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[open/closed] i must be the only one to dance this beautiful dance
WHO: Rodion & Friends
WHAT: Catchall for May + June
WHERE: Various locations
WHEN: May & June (from TDM#4 prompts to up to end of June)
WARNINGS: various warnings due to June Event; threads/top levels will be marked accordingly
[OOC Note: If you would like to have a closed thread or something else in here, please contact me and we can set something up!]
WHAT: Catchall for May + June
WHERE: Various locations
WHEN: May & June (from TDM#4 prompts to up to end of June)
WARNINGS: various warnings due to June Event; threads/top levels will be marked accordingly
[OOC Note: If you would like to have a closed thread or something else in here, please contact me and we can set something up!]
tw: death and violence
The wind howls as night settles in this memory. The scenery is inside a building as Rodya, wearing a particular uniform, is confronting one of the tax collectors, an old woman in a fur coat that does show off her status. Their conversation is static right now so it was a good moment to take in more of the scene. The "real" Rodya remains quite as she continues to stare at herself and the woman.
Outside, the snow fall is on a medium level tonight, but the temperatures continue to be brutal. Some people lived in shabby shacks to ease the pain while there are others sleeping outside, ice literally forming on their thin, shivering bodies. Some continue to endure and cling on to life while others are less unfortunate. Desperation doesn't allow the dead any respect in these Backstreets, as people will quickly remove the clothing off of the deceased and check for anything else useful because they are desperate for a little more warmth. Some residents are a little considerate (a rare trait) to move bodies to the side if they are in more public spots such as walkways.
"But I told you time and time again, Rodya. That we must wait for the right moment."
Back at the current situation. The stern voice of a man speaks out from the air. The old woman shows no sign that she heard it, but the memory version of Rodya heard it and it only angered her more. How long does she have to wait? How many more people have to die so they can all live in a reasonable life?
"Poor Rodion, dear, you seem to be under the delusion that you’re some sort of savior... You vermin are no different from the paupers in the Backstreets."
The voice of the old woman finally rings out and right away, Rodya swings her axe right into her skull with a terrifying speed. Blood splatters on the wall behind the woman and even on the nearby window. Time was now on the move, she wastes no time to break the safe and take everything with her before she leaves the building.]
I'm guessing you want to follow her, huh?
[The "real" Rodya speaks out to Yuwon, her eyes continue to be locked on the corpse of the dead woman before she sighs and looks at him.]
tw: death and violence
he feels a bit disconnected from the scene until he sees the one familiar person within it. rodya. it's clear she was familiar with this environment and all its harshness. he sees a certain desperation to this "world." they way remove the clothes off the corpses like clockwork— with a precision that could have only been acquired through experience. in some vague way, he can only think they're a bit reminiscent of the lawlessness of the 44th floor. except, maybe even that didn't do it justice. those people were predominately criminals, and here... he can't say. he also doesn't want to judge when it's clear they're all just here for one reason... to survive.
at first he's lost in his own thoughts as he watches the scenario roll out like an old film. "wait for the right moment." it seemed reasonable in yuwon's head, and yet seeing rodya's emotions through this memory made him think twice. naturally, he looks towards the real rodya, standing over the corpse of the woman. despite seeing such violence, yuwon doesn't seem to bat an eye. instead, he seems more focused on the person in front of him. ] Follow her, or you? [ he's not sure why he asks when his feet already seem to be gradually walking in the direction the "rodya" in the vision heads towards, but not before his eyes trail back on the real one.
as if trying to see what expression she wears, if any. ]
tw: death and violence
Yuwon's on the move and she is quick to follow him. Not because she is eager to go through the memory (again... and again...), but she had no idea what he would see in here. She wants to see the same things as he does, even when her expression is empty. Somber. Her eyes are shaking as she is trying her hardest to keep it together despite knowing what is going to happen next.
...
As they are on the move towards outside the building to follow the memory version of herself, more voices speak up in the air:
"To achieve a monumental task, well-thought policies and a great power to carry them are required. All to make the redistribution of wealth happen. And in the process of moving towards progress, such minor troubles on a personal level are inevitable."
