synflux | ( closed ) life like the unplumbed sea;

[ Netzach didn't want to return to the facility, Yesod knows, but does the same apply to the Library? I'm better off than I used to be, despite everything, he'd said. However, the Library's future fate seems uncertain, and one can only hope that Netzach didn't experience further suffering here once again prior to disappearing a second time. This repeated coming and going suggests a concerning instability to LILITH's technology, besides.

Yesod can't muster any semblance of levity — but then, doesn't it fall flat all too often? Elysium has looked at him oddly for it, too. It slips beyond reach altogether before long.

Malkuth was here, out of bed when she should be resting, and Yesod isn't braced for the fresh twinge of something fractured within him. What can be taken at face value...? His gaze flicks to Elysium's mouth as it takes on the shape of a smile, familiar enough, though Elysium was scowling just moments ago.

It would be better, if Elysium were to continue that instead, if it reflects the truth. If this is unpleasant and unwelcome, done against his will. ]

...There are many questions that I could ask, but I didn't come here to interrogate you. I don't want answers that you haven't chosen to give me.

[ Yesod shakes his head. ]

First, are you in pain? I may be able to alleviate it.

[ Hadn't it been a choice, though? To ask Yesod what he wanted to hear? But it's true that if it weren't for the series of complications that had arisen as a result of their mission, Elysium wouldn't be proffering the information to begin with. Thinking back to his conversation with Malkuth about her coworkers' considerations and her own lack thereof, there's a brief moment where he examines Yesod with a blank expression—then, as if it'd never happened, his smile returns.

Yesod deserves to know that much about him: he isn't someone worth worrying over if he's this willing to keep his cards close to his chest despite Yesod's apparent concern and care. That's as explicit a statement as it gets without actually being one that he's accepted—or perhaps resigned—to going along with any pretenses Elysium's decided to adopt.

… That's fine by him. (Is it, though?) ]

If by alleviate it you mean through healing or medication, the docs told me that any more rounds of either of them would do more harm than good. [ Wryly and faintly apologetic. ] … But I appreciate it, since I doubt this is just you being on duty. You must've gone out of your way.

[ and for a lengthy time, at that. didn't he have other concerns? ]

It feels like I'm always owing you things. [ A quiet little laugh. ] There's the song from last time. Should we make it two?

[ Yesod's posture stiffens all the more, as if he was struck, belatedly steeling himself against it. On the heels of the days behind them, it's irrationally upsetting that what should be a healing ability is useless to Elysium, already unnecessary for Malkuth, just as he searched the dungeons in vain, couldn't prevent the disappearances, and now this. His fingers dig into his arms, almost clutching at his body in a strange embrace to hold himself together before too much seeps through the seams of his composure.

He has no skin, and he knows that, but he remembers the itching crawling beneath it, the rot that no one else saw. Perhaps it's still there, if he were to look. ]

...This is enough. I am here because I wanted to come.

[ He wanted to, even before he learned of what had taken place. ]

You asked me whether I need at least three months... but I only wanted to get to know you at your own pace. I wanted to believe you.

[ But friendship requires mutual trust. Answers forced out of Elysium are meaningless.

With a sudden movement, closing his eyes, Yesod shakes his head once more. Truthfully, he feels unwell. ]

...My apologies.

[ Elysium never intended to hurt anyone. His gaze drifts to the tension in Yesod's arms; for a moment, he considers reaching out to loosen his hands from where they dig into his sleeves. Instead, he redirects that impulse, running a tired hand through sweat-slicked bangs.

He's a little out of his element. He's more than a little out of his element, in the face of Yesod's unadulterated earnestness. In theory, this was what being around the same people for so long meant. In practice, he'd never lingered long enough to reach that point, intentionally or otherwise. It sits as a boulder in the cavity of his chest. ]

… What are you apologising for? It's not like I've made it easy for you, but there's really not much more to know. You can call me Elysium. I'm a field and communications specialist. My birthday's on May 8th, and I'm afflicted with Oripathy—an illness with a spotless fatality record. Before receiving treatment and my onboarding with Rhodes Island, I was a traveller wandering across Terra.

