WHO: kaito and pals WHAT: post-surgery and mid-month event shenanigans WHERE: around town WHEN: from april 12 to the end of the month WARNINGS: potential discussion of body horror; will update as things Go On
[ ... it can't be as painful as what she's gone through before anyway, but... mm. malkuth watches the water work, fascinated and comforted in turn, and her gaze lifts to his as they begin to pull away.
yeah. his eyes really are some of her favorite. it takes a moment longer for her to reply, caught by the shifting golds and blues. ]
You've got no faith in me. I'd find out my limit and then keep just under it.
[ just like with her Pages. ]
The pain wouldn't be any worse than what I've already experienced, but I suppose I'll let you and Marmar handle the heavy lifting there. I'd rather get a cool weapon for when I'm lacking in my versatility.
[ The last word comes out much softer than the rest. It's a pot and kettle moment—he knows he's worse when it comes to limits.
Kaito spends a few more moments fussing over her hands before shifting closer to her. ]
Marmar, Mally... What do I get, then?
[ No waiting for an answer—Kaito lifts the brunette's hands to his lips and plants feather-light kisses on every scrape and cut. Warmth blooms in his palms and face, seeping out in waves of pulsing green light that near-instantaneously stitch and seal each wound.
It's nothing like the gentle tingle of his natural healing magic; rather, this heat is firm and forceful, but still gentle. Careful, despite the sheer speed with which it reverses all that damage.
Within seconds, her hands are completely healed. Kaito's lips linger on her knuckles, golds staring up to gauge her reaction.
His gaze is clouded with an odd mix of fear, worry, and determination. Set on doing his task, yet ready to retreat at the slightest sign of discomfort. ]
he doesn't wait the answer caught in her throat as he butterflies healing kisses against the small cuts, the nicks and scrapes she's accumulated. it's a stark difference to the sort she's used to from him and her neck warms.
her cheeks follow, lips pressed tight and fingertips the same as they grasp kaito's hand. there's not a discomfort to her gaze, just surprise and embarrassment. ]
Th... that so wasn't necessary, [ she finally mumbles out, but her hands remain in his, lingering like her gaze. ] Kaito.
[ it's hard to make his name into one, she'd wanted to complain. marmar is a stretch. it isn't her preferred ending. but she can turn it into marmalade, which is sweet and tangy just like her best friend. kaito... what could he be? toto, like the dog? that'd be cute; it'd fit his looks, but he wouldn't appreciate it. ]
[ Somewhere along the way, Kaito releases the hold on his empathy. Old habits die hard, and he's
honestly, he's tired. Tired of the tired old song and dance of distancing himself from the people he wants to be closest to, tired of running, tired of the self-sabotage. Sooyoung's words resonate as he kisses each and every little nick and cut he can see on Malkuth's fingers.
'Be greedy for yourself. Ruin the world if you have to.'
While he doesn't have to go that far... What's important is that he's willing to.
When she finally speaks up to scold him, a hint of that trademark sunshine glows in his growing smile. He keeps her hands close to his lips; his breath tickles fair skin. ]
That was a trick question. I hate nicknames.
[ He leans in closer, never breaking eye contact. Even as their lips settle on a crash course, he doesn't stray—it's only at the last second that Kaito veers off, letting their cheeks graze against each other as he whispers into her ear. ]
Truth be told, I like it best when my name rolls off your lips, Malkuth.
[ is it bad that the only thing she can think is that the next sleepover she has with march is about to be really interesting. it is, isn't it.
her breath stills as he comes closer, heart fluttering and world becoming nothing but
the sight of her stuffed animal-covered bed across the room, his cheek brushing against her heated one. malkuth's exhale comes out in a sigh, disappointed and relieved at the same time. she closes her eyes, resting her forehead on her arms as she pulls her hands away to better pillow herself, and shakes her head.
give her a moment. there's still a bundle of embarrassment, make no mistake, but there's at least no panic, no confusion. it hadn't come as a surprise to march. malkuth's aware herself she's into him. but it wasn't fair, was it, that not a week ago...
... wow she really wants to die actually, ]
It's rude to tease people like that, Toto. What if you give someone the wrong idea?
[ Kaito's gaze flits to the floor following the miss(?), but his smile remains. Warm, stupid, but maybe a little... sardonic?
Either way, he doesn't move. The nickname is kinda cute, actually. He quite likes the story attached to that particular dog. But it's not quite the character he's thinking of right now. ]
I'm not teasing, [ he whispers. His hands curl up in his lap. ]
I'm just a coward who thinks he doesn't have the right to make this memory.
[ Kaito finally lifts his head, and he's smiling like it's two weeks ago and he never opened his mouth or took her to dance. But his eyes don't match, and he hopes she knows this is as honest as he can muster right now. ]
[ malkuth turns her head more, resting on her arms proper, heart tumbling again. he hadn't been teasing for a while now, she remembers faintly. even if she'd liked to believe that had been the case while she sorted herself out, sorted their friendship out, wonder if there was room for something more while not losing what they had already.
he's just like her coworkers back home. there's a level of sincerity of her feelings, one that she's careful not to tread onto the other side of just in case, and
that's been hard here too, for different reasons, romantic or not. malkuth shuffles one hand out to rest it on his cheek, squeezing lightly. ]
It doesn't matter if you have a right to it or not, Kaito. [ it doesn't matter if he feels he deserves to. ] If you want to, you should.
