( closed ) life like the unplumbed sea;

[transmit]

WHO: Elysium & friends(?)
WHAT: This is now just a catch-all for everything
WHERE: Everywhere
WHEN: 2024
WARNINGS: Blanket warning for possible explorations of dark themes in general, please tread at your own risk. I will, however, endeavour to include specifics in headers if applicable.

Comments

[transmit]

What's trust to you, Yesod? By my definition of it, you've always had it.

[ There it is again—that persistent dissonance between him and many others. That lingering and unspoken gap, the reminder that trust, in many ways, is measured by how much of someone's life you're allowed to see.

But what Yesod describes goes beyond mere trust, wanting to leave nothing overlooked—it's some kind of attachment, a realisation that blooms a bittersweet feeling in a cavity within Elysium's chest. ]

If you wanted me to tell you anything, if you needed me to have your back, if you wanted me to trust you to have mine—all you had to do was say the word.

[ "So what are you so unsatisfied with?" is what he'd ask, if the answer weren't already lingering at the forefront of his mind. ]

… Anyway, you don't have to answer me. But things like someone's past and circumstances never factored into any of my equations, only who they choose to be today. I didn't realise they played such a large role in yours. I wouldn't deem it as uncharitable as "demanding information…" just a difference in perspective, perhaps.

[penaltypoints]

[ The accusations sting. He has failed entirely to convey anything of what he meant, he realizes. Or is it that he sought his own mistakes in others and tried to forestall them, in himself and elsewhere?

With another shake of his head, Yesod loosens his hold on his arms. He must take a step back and assess the situation as objectively as he can, past the hurt. ]

That isn't the case. None of that is an expectation on my part. Moreover, it would be unreasonable of me to ask you to discuss your past and your circumstances in any amount of detail, considering that I have never done it myself.

[ And what can he trust of his own memories, of his existence as Gabriel, beyond a certain point? His own mind turned against him, continued to do so. Besides, even Malkuth doesn't know what he did after Elijah's death, how far it went, let alone how he died, he thinks. Perhaps she would see him as weak, if she knew, and perhaps he was that, genuinely fragile behind his exterior, unlike the others. ]

I am not who I was in the past, either. To avoid repeating such errors, I wanted to ensure that I didn't close my eyes...

[ Is that the full extent of it? Part of it may be far more unsettling, wanting to know as much as he could learn purely for the sake of it, anything and everything discovered worth knowing, as stories and sights and any other form, enough yet not enough, because he has enjoyed Elysium's company and expanding his understanding of someone he did want to view as a friend. ]

But to tell you the truth, when I learned of Oripathy through that dream, I chose not to ask questions because it was revealed without your consent, and I believed that you most likely have arrangements in place with LILITH. I haven't given you any reason to confide in me, at any rate.

[ His gaze wanders to Elysium's bandages. There is no rational justification for his behavior. ]

[transmit]

[ It's not a matter of confiding; Elysium doesn't think it is. Tight-lipped smile concealing the urge to sigh and voice that very thought, it's telling, in its own way, that he finds himself longing again for the freedom of travel, even if he knows the people around him deserve more than his quiet escapism. ]

… The time we spent together wasn't meaningless. Even if I'm not the type to place too much weight on the passage of it, the hikes we took and the days we spent doing everything and nothing in particular—they're no less significant than any other memory I've made here so far.

That said, I can't confide feelings that don't exist, nor do I want others to worry over matters that are already resolved or set in stone. If you wanted me to break down why I landed myself here to begin with, I pushed myself too hard and stepped into altercations involving those afflicted by the kaiju. But I don't begrudge anyone for it, just as I took those who caught glimpses of my past and my world in stride.

[ Working his way down the list, he methodically checks off each box he'd intentionally sidestepped, one by one. ]

If you want to know how I feel, in general… I'm just tired. I tell people not to overextend themselves, but if it's so important to them that they're willing to risk their wellbeing for, it isn't really my place to hold them back. Because, I'm the same. [ His being here, he means, is probably something that would've happened regardless of anyone's intervention. ] Eventually, we do have to pick ourselves back up. Life's too short to linger on things that can't be changed, and that's a perspective I've held both before and after my infection.

Giving accounts is easy. [ … ] As for why I ran myself so ragged… [ expression shifting, just a bit, a softer smile carrying something between fondness and resolve, ] one of the things I'll always refuse to do is abandon a comrade. Does that elucidate things for you?

please be asleep at 3am 🙏 I WILL TRY TO WRAP THIS UP

[penaltypoints]

[ For a while, Yesod says nothing. He studies the changing shape of Elysium's smile, listens to every word, quiet at first even after Elysium finishes. None of it is what he wanted, but his attempts to assure Elysium of that have only made matters worse.

Ultimately, this is hardly the time to explain himself further, to lay out the ways in which he has felt the need to mitigate the risks of unquestioningly indulging in Elysium's offered friendship, why he himself consequently holds the view that Elysium owes him nothing. It isn't the place to examine his own heart's flaws.

He tries to put an end to it, then, and smother foolish wishes. ]

...I came here because I wanted to be certain that you are not in further immediate danger.

[ That, at least, has been confirmed. ]

All of this... is unnecessary.

coincidentally it is once again 3am

[transmit]

[ His gaze meets Yesod's—or at least makes the attempt. 'Is it really?' is what he could ask. But instead, he doesn't, sealing the question away just as Yesod does, offering only a thin smile for his thoughts. ]

Sure. Sorry for getting so longwinded—call it holdover from my previous profession. Trust and clear communication are everything, both on and off the battlefield. Keeping things in… that's how they boil over.

[ A brusque laugh. ]

I'll refrain from such unnecessary explanations in the future. My bad.

3AM... NO...

[penaltypoints]

[ Yesod's fingers catch in the edge of the sheet covering Elysium's body, scrunching the fabric between them. He has leaned forward, hands outstretched, without consciously choosing to move — he notices it himself a moment later, too late to undo it. Keeping things in until they boil over... It's funny that Elysium says that to him, as if Elysium was there to see him rotting from within, all of it laid bare after an eternity in hell. ]

...Trust and clear communication are everything...

[ But what good would it do to admit that he is in pain? He has no explanation for it himself. ]

Are all communications specialists in the habit of misinterpreting others' words?

[transmit]

[ Something bright and sharp flickers across his gaze, a glimmer of triumph that suggests he's finally grasped what he's been angling for all along. His eyes briefly dart to Yesod's hands before locking onto his, intent and unyielding. ]

If I'm misinterpreting something, it's on you to clarify what you mean. So, all of it isn't unnecessary, then?

[penaltypoints]

[ Yesod withdraws his hands, crossing his arms, folding himself out of the way as best he can. He holds Elysium's gaze. I'm sorry he still isn't punching him... ]

Do you believe that I wanted you to formulate a report, as if you are one of my subordinates? That I wanted information, at any cost? The issue is not that I find it longwinded or meaningless.