I could tell you countless stories, show you sights from all over the continent. But as far as my past goes, it's nowhere near as illustrious as yours and your coworkers.

[ An uncomplicated and simple guy. That's who he is, who he'd like to be. ]

It's less that you forced me and more that I just didn't think any of it was worth mentioning in the first place. The only reason I withheld my condition is that there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's a burden of knowledge, wouldn't you say?

[ … especially when he'd seen the extents Yesod had gone through for his people back in his world. ]

[ In the end, this has become an interrogation after all. Yesod's eyes snap open, widening slightly before the expression leaves his features. Contradicting that blankness is his tightening grip, creasing his sleeves, fingers curling against his arms like claws. ]

...I did not assume that I have your trust simply because you refer to me as a friend, nor am I entitled to the specifics of your life.

[ But to have each detail that Elysium lists, things that he already knows and won't forget, presented to him like this, reminiscent of fragments of the employee records that he once expunged... He can't detect the source of what ails him, this pressure applied to the bruising of every nonsensical overreaction lately. ]

Even so, I wanted to consider any aspect of "Elysium" relevant, to treat you as a person. But it seems that I have done the exact opposite... because I wanted to leave nothing overlooked. It must be no different from demanding information, then.

[ And the connotations of "surveillance" are impossible to ignore. ]

And yet... I can't tell you that your illness or the incident that caused your injuries won't cross my mind. Feigning indifference did no one any good.

What's trust to you, Yesod? By my definition of it, you've always had it.

[ There it is again—that persistent dissonance between him and many others. That lingering and unspoken gap, the reminder that trust, in many ways, is measured by how much of someone's life you're allowed to see.

But what Yesod describes goes beyond mere trust, wanting to leave nothing overlooked—it's some kind of attachment, a realisation that blooms a bittersweet feeling in a cavity within Elysium's chest. ]

If you wanted me to tell you anything, if you needed me to have your back, if you wanted me to trust you to have mine—all you had to do was say the word.

[ "So what are you so unsatisfied with?" is what he'd ask, if the answer weren't already lingering at the forefront of his mind. ]

… Anyway, you don't have to answer me. But things like someone's past and circumstances never factored into any of my equations, only who they choose to be today. I didn't realise they played such a large role in yours. I wouldn't deem it as uncharitable as "demanding information…" just a difference in perspective, perhaps.

[ The accusations sting. He has failed entirely to convey anything of what he meant, he realizes. Or is it that he sought his own mistakes in others and tried to forestall them, in himself and elsewhere?

With another shake of his head, Yesod loosens his hold on his arms. He must take a step back and assess the situation as objectively as he can, past the hurt. ]

That isn't the case. None of that is an expectation on my part. Moreover, it would be unreasonable of me to ask you to discuss your past and your circumstances in any amount of detail, considering that I have never done it myself.

[ And what can he trust of his own memories, of his existence as Gabriel, beyond a certain point? His own mind turned against him, continued to do so. Besides, even Malkuth doesn't know what he did after Elijah's death, how far it went, let alone how he died, he thinks. Perhaps she would see him as weak, if she knew, and perhaps he was that, genuinely fragile behind his exterior, unlike the others. ]

I am not who I was in the past, either. To avoid repeating such errors, I wanted to ensure that I didn't close my eyes...

[ Is that the full extent of it? Part of it may be far more unsettling, wanting to know as much as he could learn purely for the sake of it, anything and everything discovered worth knowing, as stories and sights and any other form, enough yet not enough, because he has enjoyed Elysium's company and expanding his understanding of someone he did want to view as a friend. ]

But to tell you the truth, when I learned of Oripathy through that dream, I chose not to ask questions because it was revealed without your consent, and I believed that you most likely have arrangements in place with LILITH. I haven't given you any reason to confide in me, at any rate.