[ that
is exactly the sort of reasoning that had tumbled her into a different circumstance of trouble, but it's still something she believes in wholeheartedly. why deny yourself happiness? why think you're not good enough? why consider who you are, what you've done, and measure it against the possibilities laid out in the future?
their ideal had been that everyone, everyone would be able to live more freely. not just those born in Nests, not just the supposed "good", but everyone. because humanity inherently deserves that much, whether they or others think they don't.
hypocrite that she is, who denies herself the simple pleasure of her friends. who feels that emptiness at the thought, who's clawed out every bit of thought that said she's in the wrong and shoveled interactions and relationships with others into that cavity instead. kaito and vergilius make her feel less lonely, march makes her feel at home in a new world, maybe she's the greedy one. ]
Just make sure the other person wants to make one, too.
[ a peck on the nose, that's all he's getting as she turns her face away. ]
But I'm still mad at you, so don't expect it from me. Where's my say in things, huh? Why don't you try asking?
[ Kaito huffs a sigh. Even the faintest touch, a kiss to his nose, is enough to yank him to a full stop and twist his stomach into knots. But it doesn't really matter. Or, it does, but...
He's going to argue with himself all night. Sorry, Sooyoung. His plan was flawed from the start. Rather than answer her questions right away, Kaito falls back onto the bed and kicks his legs out. The sound of bubbling water begins to resonate in the room.
His voice comes out in a dull but pained murmur. ]
...Because I didn't want to know.
I didn't want to know the truth and make it that much worse when I ran.
That's why I wanted to keep my feelings to myself. At least then, we'd both stay ignorant.
[ malkuth doesn't stop him, turns her gaze briefly to him on the bed before she turns around to her desk and stares at the photograph. one hand finds the frame and she gently rubs the glass, thumb pressed over her own face.
better in ignorance, was it. ]
You're stupid.
[ to him, to elijah. ]
What would cause you to run? Me feeling the same, or feeling differently? And... would you stay away forever, or just a little while? [ ... ] No matter the reason why, as long as you came back, I could wait for you.
[ because he's important to her, as she's important to him. he makes her feel alright. even now, with the space between them, her back to him and watching him in the faint reflection of the framed photo she'd hidden from vergilius when he'd dropped by to apologize... malkuth feels more at peace than she did the first, unremembered in full, and the second, which he's forgotten save the one line she'd written for his benefit.
time does help, after all. she could wait. she was used to that. ]
[ The bubbling becomes louder. Golds reclaim their azure shine. He's ready to leave, but the questions weigh him down.
He shouldn't listen. He should go. He shouldn't have tried to deviate from his self-ordained fate. But these past two weeks have filled his mind with doubts. Hopes. Desires. Dreams.
Things he's resigned himself to surrendering before they settle in his heart. Because he's stupid. Stupid and terrified.
Yet here she is, distracting him again. Making him think.
Gritting his teeth, Kaito throws himself upright, onto his feet. He marches in front of her—in front of Elijah and all the others. ]
...
[ His mind is a storm of emotions and desires clashing with each other; every voice is a ripple that echoes and fills his hearing with white noise.
Clear, crystal blues state straight into auburn pools. Searching. Maybe a little desperate, if the strain in his voice isn't indicative enough. ]
...What is it you want, then?
If I know, if I understand... Can I be less of a coward than I am?
You might be, or you might turn tail and run anyway.
[ is how she replies, staring at the photo again before lifting her head to find his golden gaze. there's the feeling that it's fine if he did -- as long as he came back, eventually. as long as she could wait and see him another day.
what... does she want? it had been easy with physicality, but it's harder in every other instance. her hand sets the framed picture down and she folds both of hers in her lap as she turns to him in her chair. what does she want... the things he can't give her, the things he won't, the things that fear seizes and holds tight in its grasp. it's delicate. she doesn't want to lose what they have in a gamble for more.
he didn't answer her questions. how is she suppose to know what to say? ]
You are... one of my very best friends, and someone I don't feel lonely around. My worries dissolve when I see your name pop up, and at the same time I'm worried about other things, too. Because I do like you a lot, [ hands squeezing together, ] I love that we click and it feels like sometimes, you know me better than I know myself. And then there's other times where I know you don't at all.
[ or are too scared to know her, hiding his heart or restricting it. her face warms and she forces herself to remain locked with his gaze, even as she wants to run herself. pot, kettle. ]
So let me clear. I'm into you, and I wouldn't back down if someone else was into you, too. I don't know if I want something serious. I'm still trying to figure things out, but I don't want to be ignorant of your feelings for me, of my feelings for you. You're one of the most important people in my life right now.
