synflux | [closed] we shape our buildings; thereafter, they shape us

( he lowers a hand clenched around a glass, and the surprise fades into a solemn stare. )

You're... I snap at you, tell you I cut my own friends down, and now you're presentin' me with a gift. What makes you think I deserve any of that? Is it 'cause I... told you all that stuff 'bout how I grew up? To the point you're willin' to risk a night out alone with me again?

( as if he's going to do anything, but. that one, honey-gold eye flits down and back. )

O-Or is this 'cause you... you like me, or somethin'?

( YOUR TOP FIVE? )

[ ... there is something about you brimstone men-- ]

Does it matter what you deserve if you want something? In general, not just... companionship or anything. I don't really deserve to live a life as freely as I do right now myself, but I want to, so I'm still gonna.

[ even if it nets her criticism. even if it only spills bad blood. it sucks, but she gets her boss now: she wants to live, even if others might not think she deserves to live how she'd like. ]

Secondly, yes. Do you think I shouldn't too?

[ you BRIMSTONE MEN......... ]

( i know... i know. if you're out there vergilius... don't look at me. )

"Too"?

( and he listens, fitting his chin on a palm in a way that's a little sheepish. frustrated. )

You got a smarter head on your shoulders than I do. You, and March, just decidin' you want out of people and doing it. ... Anyway, feel how you want.

Vergilius is the same way. It's an uphill battle with your sort, but I do understand.

[ feel how she wants... she will. it's not like anyone can stop her, and she can't stop herself; she couldn't in any life she lived. ]

March and I are like that for different reasons, but they're sort of similar too, I guess... Neither of us are really good at letting things go. Or people. Hers is because of her memory, I think, but mine is just because...

... because I'm still trying to fill an emptiness inside of me, probably.

[ well. she can confess it to one person, maybe. drinking. ]

Vergilius?

( he makes a face, like dabbing citrus under a dog's nose. like he'd forget the name of a guy who put him in his place. )

I'm nothin' like that asshole.

( but also, wow. what is it with cute girls and dropping the weight of their burdens on him like this out of nowhere.

it works, though, because of course it does. )

... Look. I don't get what part 'a you you think is so empty. Not when you've been full of life since the moment we were handin' out chocolates together, just tryin' to get a straight answer out of me. Tryin' to keep me included, no matter how hard I pushed the door shut on ya.

( he lifts up the wooden crow, turning it over in a rough hand. )

And this, ... bird. Is a product of your hard work, yeah? So. I'll take it.

[ ... wow. what a reaction. no, he definitely is like vergilius, this is a charm point too. a hefty charm point that makes her grin a little softer. ]

It is. Crows kind of remind me of you, and not just because their flocks are called murders.

[ haha, ]

I've read that they're really smart and clever, and they never forget who's kind to them and who isn't! They pay back both ways -- revenge and gifts, see. I don't know if you're like that, but it was the first animal I thought of.

... And thanks. For saying all that. You're a really sweet guy.

( ... okay. embarrassing.

who the hell's she calling sweet... and his grip tightens a little on the wooden ornament, her forwardness, once again, taking him aback. )

... So. What sorta "top five" are we talkin' about here? Top Five Most Handsome? Top Five Most Skilled With The Sword?

( like the confession of a supposed tier list was going to leave his mind anytime soon. )

Looks... but also charm. It was mostly the latter for me, since it's still the first thing that comes to mind even now. People's merits, the impressions they leave, how much I'd like to see them again... stuff like that goes into it. For me.

[ mmm. gyoza. she chews it thoughtfully, turning her head to watch the rest of the customers. ]

I kinda wish I did top ten... I missed some people.

( huh. it must be some funny coincidence, how dry his mouth suddenly is.

he was just throwing that out there, you know... the handsome thing, based on a previous comment of hers, and some weird sense of pride swells in his chest in awkward harmony with his alarm. )

Y-Yeah, well. I can see there not being as many as ch... — charming as me on base. Obviously.

( then, freeze-frame. they discussed that in the bath? him? maybe others, but mostly him, in his eyes? simple simple izou and his helpless curiosity and hapless imagination. )

If that was for you, then who're the ones singlin' me out by my looks?

[ and he says he isn't cute. look at that. his attitude is so cute. it makes her want to compliment him more. ]

Let's see... There was Ishmael, Rodya, me, and... March who spoke up.