It was the same male voice as before, but quickly afterwards speaks up another voice. Rodya's voice:
"That’s minor to you? The whole thing was personal, we started this to help others!"
That statement enforced what the memory reveals next, as the memory version of Rodya and a few others in the same uniform as hers were quietly approaching residents and families to give them small bags. As soon as those pouches touches their hands, their eyes lit up. Some broke down in tears, others gained a burst of energy that they didn't know they had in them. It gave them hope. The real Rodya watches the scene with an unchanged expression, even when it's a happier one compared to seconds ago.]
He became so focused on the big future goal... that he stopped acting what he preached. Starting from helping his community to now considering their lives as 'minor troubles' while they still begged for our help. It didn't matter if you were part of the team or not. It became like a debate club rather than going out to help folks in need... Chatting and plotting away while people continue to starve, waiting on an empty promise.
[Their youngest member back then, who ended up suffocating to death because desperation and hunger led him to eat anything close to edible from the garbage. That was one of the moments when she finally snapped for good.]
Is it wrong for wanting to survive, even in terrible conditions? For you have a little hope left in you that things will turn out better if you lived another day?
no subject
a plan without the means to actually put things to action ... was basically no plan at all. it was simply an idea. a desire. a point people discuss, and a lofty want that would be left unachieved. regardless, the passion in rodya's voice shakes him from his own thoughts. "that's minor to you?" he feels he can feel her emotions in that moment. despite how detached he tended to be, and how this is only a memory—
he wonders if rodya is convincing this mysterious man, or himself.
he shakes his head as he reaches over and brushes a hand against hers. almost as if he deliberates on what he should do. could she see this dream through, or was he better off shaking her off from pursuing it any further. for once, when he sees her like this, her face expressionless, he feels like he gets insight into her e.g.o. for the first time. ... and wonders if that's why she seemed so cautious with it.
after a moment of silence, he replies to her; his tone soft, despite carrying the same composure. ] It's not wrong. You're right. A plan with no actual action is just bullshit. [ which is facts. while he can comprehend the end justifying the means, that was only if something was actually being done. outside of that, they were just pretty words. but, maybe beyond all that, his irritation stems from somewhere else completely.
there were only a handful of moments where he felt such emotions, and yet it stands to testament. his grips his hand into a fist, before he asks in a more controlled voice. ] ... did things ever change? [ he isn't sure if he asks as if to prompt what came next...
or if because he really doesn't know. ]
last tw: death + violence moment i swear homies, the comfort part will start soon
She takes his hand into her own after letting him brush against hers, to ground herself for the scene incoming ahead. It didn't take long for a chorus of screaming residents to start as any family who received money and managed to have a nice meal for once in their life were violently dragged out of their homes by a particular group. They could best be described as flashy gangsters with glowing body tattoos and they have chains wrapped around their arms and fists for their weapons.]
That woman I killed... [She speaks out, even if her voice is struggling. Like she doesn't want to talk, but there is a force choking the words out of her neck.] She had family in one of the top syndicates of the Backstreets. If you kill one of their own, they will dish out their revenge until they are satisfied. It didn't matter who done it, someone had to pay... The ones who had a decent meal in their lives were the most suspected in their eyes.
[The residents were beaten and killed violently, their corpses became giant piles of flesh to give out a message to those that are unaffected by the slaughter. The ones that are fearfully hiding in their homes, hoping they don't come after them for another reason. Fighting back was useless due to the sheer levels of their strength and those who tried to run away only met with a more brutal death.]
All I wanted... was to give them a little warmth.
[The song of screaming and crying starts to die down as the piles of flesh continue to grow.]
No matter what I do now, it will never make up for what I have done...
[And then there was silence in the air. The message has been placed and the gangsters disappear in the same direction they arrived from before vanishing for good.]
I want to keep looking ahead as I keep on walking towards tomorrow, but to live while these burdens hold their grip on you... It's suffocating.
[The memory ends as reality returns to them and she lets go of Yuwon's hand after one final squeeze.]
People have enough problems as it is. They don't care who is dealing with what, nobody truly wants to hear these things. I might be always be like this... Least I can do is hide it until I allow myself forgiveness. For now... I will always be in the cold.
