts to think she's understood a chunk of Malkuth's (or Elijah's) life, she realizes it's really only just that. A chunk. There's so much more.
A remarkable, resilient man who stared so far at the future that he never anyone else, except this Carmen person. And Elijah, who respected and admired him. Elijah, who died a painful death, and was still neglected.
Her hand reaches over to clasp Malkuth's, firmly. Her voice is softer, but just as firm. ]
My opinion still stands.
[ So there. ]
It just means... you'll know it for sure here. That if someone doesn't see you here, they don't deserve you.
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... Like I said, there was... more important things going on, so... I don't blame him or anything like that.
[ she doesn't. right? she doesn't. elijah was the same way: focused on one person, perhaps ignoring another who had been right beside her. but malkuth can't imagine anyone would have been interested in her back then, candle of a person that she was--
no, that's doing a disservice to elijah, to herself, and she knows march would berate her for even thinking so. still, still, the thought lingers, and she turns her hand to clasp her friend's. ]
I'll just become someone they can't ignore, if nothing else. How's that?
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[ She says that instantly, tapping a light cadence against Malkuth's fingers with her own. It's a start, but at the same time, it isn't good enough. Because-- ]
You're already that someone. I'd put money on it.
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[ but it's said with a laugh, leaning against her. ]
Thanks for thinking so. It'll be nice if it's true, but I don't really feel like I'm someone they can't pass over just yet. I'm in the middle of building myself still.
[ who she is, who she wants to be. a building so colorful it can't be ignored, won't be forgotten. a wish for herself too. ]
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[ Huffily. Of course. ]
Though I know it matters the most that it's how you feel about it, so if you need to keep going until you believe it, that's fine.
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I just don't really have any proof of concept.
[ but maybe it's something that only an outside party could see. ]
Any updates in your lovelife? Memories or otherwise.
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[ She says this almost apologetically. ]
And it's not like anyone's touching my fa...
...
[ Oh. Actually, her expression clouds over slightly. ]
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oh, she's locked in now. ]
Marmar...~
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It really isn't what you're thinking.
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What happened?
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I tried to stop Izou from really taking it out on one of the captives and it... led into him saying I've been treating him like a charity case. And he told me to get out of his sight.
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[ what a bastard. ]
He's a real idiot, March. Don't let it get to you. But what does face touching have to do with that? I mean, I would've pinched his cheeks off if he said that with me around, but...
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[ Say what now. ]
I-- [ Honestly, this is the part that still bewilders her. ]
Right before he told me to go, I was yelling at him that he was my friend and he just went all quiet and touched my cheek. To wipe the blood off, I think.
[ Homegirl was a mess. ]
And I... I don't know, I was dizzy and my head was killing me and I didn't know how to process it, so I touched his cheek too. Like that made us even or something.
But then he told me that...
[ Her sigh is a little shaky. ]
So I don't really know what he's thinking, at all.
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sound familiar
in a way.
... ]
Are all Brimstone guys like that?
[ don't mind her. ]
He and I... don't have a great relationship either, so I don't know what went through his mind exactly... but you could say I understand him a little. Because of who I am, or was anyway. [ mm. ] It's hard to think of having friends, or someone wanting to be your friend, when orders are orders.
[ if she catches the drift. ]
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[ Maybe that's how they're divided. But... ]
I can't say I truly understand what you guys went through, when I can't remember that far back, but basically it's like getting so entrenched in your role at the time that it's hard to think outside of it?
[ She heaves a sigh. ]
If I've really been forcing this on him, I don't want that. But it doesn't feel like I have the clear picture right now, either. And I... already miss talking to him.
[ Which is a little embarrassing. ]
So I think after this, I'll try and find a way to get him to talk to me so I can at least get an answer out of him.
1/2
[ anyway!!! ]
Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it. We weren't encouraged with forming relationships with the employees under us for that reason, to the point that I learned only the numbers they were assigned for identification.
[ huge steps since then, making sure to get everyone's names the minutes she meets them. ]
... But I think that's a good idea. It's been a bit since then, so he's had time to cool off too. [ ... ] And I bet he doesn't feel so hot about snapping at you either.
[ izou isn't a bad guy, really. ]
2/2
[ they do need to fight still. ]
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I can beat him up for my own sake, you know?
[ Can she. ]
... But thanks. I've gotta say, friendships sure have gotten harder since coming here.
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Yeah... I think I got lucky meeting you and Kaito off the bat.
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[ Sure. ]
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We could have a tea party! Kaito and I were talking about it, and there's no way I'm finishing off a tower of sweets by myself.
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Ooh! That's a great idea! Dresses are perfect tea party dress-code!
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