synflux | ( closed ) life like the unplumbed sea;

Blame LILITH for inviting me to your doorstep.

[ A quick glance at her expression, then at his hands, staring blankly at the grooves made by his fingernails. ]

… If only there were a return policy, huh.

No use regretting it now.

[ Her expression is just... tired. Controlled, but tired. Between having to stay back when two of her coworkers had vanished, to keep an eye on Siffrin, to fighting Siffrin herself, to slaughtering a bunch of people and monsters in that castle, to following up on a concerning ask, to checking on her coworkers, now this... ]

You also chose to keep involving yourself with me, even though I warned you. I'll agree to this, but you've asked a lot of me lately.

Promise broken.

[ He agrees. He'll never give Gebura a reason to have to kill him—some promise that turned out to be. ]

So? What do you want?

[ To bury him now? For him to leave her alone? He leaves it vague on purpose. ]

[ Something flashes in her eyes, too brief to be discernable.

But it's fine, because her voice is no longer calm. It's irate. ]

Prioritize your life. That includes not worsening your illness deliberately and not holding back if you think your life's at risk.

And communicate with me. I can't read your mind and I don't want to, Elysium. If you put me in another situation where I have to put the pieces together through the explanations of other people or I have no idea what you're up to, even though you're asking me to step in, I'm not going to kill you, I'm going to make you wish I would.

My abilities worked in facilitating our communications, so there was reason to believe that it might've been able to cut through whatever was blocking us. If I got through to those who were kidnapped or LILITH… things could've been different. It's not that I'm thinking about the what ifs; I just don't want to have any regrets.

[ A quiet breath. Two breaths. ]

One life for twenty. [ … ] One life for a village. We take those odds every time.

… If we can be in agreement on that, communicating better I can do. I'm really not trying to throw away my life for no reason. But even in a cage, a bird can get up to a lot of trouble, you know?

[ Gebura just stares at him, quiet for a minute. It's not that she disagrees, necessarily, because she'd also done as much in her first life and she'd do it here if she needed to.

But she's curious. ]

How many people knew about that? That strengthening your abilities hastened your illness? The group you were with?

[ With the part of having to burden her with his death somewhat past, it's a little easier to meet her gaze. Sorry that he's still smiling, but habits die hard. ]

… At the time of, no one. [ one person. who'd been kidnapped. ] They were pretty worried about me overextending myself throughout, but with my flag, carrying transmissions is effortless. It's when longer ranges and interferences are involved that makes it tricky… like when I was trapped in that cavern.

[ Releasing his fist from his hand, he idly starts picking at a hangnail. ]

I think the jig is about up, though. I really… was hoping that it would never come up, given how people are always coming and going—and since it isn't native to this world anyway. But if they ask, if they want to know, I'll tell them.

[ Restabilising his Oripathy is going to be a bitch. ]

[ He did it to himself, and Gebura's pretty much scowling now, but it's fine? Probably?

He's still recovering and she can be gentle with a patient and--

Oh, nope, she is instead standing up and moving closer to the bed, scarred fingers gripping lightly at his shirt collar. It's not throttling, at least. ]

If you're going to push it regardless, then don't wait for people to ask. Warn them about what you're going to put them through. People come and go but a lot of us are still here, Elysium.

I'm not going to ask you to promise me anything. But maybe start thinking for once that not everything is something you have to handle on your own. And I know what that sounds like, coming from me, but even I know that.

[ oh he feels like such a scolded child!! how familiar!! ]

… Let me share a bit about life on Rhodes Island. One of the first questions they ask is what you want your codename to be. For many, it's a chance to start fresh, to live a new life. No one really inquires about your past or what you hope to do moving forward; most just want to live with the time they have left.

[ It's not the first time someone's grabbed his collar like this and he doubts it'll be the last, but she could be a lot more aggressive about it and he still wouldn't bat an eye. At least he looks genuinely apologetic. ]

I figured——it was enough. To ask Izou and Yuwon to go scouting with me while keeping an eye on Ishmael. To ask you to look after Siffrin and everyone else to join you guys to keep morale high. … No one with Oripathy knows how long they have left, other than that it has a perfect fatality rate. Even before this, my condition could've destabilised the next day, or even the next week. So I wasn't thinking about it in the perspective of handling it all on my own. That's just how it is; what I'm used to.

[ Wow! Maybe he should learn something from this!! ]

Let me share a bit about life in the City.