[It's where she belongs after all.]
no subject
there was no redoing this past, and so all he can do there is listen to her explanation.
her feelings are completely valid, and he's definitely killed others for far less. for just the mere potential for getting in the way of his future plans— for turning their blade against his first. the transgressions aren't necessarily deep, and so he doesn't feel her wants are unreasonable. doesn't think she killed the woman unprompted or in vain. if anything, rodya was just as warm-hearted as he thought beneath it all. or rather, he knows she was capable of kindness without expecting anything in return— her helping him in the past relayed that to him. but, now a part of him doesn't know if he justifies this simply because it made logical sense to him...
or because it's her.
apparently, it didn't have the end result she wanted. a simple meal easily being turned into the metaphorical nail into their very real coffins. ] Ignorance isn't always a sin. Not having known her background... [ it's hard to convince someone to absolve themselves of guilt. no, it was impossible, so all he does is shake her hand off and instead, put his hands on her shoulders, looking into her eyes as he speaks.
when the memory ends, he almost doesn't notice at all. ]
You don't have to be in the cold if you don't want to. [ gradually his hands move up to cup her cheeks, his thumbs moving slightly below her eyes, almost as if wiping tears that may not have existed, or have long dried up. it's a gesture he does on instinct, even amongst the corpses that he recalls just moments prior.
compared the frigid air of her past, the touch of her skin in the present is warm. ]
no subject
Yuwon grabbing her shoulders did make her flinch in surprise as she was lost in her own thoughts and he pulled her back to reality as the memory ends. Her eyes were wide in surprise for a few seconds, but she closes her eyes softly as she places her own hands over Yuwon's, her thumbs rubbing the top of his hand in small gestures.]
Part of me doesn't want to be, but... Another part of me feel like I have to be in the cold. Until I find the answer to the question of when it’ll be okay to warm myself.
[One could say that she is taking some responsibility for her sins and she is serving the punishment she placed on herself. She opens her eyes as she looks back at Yuwon with a somber gaze yet there is a light in them. One that appears only in front of him, even if she is unaware of it.]
I can't fully warm myself until my heart is satisfied, but... I am pretty good at distracting myself. So don't worry too hard about me, even if I am happy that you are giving me your attention. Like a coin with one side sparkling and the other side beaten, rusted with time... Focus on the side I like to show. The cool, more amazing side of me~
[Hey, a little jest helps her cope in the long run, enough that a small smile creeps up on her.]
But, seriously- [A pause as she thinks on her words a little longer.] If I had to show anyone that memory again- It's not the first time I had my past flash out in the open and it's still not easy, by the way.
[That's another story for another day. Get back on track, girl.]
If anyone had to see it, I'm glad it's you.
no subject
naturally, there are several questions that filter through his head, and just barely rise up to his throat. but, instead of asking them, he simply decides to swallow down whatever he was curious about. for a good minute, he's silent, just his hands on her skin, as her words hung in the space between them.
perhaps, because of that, he eventually offers her the slight quirk of his lips. ] You don't have to worry about that. You always show your good sides. [ as far as he was concerned. whether it was on the battlefield, or out of it, it was clear she held herself with her own sense of pride and conviction. as easygoing as she was on the surface, she was more than reliable when push came to shove, and he knows that about her without even having to think it over twice.
however, while he knows it, he also decides to respect her own wishes. her perception of herself and her circumstances. ... and her desires for her own future. regardless, of he's there in it. he figures everyone has their own objective, himself included, and he wanted her to rightfully prioritize that.
hence, he ends up giving her a careful nod of his head. "i'm glad it's you." it's words he's never expected to hear. considering he's mostly led a solitary life, they're words which manage to leave more impact than he expects. he's speechless, really, and so all he can do in a situation like this is...
place a hand gently on the back of her head, his hand sliding down to pat the back of her hair, his fingers getting caught in its stray strands as he pulls himself close to her. he's about to open his mouth to speak, but instead decides not to. he just hopes this is the last time she repeats these memories, and only hopes they drift further from her mind. ]
no subject
One hand moves to cup his cheek, her thumb daring to touch his lips with a small stroke. She swallows the air in her throat before she speaks up again:]
Hey... What were you about to say?