[ His gaze wanders to Elysium's bandages. There is no rational justification for his behavior. ]

[ It's not a matter of confiding; Elysium doesn't think it is. Tight-lipped smile concealing the urge to sigh and voice that very thought, it's telling, in its own way, that he finds himself longing again for the freedom of travel, even if he knows the people around him deserve more than his quiet escapism. ]

… The time we spent together wasn't meaningless. Even if I'm not the type to place too much weight on the passage of it, the hikes we took and the days we spent doing everything and nothing in particular—they're no less significant than any other memory I've made here so far.

That said, I can't confide feelings that don't exist, nor do I want others to worry over matters that are already resolved or set in stone. If you wanted me to break down why I landed myself here to begin with, I pushed myself too hard and stepped into altercations involving those afflicted by the kaiju. But I don't begrudge anyone for it, just as I took those who caught glimpses of my past and my world in stride.

[ Working his way down the list, he methodically checks off each box he'd intentionally sidestepped, one by one. ]

If you want to know how I feel, in general… I'm just tired. I tell people not to overextend themselves, but if it's so important to them that they're willing to risk their wellbeing for, it isn't really my place to hold them back. Because, I'm the same. [ His being here, he means, is probably something that would've happened regardless of anyone's intervention. ] Eventually, we do have to pick ourselves back up. Life's too short to linger on things that can't be changed, and that's a perspective I've held both before and after my infection.

Giving accounts is easy. [ … ] As for why I ran myself so ragged… [ expression shifting, just a bit, a softer smile carrying something between fondness and resolve, ] one of the things I'll always refuse to do is abandon a comrade. Does that elucidate things for you?

Edited (don't write tags at 3am) 2024-11-21 16:19 (UTC)

[ For a while, Yesod says nothing. He studies the changing shape of Elysium's smile, listens to every word, quiet at first even after Elysium finishes. None of it is what he wanted, but his attempts to assure Elysium of that have only made matters worse.

Ultimately, this is hardly the time to explain himself further, to lay out the ways in which he has felt the need to mitigate the risks of unquestioningly indulging in Elysium's offered friendship, why he himself consequently holds the view that Elysium owes him nothing. It isn't the place to examine his own heart's flaws.

He tries to put an end to it, then, and smother foolish wishes. ]

...I came here because I wanted to be certain that you are not in further immediate danger.

[ That, at least, has been confirmed. ]

All of this... is unnecessary.

[ His gaze meets Yesod's—or at least makes the attempt. 'Is it really?' is what he could ask. But instead, he doesn't, sealing the question away just as Yesod does, offering only a thin smile for his thoughts. ]

Sure. Sorry for getting so longwinded—call it holdover from my previous profession. Trust and clear communication are everything, both on and off the battlefield. Keeping things in… that's how they boil over.

[ A brusque laugh. ]

I'll refrain from such unnecessary explanations in the future. My bad.

[ Yesod's fingers catch in the edge of the sheet covering Elysium's body, scrunching the fabric between them. He has leaned forward, hands outstretched, without consciously choosing to move — he notices it himself a moment later, too late to undo it. Keeping things in until they boil over... It's funny that Elysium says that to him, as if Elysium was there to see him rotting from within, all of it laid bare after an eternity in hell. ]

...Trust and clear communication are everything...

[ But what good would it do to admit that he is in pain? He has no explanation for it himself. ]

Are all communications specialists in the habit of misinterpreting others' words?

[ Something bright and sharp flickers across his gaze, a glimmer of triumph that suggests he's finally grasped what he's been angling for all along. His eyes briefly dart to Yesod's hands before locking onto his, intent and unyielding. ]

If I'm misinterpreting something, it's on you to clarify what you mean. So, all of it isn't unnecessary, then?

[ Yesod withdraws his hands, crossing his arms, folding himself out of the way as best he can. He holds Elysium's gaze. I'm sorry he still isn't punching him... ]

Do you believe that I wanted you to formulate a report, as if you are one of my subordinates? That I wanted information, at any cost? The issue is not that I find it longwinded or meaningless.

( closed ) life like the unplumbed sea;

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please be asleep at 3am 🙏 I WILL TRY TO WRAP THIS UP

coincidentally it is once again 3am

3AM... NO...

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