[ though she sort of forced march to make a choice, ]

( cute in how he's mentally jumping over their table and out a window over these answers,

ishmael... that's not why she saw him fit to go in her room, right? no. it was just a casual chat between comrades, and that's how things would stay between them, surely. the others come to mind when mentioned, and something tugs uncomfortable in his chest. the anxiety of being PERCEIVED, I GUESS. )

All that... sounds like it shoulda stayed hush. Why're you so quick to tell me what I wanna know?

( his drink, starting to go untouched. a rarity. )

Oh, I have my reasons!

[ a sip. she rests forward on the table. malkuth is not truly a sneaky person. she is notably guileless. what you see, generally, is what you get; she will be upfront when asked.

like, unfortunately. hushed hushed voice. ]

You guys talked about stuff like that too, right? I wanna who's into who. Consider this an information exhange between the two of us.

[ with a wink to boot.... she is Shady today, izou!!!! ]

Come to think, we did.

( the man goss... though most of what he recalls is faces through narrowed eyes, the spilling of cups against tile and of his own mouth locked tight around a certain older gentleman's. not that he's going to tell malkuth any of that. he'd rather die. again.

the following day had been stars bursting behind his eyelids and a pulse thrumming heavy in his ear, but he... —wait. he does remember a couple of things, and he's careful.

as careful as a guy can be while trying not to fumble his words, or mention a certain thing or two he might've said, gaze occasionally flitting away from their table to stare out the window. )

There was a lotta heavy drinking ( JUST BY HIM? ), and... don't think I can remember who said what, but what was said was mostly about Ish. Ishmael. You, too. A good handful 'a times.

[ ...

well, that is what she wanted to know specifically, but was too shy to ask; it's her turn to fumble, gaze dropping to her drink and seeing her warming cheeks in what's left of it, uncertain and pleased all the same. her? ishmael, sure-- she can understand that, even if they don't really get along that well... but her?

malkuth's quiet, unresponsive in reply, playing with the strings of her hoodie before she rests her burning cheek in her hand and watches the people again. is he just playing with her? there's simply no way. for all that march calls her pretty, for all kaito might call her cute...

... a good handful? ]

She is pretty gorgeous, [ malkuth finally says, reluctant as she is to speak in general. ] As far as girls go, she's someone I think is pretty attractive, too.

[ objectively. her freckles are adorable, and her hair is so nice. the sound of her voice isn't unpleasant, and the smile she has for anyone but malkuth makes her wish they could be friendlier. but malkuth is impatient, and it feels... it's nothing to get into now, her own mind wrapping around itself. ]

( the relief in malkuth not pressing him to be more specific...

but it's also not like her to clam up, as far as izou has gotten to know her with all his griping and complaining in response, and as he leans back with arms folded in his seat he regards her with a furrowed brow. )

That not what you wanted to hear?

No, that's not it... I just don't really believe you, actually.

[ which is mean to say, she knows, her apologetic smile says as much. malkuth swirls what's left in her glass and sets it aside, resting her cheek in one hand as the other waves. ]

I mean, not that I think you're lying or anything! It'd be a pretty stupid thing to lie about. But I don't need to know a thing about looks to know that as far as the girls here go, I'm not a name that'd come up. You know?

( it's a good thing she clarifies her stance on "doesn't believe", because that's exactly the sort of thing to get him all riled up. )

Not like I get why people gave their answers either, but... way I see it, everyone's got their own tastes. You might as well have faith in the fact that they see ya in a way you don't. It's a hell of a compliment.

( and that's the way of it, isn't it? that others forced their own perception on you no matter how hard you tried to deny them, izou included.

that simple fact rotates in his mind briefly, his expression a resigned one as he rubs excess moistures from the side of his glass. )

Didn't take you for someone who wasn't confident, given the way you showed off to me before.

What, you mean back at the amusement park?

[ it was showing off, huh... well. his words do impress themselves onto her mind though -- hell of a compliment indeed, faith she'll keep close to her chest. ]

I'm more confident in my abilities than my looks, since I have proof of them. The City Ishmael and I are from focus more on merits than appearance. If it was just on that, or on me as a person, then I could... believe you more, since I know what I am and who I am. But the rest is just...

[ another brief wave of her hand. ]

You know. More difficult. I appreciate it though, it's just hard for me to wrap my mind around.

( he's stumbling on what to say to that, given comfort isn't his specialty in any shape or form.

but... something about malkuth's dismissive explanation clicks, and then he's staring past the rim of his glass, something palpably distant about him despite their closeness. )

More on merit, huh. Doesn't sound half bad to me. All you gotta do is be strong. Wouldn't matter how smart or how handsome you are...

