[CLOSED] The Golden Ratio

[curingidiocy]

WHO: Dr. Ratio + Aventurine
WHAT: Permanent catch all for Ratio and Aventurine's shenanigans
WHERE: Anywhere and everywhere
WHEN: Various
WARNINGS: Patch 2.2 spoilers abound. Suicidal ideation. Now with NSFW. Other content warnings will be listed in starters

Comments

[stonehearts]

( Of course he may. Aventurine's hands curl around Ratio's as he pulls them to his chest, but not before pressing a kiss to the doctor's fingers, one for each hand. The corner of his eyes wrinkle in amusement, matched by the way the corner of his mouth turns up as Ratio allows himself to be vulnerable. He has Aventurine's sympathy -- Aeons know it feels like pulling teeth when you want to do anything but.

But Ratio had been there for Aventurine. He had encouraged him, and while he's not going to be particularly good at encouraging Veritas in that way, there's no reason why he can't be there for Ratio should his doctor let him. )

Lucky for me, Ratio, that I've survived far worse than you could ever throw at me. ( That doesn't mean that he wants to suffer at Ratio's hand, intentional or unintentional. But it does mean that the man shouldn't be worried that Aventurine can't handle whatever it is he needs to share, whatever burden he needs help shouldering. ) I don't need you to be made of stone. In fact, I rather like it when you're fleshy and touchable.

[curingidiocy]

[ His only response is to lower his head, allowing his eyes to be obscured by the tresses of his hair. The frown set on his lips trembles, and then... A tear slides down his face. Two. And more.

Ratio has never considered himself a crier, but that might only be because he's rarely encountered circumstances that would push him far enough to cry. With his failures at home, there was always the next project at hand, ready for him to focus on, a work environment he had enough control over, and then a soothing bath that would allow him to process his emotions and push forth after a short period of kindness to himself.

Here, he is bereft of everything that comforts him. His projects all have difficult roadblocks that are logistical in nature rather than scientific. He has no control over LILITH or his colleagues. He does not have an ideal laboratory to work in, and the knowledge he can gather is lacking. He does not have his alabaster bust, nor does he have access to a bathtub. He's seen the devastation of his mistakes first hand, yet cannot do anything in repentance. He was accused of betraying humanity; the very opposite of his greatest desire. And now his inability to handle his emotions has hurt Aventurine.

It's too much.

So he cries for the first time in decades and allows Aventurine to witness him at his lowest. His shoulders tremble from his quiet sobs as he stands in front of his lover, unable to reach out and seek physical comfort from him. ]

[stonehearts]

( Aventurine has very little practice at comforting someone who's crying. In the past decade or so, it's been tears he's caused and cared little about; no one genuinely distressed would have been so willing to trust Aventurine's charming smile and his carefully crafted words. If it had mattered to them, to anyone, then they'd have not been so quick to attach a price to their desires, the things they loved. Those that cried because Aventurine was simply done with them were still pointless -- he never was anything less than what the people wanted, what they thought they needed, and it was their fault for caring for him when he never made any attempt to be something other than what he was: a tool to be used, and to use in turn.

But he remembers what it's like to be comforted, the warmth of his sister's arms around him, the brush of her hands, and so he focuses on that. On the genuine affection rather than affected empty gestures of it. So he reaches up to cup Ratio's face, brushing some of his tears away from his eyes as he pulls his head down -- forehead to forehead. )

Hey now, Veritas. Just let it all out, okay?

( Aventurine presses his lips to the corner of Ratio's mouth before he wraps his arms around the other man into a hug. It's slightly awkward -- he can't figure out where to put his arms at first -- but he figures it out eventually, pressing his face into Ratio's chest and encouraging him to put his arms around Aventurine in turn. )

[curingidiocy]

[ Ratio clings to Aventurine like a lifeline. His arms curl around the man's torso and he presses his face into the crown of Aventurine's head. Shudders wrack his body even though his sobs are quiet. No whimpers, just gasps and heaving breaths. The embrace is comforting, but it only encourages even more tears to flow out of Ratio's eyes.

It's a jumble—the affection and appreciation he has for Aventurine, to finally have someone he can take refuge in when things become overwhelming; the guilt, shame and remorse he has for hurting him as well as the people of Seoul, the discomfort that's been building up over the loss of control for the past few months, and more—all of it comes out through the tears.

So he keeps clinging like the child he never allowed himself to be, and the tears keep coming and coming. ]

[stonehearts]

( The tears come, and Aventurine holds Ratio through it. He's glad that he can do this, at the very least, offer a shoulder and a warm embrace for the man he loves. So he waits, hands running over Ratio's back and arms as he holds the man tight until he thinks that they have slowed enough for the other man to hold a conversation. )

There we go.

( His voice is fond, and he ducks his head enough to look Ratio in the eyes -- one hand kept around his back while the other cups Ratio's cheek again, thumb brushing through the tears. The corner of his lips are soft, barely turning up in the hint of a smile. But it is not the empty, hollow one he greeted Veritas with earlier. It's fond, affectionate, full of the words he still can't bring himself to say.