[ which means she wants to show her love and bury it in the same measure. the latter is a kneejerk reaction, because malkuth knows it's a regret elijah must have had in her final moments, never once telling that man how she'd felt and trying so, so hard to show it in other ways instead. what's wrong with committing to telling people how you feel? nothing, even if nothing even if something comes of it.
isn't it just nice to know you're wanted? ]
I want you to know all of that. And not to forget it.
If I tell you which is which now, you might suddenly lower yourself to my standards and keep your feelings close to your chest.
[ No, she won't. Of course she won't. He's just.
Teasing? Or goading?
Either way, he listens to what follows. Drops to a knee, to even the difference in their height. Leans forward, to prop his arm against the back of her hair so he can rest his head on it. Close, but not too close. Not close enough, either.
Here and there, her words tug at his heartstrings, trigger fragments of memories that had been lost for days. But nothing concrete. Nothing solid. Even now, all he remembers of that painful night is the single line she left for him in the notepad.
[ Kaito tries to read into her emotions while processing her words. To understand how she feels on as many levels as he can, in a way only he can. This evening has become so uncannily nostalgic, like he's being brought back to a past life. He might even wager that it is a past life, on the school's rooftop, smoking with Ritsuko.
How easy would it be, to snip the thread right here and now? To simply say that he also doesn't want to commit to anything, that he'll be fine with whatever she chooses to do down the line? That's respectful enough, isn't it?
But it'd be a lie. Is this not the culmination of his hazy, half-remembered encounters with everyone? Of his most recent conversation with Sooyoung? Did he not resolve for something different, this time? Can't he, at the very least— ]
I'm sorry I never gave you the chance to speak up.
[ —Apologize? ]
Not now, not the night before, not even during our dance. I forced you to carry everything without taking any responsibility for my words. Even now, I was going to do it again.
[ Kaito shakes his head. Laughs; bitter, but somewhat relieved. ] How much time did I waste as a result? Time that could have been spent laughing and enjoying ourselves? Stupid.
Listen, Malkuth. ...I don't want to run. I'm just scared. Scared I'll hurt you, scared I won't be able to give you what you want, scared of the next smooth talker who knows how to ask for what he wants coming up to you and snatching you away. Hell, if we were back on Earth, I'd be scared of a goddess swooping in to take you away just because you'd be in the way.
...I'm rambling. [ Another shake of the head. More vigorous. He tries to settle his blue-gold (indecisive, just as afraid as he is to commit one way or another) pools on hers, but he's a little dizzy. It prompts a small, sheepish smile. ]
I'll say it. Fairly, this time. On even footing—where I'm not going to forget because I was ill, and where you won't be able to forget because you're drunk. [ Kaito straightens up. Holds trembling, scar-riddled hands out for her to take or ignore. ]
You are, without exception, the most important person in the world to me. 'Liking you' isn't a strong enough descriptor to match my feelings towards you, Malkuth. Everything about our friendship makes me feel weightless. When you're around me, life feels like it's regained a piece that's been missing for years. Your smile is sunlight, and I'm a stupid sunflower who's always going to be chasing that warmth.
I'm terrified of what lies between those lines... But I want to know, too. I want to know everything about you. All of you. And if that means I have to... If I have to give you the same in turn, then...
I want to try.
I don't know what that means for our friendship. What it will mean. But fuck it, who cares? If it's not going to kill me for good, why don't I just try? Maybe... we can try, one step at a time, to understand each other fully. And then... go from there.
[ Kaito pauses there. Wheezes out a sigh. His pulse has skyrocketed. His head's feeling light. But he doesn't dare break away from her gaze. He can't. If he does now, he may never reclaim his nerves.
He's just, y'know. Trying to muster the words again.
[ of course she takes his hands. it's without reservation, without hesitation, that they grasp his, squeezing firmly. there's no need to be scared, no need to tremble. even if she's the reason for it.
they're such lovely words. meant for her, and her alone; it's baffling in a way, that she of all people could have an effect on another. not even such an effect -- just one in general. there's no safety net of alcohol, of illness or fatigue. there's no excuse to be found. there's simple, honest truth.
and it feels nice. it feels unbelievable. so much of her wants to battle it, heart trembling the way his hands had before, and malkuth buries her face into his hands with a deep, shaky sigh. why is it always so hard to look people in the eyes when they're honest with her like this?
(... her?) ]
Mm. [ just a small sound. a soft tremble to her voice. ] Thank you. For being honest with me, and for being fair.
[ she knows it's hard. he's made as such clear. malkuth wonders if elijah had had the time, if she could've spoken up too. maybe, maybe not; that future had been stolen from her, and with it her chance too. if she'd ever had the thought. ]
And... you're forgiven, too.
[ of course he is. she'd forgiven vergilius for the same. as if there was ever a doubt she wouldn't, even if it would've taken longer. malkuth isn't a patient person. but she knows what can't be rushed, and what can be. relationships are something that can't be -- she's learned this the hard way, with ishmael herself. ]
There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere, at least not willingly. Okay? I promise. I'll take my time reading your story, and I expect you to take your time, too. Though I don't have anything to hide if you ask about it.