[How long does she (and the people tracking this thread right now) have to wait? She has been trying her best to keep it together for this long, but she doesn't know how much longer she can last. It's agony as if her hands are clawing at the wall in between them, trying to create a hole to reach him on the other side.]
Not trying to force you to talk or anything, but time is always shorter than we think. I might die or disappear in a week. It could be tomorrow or even a few hours. I'm still waiting, even if I might lose it.
[She will admit to him that she is still waiting. That alone got to be something.]
1/2
[ he leads with those words. unfortunately, there isn't grand epiphany or elaborate dialogue on his end. despite pinpointing that rodya may have clearly been special to him, he knows it's not like he could irresponsibly act on these emotions. maybe a part of it is simply ingrained within him. despite that being undone with centuries of existing in the tower and his companions... the orphan who was was wary to trust others definitely still existed within him.
it's not easy, and in light of it. ] But, I just wanted to say don't show anyone else your memories. [ since it hurts her, but he realizes now, he's probably not communicating his actual point well. ] I'll be here. [ for now. indefinitely, sure. he can't exactly make promises he can't keep just like he can't commit to something he hasn't defined. but, it's clear he wants to. but, what she says is also true. while she has no intentions of leaving... ]
no subject
he wants to say the wait is over, but...
surely, we still have two more months of waiting arc. ]
no subject
While they are both people who don't make promises that they can't keep, his words give her some form of comfort even if he says it's not any consolation. Yuwon is not the ideal candidate to give comfort due to his character and how his previous environment shaped him to who he is today, but because it is him... Someone who gave her their time, someone that she is able to be comfortable around for his presence alone. Telling her to wait back then still left an ugly scar over her heart, but instead of confronting him in that moment, she accepted his wish so he can sort his feelings out. However, he isn't the only one dealing with these new feelings.
She is still thinking about a lot of things in her life, but she knows this: She wants to be with him. He deserves to know it, even if he doesn't feel the same way.
He moved her hand and pulled her in for a kiss, which speaks a lot for the lack of words in between them. The teeth against her bottom lip sparked something bad in her that as soon as he pulls back, she follows him to kiss him back and keep their mouths together. A heavy kiss that lingered enough to get a large chunk of her emotions out before she pulls back to speak in a whisper.]
Sorry... I don't think I can wait much longer. I feel like my chest is going to burst. [A pause.] If you kiss me again in this moment, I might not let you go.
[It's a fair warning. She pulls back to look at him properly with a heavy gaze and takes a deep breath before she continues-]
Because I want to be with you. Even if it's temporary, even if you are way more special than I am... Even if you don't feel the same, I still like you and I like being around you. [Her eyes glance downwards, the hand from his cheek moves to cling on his shoulder.]
I don't blame you if you don't feel the same... Then again, I don't know what I am to you.
no subject
it isn't often that yuwon finds himself acting on pure impulse. even now, he feels a slight flutter in his chest that he'd much rather ignore. while he would have readily chalked it up to their proximity and this technically not being the first time that they've shared such an intimate encounter (albeit, he regretted his past behavior)— he has a feeling it was more than that. he figured this talk may have been a long time coming, but he expected this discussion to be far more different.
as foolish as it may have sounded on paper, he expected it to be more of a discussion on how they've come to rely on one another in some loose capacity. where maybe this environment may have shaped them into believing that being close to one another was natural. almost as if trying to pinpoint some logical reasoning for why they may have gotten to this point, and yet none of that seems to matter.
as straightforward as yuwon was, there were moments in which he simply didn't want to disclose his deepest thoughts. in those circumstances, he normally just shrugged, or simply stopped talking altogether. it's a wonder how that's worked for him so many times in the past, but he sees that's clearly not going to be the case here. or that's what his gut is telling him. he wonders... why she was so set on believing he was special? special in general, or special to her?
is this just curiosity as to why she felt the way she did about him? did he even see it as real affection? it's not to discount his own role in the tower, or anything like that, but that he simply just couldn't understand what she saw in him. he tips her chin back up, just a little, as he locks his eyes on hers; seeing himself reflected in the blue— ]
Are you asking what you are to me? [ "you're also special," or so his gaze seems to say. he falls silent for a moment, before: ]
After the next kaiju battle, make some time for me.