[ Thankfully for the health of patients, her grip loosens on his collar; he's released. But Gebura stays where she is, planting that hand on the top blanket instead to keep herself leaned in. ]

If anyone asks you anything, they're gauging your worth. If you're born into the Backstreets, your only chance of survival is to use the people around you to haul yourself up or to be incredibly lucky long enough to develop your own set of skills. The few people who are genuinely kind, who want to help others, are the first to be killed. The ones who seem to be are just biding their time. Every single person in the City is considered a cog, a tiny part of a whole that could be replaced at any time. Even our struggles are weaponized against us.

[ A breath, short and quick. ]

That's what I'm used to. And yet I've got people here telling me that it's not the case here. People who go hunt me down and refuse to let me deal with things on my own, who don't want much out of me but my own company, apparently. Who want to remind me that even I'm still capable of change.

So I don't care what you're used to. [ Wow. ] You're not the only one who had to fight Siffrin. And you're not the only one who has to try to hold things together. So maybe take your own damned advice, take a step back, and realize not everything is going to be the same as what you've known.

Or did you think I came here to see you just because I wanted to snap your neck and get answers?

[ Some time after he's had the chance to let her words digest— ]

… I'm not thinking about much. Just that there's no defined adjustment period for any of us—like how you still feel the need to add "apparently" to the end of people enjoying your company. We do. … I do.

But until you can say that you've well and truly managed to overcome your preconceptions, we're the same, aren't we? Figuring out where this all of this leads while trying to not hurt the people around us.

[ He's trying. And she's been trying, he knows, long since before Seoul. That's the most anyone could ever ask from another person, and yet, there's always that eventual crossroads when someone's trying isn't enough. He doesn't relent, still, being this close to her. Instead, he casually reaches up to smooth out his collar.

Unlike with Callisto, ]

I wasn't trying to get a certain reaction out of you in particular. But if you reacted in that way, I wouldn't have blamed you.

[ Well, good to know he isn't actively trying to provoke her. It doesn't take much, admittedly, but Gebura takes a moment to breathe. In, then out. The way a Fixer grounds themselves when their emotions start to press against the seams of their common sense.

Even though her fingers clench the top of the bed, scars aching. ]

I didn't think you'd stab them without a clear-cut reason. If anything's pissed me off about it, it's that you didn't bother to explain that reason to me yourself until I had to go digging for it.

... But we're not the same. [ It's true enough that she's not fully adjusted. She may never be fully adjusted, may always be truly confounded by what it means to have people like her without wanting anything from her in return. Especially when she is hardly at Elysium's level of caring or of effervescence, of anything truly ebullient. She doesn't choose to involve herself with others until they've forced their way in. ]

If I have to hurt the people around me, I will. If they're going to disregard that warning I gave them, there's nothing else I can do.

… I told you we'd talk later, didn't I? And I reached out to you, too. You can blame me for the sequence of events, but I was never planning on hiding anything from you.

[ Similar to how he's managed to elicit her irritation, there's something akin to frustration in his tone too. From the beginning of the mission all towards the end of it and now, maybe there is just the slightest bit of resentment. Even before his symptoms started worsening, has he had the chance to breathe?

Figuring out what to do with the kidnapped and weaponising his friends' kindness to facilitate what he'd thought was best for the mission; making sure Sampo wouldn't do anything more that he'd regret, showing him that he really wasn't alone, and stopping Siffrin from continuing on with their rampant revenge; the never ending influx of visitors and trying to navigate the warm but suffocating feeling in his chest, that he wonders if he'll ever be able to truly reciprocate; the untimely fate of the villagers' and their circumstances which eerily mirrored his own country's. Then finally, there was Ishmael and Wriothesley, and how he's barely afforded to to be there for her now.

In doing all that he could, he really did end up doing most of them half-heartedly. His head hurts. ]

That's why I used the word 'trying.' I did hurt Siffrin, after all. [ Another sigh, as a hand moves up to brush out sweat-soaked bangs. ] … But we've more than used up our ten minutes. If you want to continue this later, I can let you know when I'm discharged. Or… we can continue it through messages, if that's what you really want.

[ 'Elysium' himself sounds like he's about to shut down, though. ]

[ See, she thinks, not really all that soothed by the vindication of it. In the end, it's as she said. She'll hurt those around her, simply because she is who she is.

Because she's not Carmen, who had always found a way to convey her care. She's not Malkuth, who reaches out. The most she's ever been able to look out for others, in a way outside of protection... were her employees-turned-Assistant Librarians. And that was just in battle.

It's not hard to look at Eysium now and realize that he's at his limit.

Another breath, and then Gebura straightens, looking down at him. She doesn't say anything for a minute, and it seems that will be it, that she'll leave silently.

But for just a few seconds, her hand descends, fingers brushing over his hair in a very brief motion, disheveling him further, before she turns on her heel. ]

Keep me updated when you've recovered.

[ And she leaves. ]

( closed ) life like the unplumbed sea;

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