[ Waiting for her response almost makes Kaito sick. He's put the truth out there; it's vulnerable. He's vulnerable. Seconds pass like an eternity. Malkuth takes his hands, even buries her face in them. And he cradles her, careful and gentle, but his heart threatens to slam its way out of his chest with how fiercely it thunders.
When she finally responds, he feels the tension ebb out of his chest, out of his everything. He wants to fall forward and cry. Scream. Laugh. Relief and happiness wind their way into his heart. For the first time, he's exposed his neck and allowed his feelings—allowed himself—to be perceived unconditionally.
It feels good. It feels right. ]
Thank you, [ Kaito murmurs, squeezing her cheeks. He doesn't let go, but instead carefully pushes to his feet, shuffles around the chair, and plops down. The weight that presses down on her lap is light—he's not settling in fully, which you can argue is a kind consideration or him holding back again. His gaze finally returns to gold. Lips curl a warm smile. ]
I want it all, y'know. I've been told I'm a voracious reader. I want to learn—about you, and the city, and Elijah, too. I want to pour over every chapter of your story. I want to understand the the good, the ugly, everything in between. Everything that makes you who you are.
[ Kaito leans in. His hands shift away, sliding over her shoulders to he can loop her into an embrace. His forehead bumps hers. ]
...And I'll give you everything, in turn.
[ A commitment, faint yet firm. Kaito doesn't tease closing the distance, doesn't whisper against her lips. But his embrace coils a little tighter. His weight settles a little more firmly in her lap. The intent is there, gleaming in golden pools. ]
...
[ A nervous chuckle puffs out. Kaito closes his eyes for a moment, providing her a brief respite from his gaze. When he opens them again, his lips part to ask: ]
again, all too much, more in distance than the outpouring of feelings like it had been in his room. of course she likes the physicality. there's not a doubt she enjoys it, and it's not even her first time being trapped in a way with eyes she could get lost in.
but her hand comes up and pushes his face away with a short laugh; didn't she just say there was no rush? it's too much, a sort of discomfort bleeding from her heart at the lack of control, the lack of choice she has between giving him what he'd like and having the space to choose it herself, and yes, she feels bad. there's simply a difference. ]
You're way too close, Kaito. Go cool off.
[ because it is, in a way, an overflowing of emotions, even if she can't feel it herself. go, shoo, back to her bed, give her room to breath. ]
[ He feels it before she confirms, but Kaito still feels a frown pull at his lips when he hears the delivery.
When he pulls away, it's to the door he retreats, not her bed. He stares at the steel, pensive, maybe a little... He can't quantify the other blip of emotion he's feeling right now. ]
Okay. [ Belated, but a reply nonetheless. ] A simple 'no' would have sufficed—that kinda hurt—but I think I understand a ltttle better now.
[ The dragon turns his gaze over and down, offering an apologetic smile. ]
This seems like a good time to separate and process our feelings. Where we can both be in control.
[ It's going to be a task to navigate that base need, he realizes. To control, and to be in control.
A beat. Kaito smiles again. He isn't pushing forward just yet. Something odd yet familiar gnaws at him from the recessed of his memories. ]
...I would like to stay, though. I just... don't know if you want me to anymore.
[ is all she offers up, slowing her heart as she watches him with some uncertainty. they're still friends. at base, they're still friends. but just as he doesn't know if he can give her all she might want, she doesn't know the same. ]
... I hope someday, you feel comfortable enough not to read me like that. So if you feel like it's better to go, for yourself or for me, then go ahead. I'm only a few doors down.
[ and she always ever will be, as long as she has a say in it. ]
[ malkuth'd turned back to her carving, careful to skim just enough
skin off her finger, staring at the welling blood with a groan as she wraps it tight in her shirt to stem the scrape and set the cat aside again, knocking the door open with her ankle. she is trying so hard not to be annoyed but it's just the irritation of being startled it's her fault for not using the gloves she promised rodya she'd buy.
He's changed into black sweatpants and a bright fucking yellow Everlight shirt that's seen a few paint and food and soil stains. A pair of gloves are tucked under his arm and a few birch blocks sit haphazardly in his hands.
He also immediately squints at her wrapped finger. ]
...
Good thing I brought gloves.
[ A beat. He looks up, sheepish. ]
...Hi. I'm Stupid, from down the hall.
I'd like to spend some time with my best friend doing something fun instead of going a week and a half straight full of guilt.
[ ... she really didn't think he'd be back, so she stands there a moment before glancing at his materials and easing, a grin tugging at her lips. ]
There might be. As long as you promise to clean your space when you're done.
[ and she'll step back in with a wave of her uninjured hand, searching through her nightstand before finding the needed bandages (few as they are, now) and going back to sit at her desk. don't worry she'll put her gloves on before she starts again. ]
There's not exactly a lot of room though, so... make do. What're you thinking of making? I've been asking people's favorite animals and using that as practice myself.