[ if just because it feels weird to be in the middle of something... or maybe because seeing all their old memories had recently got yuwon thinking. ] If you want to hit me then, I'll accept it. [ if just because.... yuwon is used to letting people hit him to release their anger. surely, if it worked on hephaestus, it works on everyone.
but, at the same time, he also didn't feel like it was right to tell her how he felt when she just finished showing him her memories. it felt too vulnerable and personal, and if he had to tell her his thoughts, he'd rather it be when both their conscience were cleared of guilt, or whatever remained at the end of the day. ]
no subject
Her blue eyes... 'I probably looked pathetic in his eyes right now' as she thought, her own eyes are filled with such a mix of emotions. Sorrow, frustration, yearning-
She has put so much effort into trying to change herself a little bit and trying to make this work, trying to understand Yuwon as a whole while learning things about him and being drawn to his strengths and charms. Drawn to his uniqueness and small bits of kindness, even if she doesn't understand some of his behaviors or actions. He is not as much emotional as compared to she is, Rodya has only seen Yuwon always keeping his cool and straight to the point. She has seen him smile, but other emotions are either too rare to catch or impossible to see. Overall, Yuwon is someone special and part of him does make her feel like she is special. Something she longed for because how The City raised and treated her. To have achievements she could be proud of having, to be a better person...
Even in this world... She feels like she hasn't gone much anywhere, no matter what things she has done... It's not her world to begin with, but it would be nice to leave her name here before she disappears. To feel that she has achieved something.
She opens her mouth to say something, but the last sentence oddly catches her off guard. Dude????]
Okay, it's a tempting offer, but why would you suggest that... Weirdo. Do you like getting hit that much?
[Backtracking to his previous words, she's been told to wait. Again. She turns her head away as she sighs, breaking their eye contact while a hand moves to push Yuwon's hand off of her chin.]
How can I understand you if you keep making me wait? But, fine... I get it. [She turns her head back towards him, but her eyes are glancing to the side instead of towards him. She should walk away right there, but she's hesitating...]
no subject
he knows it's not exactly fair to her to make her wait until he feels like he's come to his own conclusions. until the aftermath of the kaiju battle that would inevitably just repeat itself, almost like an endless cycle. perhaps, it simply was just him falling back into old habits. of focusing on a distant future rather than the present. but, sometimes even he thinks moments like these seem far more valuable.
as difficult as it is for him to dig that deep (mostly out of the dogmatic desire to remain neutral and apathetic), he can't deny she was there. even now he feels like heart itself was trembling, wavering, and the only the thoughts of his seemingly lofty goals seem to re-ground him. but, her response does make him feel a bit lighter, but not by much. ] ... Of course not. But, if it relieves your anger a little.
[ it was easier for him to accept someone's anger flat out like that than it was to argue with them. it seemed the most effective at times. (doubt) ]
Don't go. [ he grabs a hold of her wrist. he might not have a right to ask her to stay after all of that, but he just feels like he couldn't leave her alone right now. but, suddenly feeling self-conscious of his words, he pauses momentarily, before releasing her wrist. ]
no subject
Maybe her desires never mattered. Because why would someone like her be deserving of affection and attention? Even happiness-
There is also another thought: Why... did LILITH pick her in the first place when there are so much better options in The City? People with power and achievements that actually made a difference meanwhile every thing she tried to do didn't make an impact. Did someone picked her as a joke? What good even is she as she's been stagnant... Trying to do something and getting nowhere meanwhile other people achieved so much, even some who recently got here.]
Why?
[It's a vague question, but a word does escape her while she is lost in her personal torment. She should accept to herself that she will never change and she will never be someone. Only a nobody. A foolish cottager. Alone in the cold.]
You don't want me to go yet you are hesistating... If that is what you want, I will leave you alone. [Until after the kaiju fight or forever... Who can truly say at this point.] I-
[She stops there as she slowly pulls herself away so she can turn around and start walking away from him.]
no subject
there's something solemn on his features as he gives a quiet, reticent sigh. it's not that he's exasperated with her, but is lamenting the fact that there's little he could do to put her mind at ease. so, he does what's best and simply just lets her leave. ]