( they'd look at you, and not in that way where surely, you were something discarded and worthless. something trivial.

he slams back the rest of his drink, licking his lips free of any excess. )

... But don't be fooled into thinking that makes someone irreplaceable, Izou. A life is a life. Just as they're born, they can be taken -- you know that. The same goes for the City.

[ so she says, turning her quite aware gaze to him instead. more on merit is fine. she judges people by that too, more than anything else -- but she doesn't go too far anymore. ]

The moment you can't show the results they want is the moment your life ends. Figuratively, and most of the time literally. It wouldn't be half bad if results weren't the only thing they cared about.

[ the way she'd been no different, as the sephirah of the control team. she recalls the ID numbers of the employees she'd cut down far easier than their names even now, unnecessary in the line of work. ]

... I wouldn't, given I've been through it.

( it feels natural to follow-up with this, to just tell her, but he can't quite put a finger on why. isn't clever enough to figure out the why, probably, he thinks.

it's best to just do what feels right, even if he feels a tightness in his jaw like it might twist into a scowl depending on her reply. )

Been a long time, but... you could prob'ly still find where they buried me if the country weren't so torn up. But that still ain't right. Results don't mean nothing when people turn on you at the slightest sign of trouble on their end, or even if they don't like ya. When you can't understand why you went from fightin' alongside someone one day to them laughin' at you the next...

( he turns a gyoza idly with his chopsticks, clearly disinterested at this point. )

That's why that merit stuff appeals to me, whether it means losin' your life or not in the end. At least folks will look at ya and recognize your worth.

Edited 2024-04-26 02:12 (UTC)

[ where they buried him, huh...? so he's a part of history here, dead as anyone and yet here alive regardless. LILITH's no different than the City after all, in an odd way, and it's one that makes her give off a short laugh -- before she shakes her head, she knows that can be taken wrong. ]

Sorry, I was just thinking-- that there's more in common between LILITH and the City than I thought. If they could get away with it, they'd be reviving people for their own uses too... at least one Wing got away with it, which I only know because I was one of the people that was.

[ it's a somber thing though, something that is easier for some to talk about than others... it's a fact either way, and malkuth finishes off her drink as she leans back in her seat, hands in her lap as she looks up at the ceiling. ]

... We really aren't so different, [ but it has a far different tone than their first dinner together, where she'd said it lightly about their kill counts and professions that had asked it of them, one that's quieter at its core, ] though it was only after I died that I was of use to anyone. I was a nuisance at best before, and not worth looking back at at worst -- I wasn't hated or loved, there was just... nothing there. I couldn't produce results, and as a person I was nothing but a defect. I was just allowed to stay because I was passionate and in too deep by the end.

[ the memories aren't her own, but they are about her. facts you could find in data entries back at a certain corporation, no different than a history entry containing the name of a certain swordsman sitting in front of her. ]

So I don't have the greatest opinion on it, but I get why someone else would. It feels nice to be seen, doesn't it?

( it makes sense that there are others who died here, for death was as common as betrayal, but to hear malkuth relate to his circumstances without ridicule... with laughter that has understanding flit across his features rather than have him flinching away—

izou's eyes drop, his face warming.

it does feel nice to be seen, and the boisterous braggart of a killer who might've sneered at her a month ago stiffens in posture as malkuth takes a hammer to the wall of his heart with her nourishing words. he didn't expect this. didn't expect to be drawn so deeply into their conversation, to open up about himself. again, mind you. what was it... what was it about this woman that had him relaxing into her company like this? was it because she actually listened? that she didn't pretend to care? )

I can't pretend to get how this "city" of yers functions entirely, but... the way things work where I'm from, folks who've made a mark on the world are brought back to do good for humanity's sake. Much like things are here. So, maybe you could consider LILITH as seein' you as worthy... that you did some great things in life, and...

( man. this is so sappy. )

... Augh. Look. I'm not good at this sorta stuff.

[ it makes her laugh again, a little brighter this time. ]

You're really not, but... I appreciate it. [ sincerely, she does. she always meant it when she called him sweet. ] Looks like you're double wanted then, huh?

[ summoned twice... whatever the feelings between march and him, just good friends or more, malkuth doesn't think she'll have to worry too much. not that she did before -- but certainly not as she gets to know him better. ]

I'm probably just more useful than notable though, really. You know. The thing I showed off and all. But I like the way you put it better, so I think I'll start believing that too. I have to have faith in what other people see that I don't, right?

[closed] we shape our buildings; thereafter, they shape us

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