[ Despite his nonchalant reintroduction, the relief that washes over Kaito is palpable even to cinderblocks. He's quick to dart in and chuck his things on the bed. ]
I'm literally eighty-five percent water elemental. What part about me isn't clean, huh? And you should let me heal that cut.
[ There it is. Finally. A no frills grin. But he does hold his hand out expectantly. ]
I'm making a surprise, so I can't talk about it yet. I have a teeeeeeny bit of experience from the one time I read a whittling book in university, so we're basically on par with each other.
No, I have more experience. I've been doing this for a week or two now.
[ ha!!! ha!!! she's the senior here!!! but she'll narrow her eyes at him, playfully suspicious, before tugging off her glove with her teeth and handing her. well. hand over. ]
It's a pretty good way to keep myself busy though, when I'm not dragging people out to eat with me. And they make fine little gifts.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
yeah. his eyes really are some of her favorite. it takes a moment longer for her to reply, caught by the shifting golds and blues. ]
You've got no faith in me. I'd find out my limit and then keep just under it.
[ just like with her Pages. ]
The pain wouldn't be any worse than what I've already experienced, but I suppose I'll let you and Marmar handle the heavy lifting there. I'd rather get a cool weapon for when I'm lacking in my versatility.
[ like her lack of ice with the geckos. ]
no subject
[ The last word comes out much softer than the rest. It's a pot and kettle moment—he knows he's worse when it comes to limits.
Kaito spends a few more moments fussing over her hands before shifting closer to her. ]
Marmar, Mally... What do I get, then?
[ No waiting for an answer—Kaito lifts the brunette's hands to his lips and plants feather-light kisses on every scrape and cut. Warmth blooms in his palms and face, seeping out in waves of pulsing green light that near-instantaneously stitch and seal each wound.
It's nothing like the gentle tingle of his natural healing magic; rather, this heat is firm and forceful, but still gentle. Careful, despite the sheer speed with which it reverses all that damage.
Within seconds, her hands are completely healed. Kaito's lips linger on her knuckles, golds staring up to gauge her reaction.
His gaze is clouded with an odd mix of fear, worry, and determination. Set on doing his task, yet ready to retreat at the slightest sign of discomfort. ]
no subject
he doesn't wait the answer caught in her throat as he butterflies healing kisses against the small cuts, the nicks and scrapes she's accumulated. it's a stark difference to the sort she's used to from him and her neck warms.
her cheeks follow, lips pressed tight and fingertips the same as they grasp kaito's hand. there's not a discomfort to her gaze, just surprise and embarrassment. ]
Th... that so wasn't necessary, [ she finally mumbles out, but her hands remain in his, lingering like her gaze. ] Kaito.
[ it's hard to make his name into one, she'd wanted to complain. marmar is a stretch. it isn't her preferred ending. but she can turn it into marmalade, which is sweet and tangy just like her best friend. kaito... what could he be? toto, like the dog? that'd be cute; it'd fit his looks, but he wouldn't appreciate it. ]
no subject
honestly, he's tired. Tired of the tired old song and dance of distancing himself from the people he wants to be closest to, tired of running, tired of the self-sabotage. Sooyoung's words resonate as he kisses each and every little nick and cut he can see on Malkuth's fingers.
'Be greedy for yourself. Ruin the world if you have to.'
While he doesn't have to go that far... What's important is that he's willing to.
When she finally speaks up to scold him, a hint of that trademark sunshine glows in his growing smile. He keeps her hands close to his lips; his breath tickles fair skin. ]
That was a trick question. I hate nicknames.
[ He leans in closer, never breaking eye contact. Even as their lips settle on a crash course, he doesn't stray—it's only at the last second that Kaito veers off, letting their cheeks graze against each other as he whispers into her ear. ]
Truth be told, I like it best when my name rolls off your lips, Malkuth.
no subject
her breath stills as he comes closer, heart fluttering and world becoming nothing but
the sight of her stuffed animal-covered bed across the room, his cheek brushing against her heated one. malkuth's exhale comes out in a sigh, disappointed and relieved at the same time. she closes her eyes, resting her forehead on her arms as she pulls her hands away to better pillow herself, and shakes her head.
give her a moment. there's still a bundle of embarrassment, make no mistake, but there's at least no panic, no confusion. it hadn't come as a surprise to march. malkuth's aware herself she's into him. but it wasn't fair, was it, that not a week ago...
... wow she really wants to die actually, ]
It's rude to tease people like that, Toto. What if you give someone the wrong idea?
[ she's decided. she's calling him toto. ]
no subject
Either way, he doesn't move. The nickname is kinda cute, actually. He quite likes the story attached to that particular dog. But it's not quite the character he's thinking of right now. ]
I'm not teasing, [ he whispers. His hands curl up in his lap. ]
I'm just a coward who thinks he doesn't have the right to make this memory.