But Veritas knows. He has to know, right?

That Ratio's note is what kept him going, that he wouldn't be walking out of Nihility if it wasn't for him. That when he needed it most, it was his words that kept him taking one foot after the other. Do stay alive, I wish you the best of luck. Goddess, if he doesn't--

Well, now's not the time for Aventurine's issues. Instead he refocuses, wiping away more of Ratio's tears. )

[curingidiocy]

[ By this point, his cries have tapered off into quiet hiccups, and he opens his eyes when Aventurine pulls back to look at him. He must look like a mess now, tears, blotchy red skin and everything ugly that comes with crying. Still, Aventurine looks at him softly, and it has him shedding a few more tears as he thinks of how blessed he is to have the gambler by his side.

He hopes Aventurine knows how much the scholar adores him. How much he treasures the man and wishes to be the one to bring him happiness. How much Aventurine brings him comfort.

Smiling is still difficult, so he tilts his head forward to press his forehead against Aventurine's and murmurs, the affection swelling in his heart mixing in with the tears of his sorrow. ]

Thank you, Kakavasha. I love you so dearly.

[ Thank you for dealing with his brusqueness, for forgiving him for his blunders and choosing to stay by his side still. ]

[stonehearts]

( Something in Aventurine's chest tightens at the words, of knowing that Ratio means every single one. Because he never says something he doesn't mean, no matter how caustic or cutting. And in that, Aventurine has always found his words reassuring -- direct and inflexible. Unlike him, because he always twists and turns words into exactly what he needs them to, and Ratio has always managed to cut through that, to demand more from him.

And yet he can't... say the words back. Not because he doesn't feel them, but because he's terrified that if he does the other shoe will finally drop. Ratio will see that there is nothing Aventurine can offer him, something will happen that will take Ratio away from him, that he'll wake up and find that all of this was simply a dream dreamt in his final hours alive.

So they stick in his throat, heavy. But he can't have Veritas thinking that he is unfeeling, that he means less to Aventurine than Aventurine does to him. )

Likewise, Veritas. I-- well-- ( No, he still can't say it. With a sigh, Aventurine presses a chaste kiss to the corner of Ratio's lips. ) Likewise.

[curingidiocy]

[ Still caught up in his own emotions, he does not perceive Aventurine's inner turmoil, though the words ring oddly in his ears. (He'll come back to it much later when attempting to figure out how to soothe the gambler's fears.)

Ratio does not need the words to be reciprocated because he understands Aventurine well enough to know the feeling is. Words are superfluous when action conveys the intent. And Aventurine standing here comforting him despite his blunder hurting the man is all the evidence he needs.

He leans into the kiss, leans into Aventurine and observes his warm presence through touch, rather than sight. The gentle pressure of the gambler's body against his, the arms that wrap around his waist, steadying the scholar. All of it proof of Aventurine's love.

Words cannot describe how it makes him feel. In a louder voice, yet still appropriately soft for what little distance is in between them: ]

...I would like to verbally work my way through the emotions that have settled within me, with your input... if you are amenable to that.

[stonehearts]

( Aventurine cups his face, and moves to pull Ratio down with him as he sits back on the bed. Better to be comfortable, in his opinion, if one must begin pulling out metaphorical shards of glass from one’s heart. )

C’mon, Doc. And of course you can. You don’t even have to ask, and I won’t even charge you for my time.

( It’s a gentle tease, meant to help bring Ratio out of his morose thoughts. )

[curingidiocy]

[ Ratio seats himself next to Aventurine, hands still clinging to his lover in a firm grip. At Aventurine's confirmation, his shoulders release some tension, and a small smile graces his face. ]

Thank you.

[ Now that they are sitting, he takes a moment to wipe his face of the tears streaked all over with a tissue. Thankfully, his lack of eyeliner means there is no streaky mess left all over his face, and he needn't expend part of his subconscious feeling self-conscious.

One he feels appropriately clean, he inhales deeply and sinks into his thoughts, trying to untangle everything that has been swirling around in his mind ever since LILITH handed them the decision. ]

First, I'd like to apologize again for abandoning you. I was accustomed to our previous arrangement as work partners and did not adjust my behaviour to reflect our current relationship. It is customary for me to isolate myself when experiencing emotional distress to provide myself the space needed to process everything. It has... been a very long time since I last experienced any sort of distress to this degree, however.

[ By this point, his hands have settled on his own lap, fidgeting with themselves. Playing with his index fingers like he's holding his chalk. His gaze is pointed downwards but his eyes unfocused as he talks. ]

I did not want to trouble you with my turmoil. Partially because I believed you already bore too much on your shoulders, which was perhaps presumptuous of me, since you have always weathered any and all obstacles thrown at you by the world. Still, I did not want to become yet another obstacle you had to weather. The other reason... I... perhaps I did not want to break my image as someone who appeared stalwart and unbroken in the face of difficult situations. I... did not want to betray any expectations you may have had for me.

[ He pauses here to give Aventurine time to process his words and respond, whatever that response might be. He closes his eyes, bracing himself for the gambler's words, and waits patiently. ]