[ Kaito finally lifts his head, and he's smiling like it's two weeks ago and he never opened his mouth or took her to dance. But his eyes don't match, and he hopes she knows this is as honest as he can muster right now. ]
I wasn't greedy enough, I suppose.
no subject
he's just like her coworkers back home. there's a level of sincerity of her feelings, one that she's careful not to tread onto the other side of just in case, and
that's been hard here too, for different reasons, romantic or not. malkuth shuffles one hand out to rest it on his cheek, squeezing lightly. ]
It doesn't matter if you have a right to it or not, Kaito. [ it doesn't matter if he feels he deserves to. ] If you want to, you should.
[ that
is exactly the sort of reasoning that had tumbled her into a different circumstance of trouble, but it's still something she believes in wholeheartedly. why deny yourself happiness? why think you're not good enough? why consider who you are, what you've done, and measure it against the possibilities laid out in the future?
their ideal had been that everyone, everyone would be able to live more freely. not just those born in Nests, not just the supposed "good", but everyone. because humanity inherently deserves that much, whether they or others think they don't.
hypocrite that she is, who denies herself the simple pleasure of her friends. who feels that emptiness at the thought, who's clawed out every bit of thought that said she's in the wrong and shoveled interactions and relationships with others into that cavity instead. kaito and vergilius make her feel less lonely, march makes her feel at home in a new world, maybe she's the greedy one. ]
Just make sure the other person wants to make one, too.
[ a peck on the nose, that's all he's getting as she turns her face away. ]
But I'm still mad at you, so don't expect it from me. Where's my say in things, huh? Why don't you try asking?
no subject
...Twice from kettles.
[ Kaito huffs a sigh. Even the faintest touch, a kiss to his nose, is enough to yank him to a full stop and twist his stomach into knots. But it doesn't really matter. Or, it does, but...
He's going to argue with himself all night. Sorry, Sooyoung. His plan was flawed from the start. Rather than answer her questions right away, Kaito falls back onto the bed and kicks his legs out. The sound of bubbling water begins to resonate in the room.
His voice comes out in a dull but pained murmur. ]
...Because I didn't want to know.
I didn't want to know the truth and make it that much worse when I ran.
That's why I wanted to keep my feelings to myself. At least then, we'd both stay ignorant.
no subject
better in ignorance, was it. ]
You're stupid.
[ to him, to elijah. ]
What would cause you to run? Me feeling the same, or feeling differently? And... would you stay away forever, or just a little while? [ ... ] No matter the reason why, as long as you came back, I could wait for you.
[ because he's important to her, as she's important to him. he makes her feel alright. even now, with the space between them, her back to him and watching him in the faint reflection of the framed photo she'd hidden from vergilius when he'd dropped by to apologize... malkuth feels more at peace than she did the first, unremembered in full, and the second, which he's forgotten save the one line she'd written for his benefit.
time does help, after all. she could wait. she was used to that. ]
no subject
[ The bubbling becomes louder. Golds reclaim their azure shine. He's ready to leave, but the questions weigh him down.
He shouldn't listen. He should go. He shouldn't have tried to deviate from his self-ordained fate. But these past two weeks have filled his mind with doubts. Hopes. Desires. Dreams.
Things he's resigned himself to surrendering before they settle in his heart. Because he's stupid. Stupid and terrified.
Yet here she is, distracting him again. Making him think.
Gritting his teeth, Kaito throws himself upright, onto his feet. He marches in front of her—in front of Elijah and all the others. ]
...
[ His mind is a storm of emotions and desires clashing with each other; every voice is a ripple that echoes and fills his hearing with white noise.
Clear, crystal blues state straight into auburn pools. Searching. Maybe a little desperate, if the strain in his voice isn't indicative enough. ]
...What is it you want, then?
If I know, if I understand... Can I be less of a coward than I am?
no subject
[ is how she replies, staring at the photo again before lifting her head to find his golden gaze. there's the feeling that it's fine if he did -- as long as he came back, eventually. as long as she could wait and see him another day.
what... does she want? it had been easy with physicality, but it's harder in every other instance. her hand sets the framed picture down and she folds both of hers in her lap as she turns to him in her chair. what does she want... the things he can't give her, the things he won't, the things that fear seizes and holds tight in its grasp. it's delicate. she doesn't want to lose what they have in a gamble for more.
he didn't answer her questions. how is she suppose to know what to say? ]
You are... one of my very best friends, and someone I don't feel lonely around. My worries dissolve when I see your name pop up, and at the same time I'm worried about other things, too. Because I do like you a lot, [ hands squeezing together, ] I love that we click and it feels like sometimes, you know me better than I know myself. And then there's other times where I know you don't at all.
[ or are too scared to know her, hiding his heart or restricting it. her face warms and she forces herself to remain locked with his gaze, even as she wants to run herself. pot, kettle. ]
So let me clear. I'm into you, and I wouldn't back down if someone else was into you, too. I don't know if I want something serious. I'm still trying to figure things out, but I don't want to be ignorant of your feelings for me, of my feelings for you. You're one of the most important people in my life right now.
[ which means she wants to show her love and bury it in the same measure. the latter is a kneejerk reaction, because malkuth knows it's a regret elijah must have had in her final moments, never once telling that man how she'd felt and trying so, so hard to show it in other ways instead. what's wrong with committing to telling people how you feel? nothing, even if nothing even if something comes of it.
isn't it just nice to know you're wanted? ]
I want you to know all of that. And not to forget it.
1/2
[ No, she won't. Of course she won't. He's just.
Teasing? Or goading?
Either way, he listens to what follows. Drops to a knee, to even the difference in their height. Leans forward, to prop his arm against the back of her hair so he can rest his head on it. Close, but not too close. Not close enough, either.
Here and there, her words tug at his heartstrings, trigger fragments of memories that had been lost for days. But nothing concrete. Nothing solid. Even now, all he remembers of that painful night is the single line she left for him in the notepad.
'You said I was the most important person in the world to you.' ]
2/2
How easy would it be, to snip the thread right here and now? To simply say that he also doesn't want to commit to anything, that he'll be fine with whatever she chooses to do down the line? That's respectful enough, isn't it?
But it'd be a lie. Is this not the culmination of his hazy, half-remembered encounters with everyone? Of his most recent conversation with Sooyoung? Did he not resolve for something different, this time? Can't he, at the very least— ]
I'm sorry I never gave you the chance to speak up.
[ —Apologize? ]
Not now, not the night before, not even during our dance. I forced you to carry everything without taking any responsibility for my words. Even now, I was going to do it again.
[ Kaito shakes his head. Laughs; bitter, but somewhat relieved. ] How much time did I waste as a result? Time that could have been spent laughing and enjoying ourselves? Stupid.
Listen, Malkuth. ...I don't want to run. I'm just scared. Scared I'll hurt you, scared I won't be able to give you what you want, scared of the next smooth talker who knows how to ask for what he wants coming up to you and snatching you away. Hell, if we were back on Earth, I'd be scared of a goddess swooping in to take you away just because you'd be in the way.
...I'm rambling. [ Another shake of the head. More vigorous. He tries to settle his blue-gold (indecisive, just as afraid as he is to commit one way or another) pools on hers, but he's a little dizzy. It prompts a small, sheepish smile. ]
I'll say it. Fairly, this time. On even footing—where I'm not going to forget because I was ill, and where you won't be able to forget because you're drunk. [ Kaito straightens up. Holds trembling, scar-riddled hands out for her to take or ignore. ]
You are, without exception, the most important person in the world to me. 'Liking you' isn't a strong enough descriptor to match my feelings towards you, Malkuth. Everything about our friendship makes me feel weightless. When you're around me, life feels like it's regained a piece that's been missing for years. Your smile is sunlight, and I'm a stupid sunflower who's always going to be chasing that warmth.
I'm terrified of what lies between those lines... But I want to know, too. I want to know everything about you. All of you. And if that means I have to... If I have to give you the same in turn, then...
I want to try.
I don't know what that means for our friendship. What it will mean. But fuck it, who cares? If it's not going to kill me for good, why don't I just try? Maybe... we can try, one step at a time, to understand each other fully. And then... go from there.
[ Kaito pauses there. Wheezes out a sigh. His pulse has skyrocketed. His head's feeling light. But he doesn't dare break away from her gaze. He can't. If he does now, he may never reclaim his nerves.
He's just, y'know. Trying to muster the words again.
Maybe he needs a little break. ]
no subject
they're such lovely words. meant for her, and her alone; it's baffling in a way, that she of all people could have an effect on another. not even such an effect -- just one in general. there's no safety net of alcohol, of illness or fatigue. there's no excuse to be found. there's simple, honest truth.
and it feels nice. it feels unbelievable. so much of her wants to battle it, heart trembling the way his hands had before, and malkuth buries her face into his hands with a deep, shaky sigh. why is it always so hard to look people in the eyes when they're honest with her like this?
(... her?) ]
Mm. [ just a small sound. a soft tremble to her voice. ] Thank you. For being honest with me, and for being fair.
[ she knows it's hard. he's made as such clear. malkuth wonders if elijah had had the time, if she could've spoken up too. maybe, maybe not; that future had been stolen from her, and with it her chance too. if she'd ever had the thought. ]
And... you're forgiven, too.
[ of course he is. she'd forgiven vergilius for the same. as if there was ever a doubt she wouldn't, even if it would've taken longer. malkuth isn't a patient person. but she knows what can't be rushed, and what can be. relationships are something that can't be -- she's learned this the hard way, with ishmael herself. ]
There's no rush. I'm not going anywhere, at least not willingly. Okay? I promise. I'll take my time reading your story, and I expect you to take your time, too. Though I don't have anything to hide if you ask about it.
no subject
When she finally responds, he feels the tension ebb out of his chest, out of his everything. He wants to fall forward and cry. Scream. Laugh. Relief and happiness wind their way into his heart. For the first time, he's exposed his neck and allowed his feelings—allowed himself—to be perceived unconditionally.
It feels good. It feels right. ]
Thank you, [ Kaito murmurs, squeezing her cheeks. He doesn't let go, but instead carefully pushes to his feet, shuffles around the chair, and plops down. The weight that presses down on her lap is light—he's not settling in fully, which you can argue is a kind consideration or him holding back again. His gaze finally returns to gold. Lips curl a warm smile. ]
I want it all, y'know. I've been told I'm a voracious reader. I want to learn—about you, and the city, and Elijah, too. I want to pour over every chapter of your story. I want to understand the the good, the ugly, everything in between. Everything that makes you who you are.
[ Kaito leans in. His hands shift away, sliding over her shoulders to he can loop her into an embrace. His forehead bumps hers. ]
...And I'll give you everything, in turn.
[ A commitment, faint yet firm. Kaito doesn't tease closing the distance, doesn't whisper against her lips. But his embrace coils a little tighter. His weight settles a little more firmly in her lap. The intent is there, gleaming in golden pools. ]
...
[ A nervous chuckle puffs out. Kaito closes his eyes for a moment, providing her a brief respite from his gaze. When he opens them again, his lips part to ask: ]
...May I?
no subject
again, all too much, more in distance than the outpouring of feelings like it had been in his room. of course she likes the physicality. there's not a doubt she enjoys it, and it's not even her first time being trapped in a way with eyes she could get lost in.
but her hand comes up and pushes his face away with a short laugh; didn't she just say there was no rush? it's too much, a sort of discomfort bleeding from her heart at the lack of control, the lack of choice she has between giving him what he'd like and having the space to choose it herself, and yes, she feels bad. there's simply a difference. ]
You're way too close, Kaito. Go cool off.
[ because it is, in a way, an overflowing of emotions, even if she can't feel it herself. go, shoo, back to her bed, give her room to breath. ]
no subject
When he pulls away, it's to the door he retreats, not her bed. He stares at the steel, pensive, maybe a little... He can't quantify the other blip of emotion he's feeling right now. ]
Okay. [ Belated, but a reply nonetheless. ] A simple 'no' would have sufficed—that kinda hurt—but I think I understand a ltttle better now.
[ The dragon turns his gaze over and down, offering an apologetic smile. ]
This seems like a good time to separate and process our feelings. Where we can both be in control.
[ It's going to be a task to navigate that base need, he realizes. To control, and to be in control.
A beat. Kaito smiles again. He isn't pushing forward just yet. Something odd yet familiar gnaws at him from the recessed of his memories. ]
...I would like to stay, though. I just... don't know if you want me to anymore.
Thoughts?
no subject
[ is all she offers up, slowing her heart as she watches him with some uncertainty. they're still friends. at base, they're still friends. but just as he doesn't know if he can give her all she might want, she doesn't know the same. ]
... I hope someday, you feel comfortable enough not to read me like that. So if you feel like it's better to go, for yourself or for me, then go ahead. I'm only a few doors down.
[ and she always ever will be, as long as she has a say in it. ]
no subject
[ It seems Kaito's finally out of words. He just bumps his knee forward on the door, prompting it to open.
I'm only a few doors down.
An effortless, fathomless distance. A distance regardless. Kaito just nods before silently walking out. ]
no subject
loud and insistent.
Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-smack. ]
no subject
skin off her finger, staring at the welling blood with a groan as she wraps it tight in her shirt to stem the scrape and set the cat aside again, knocking the door open with her ankle. she is trying so hard not to be annoyed but it's just the irritation of being startled it's her fault for not using the gloves she promised rodya she'd buy.
what is it.............. who is it........ ]
no subject
He's changed into black sweatpants and a bright fucking yellow Everlight shirt that's seen a few paint and food and soil stains. A pair of gloves are tucked under his arm and a few birch blocks sit haphazardly in his hands.
He also immediately squints at her wrapped finger. ]
...
Good thing I brought gloves.
[ A beat. He looks up, sheepish. ]
...Hi. I'm Stupid, from down the hall.
I'd like to spend some time with my best friend doing something fun instead of going a week and a half straight full of guilt.
Is there an opening tonight?
no subject
There might be. As long as you promise to clean your space when you're done.
[ and she'll step back in with a wave of her uninjured hand, searching through her nightstand before finding the needed bandages (few as they are, now) and going back to sit at her desk. don't worry she'll put her gloves on before she starts again. ]
There's not exactly a lot of room though, so... make do. What're you thinking of making? I've been asking people's favorite animals and using that as practice myself.
no subject
I'm literally eighty-five percent water elemental. What part about me isn't clean, huh? And you should let me heal that cut.
[ There it is. Finally. A no frills grin. But he does hold his hand out expectantly. ]
I'm making a surprise, so I can't talk about it yet. I have a teeeeeeny bit of experience from the one time I read a whittling book in university, so we're basically on par with each other.
no subject
[ ha!!! ha!!! she's the senior here!!! but she'll narrow her eyes at him, playfully suspicious, before tugging off her glove with her teeth and handing her. well. hand over. ]
It's a pretty good way to keep myself busy though, when I'm not dragging people out to eat with me. And they make fine little gifts.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)