synflux | ( OPEN ) JUNE CATCH ALL

(The face that stares back at him is not his own.

There's a youthful roundness to his face and his eyes are wide and bright. However, he's begun to grow into his features more and from the looks of it... he can't be older than fifteen. Adachi Sadayasu is, in fact, just a boy.

As soon as he notices, the door will slide open and a woman immediately lets out a good natured but tired sigh before bowing her head,)

"Young master! Here you are... your mother and father are calling for you at the entrance."

(When she looks back up, she raises a brow at "Aki". She looks at the sword and then back at him. Still, it isn't her place to say anything so she simply steps aside for him to leave.

Will he take it with him or leave it behind?)

[ Aki is still putting the pieces together.

Sadayasu... Is that who he is? It seems strange, to put a face to a name when he isn't sure of either of them, but if that is who he has become in this dream, then... The strange, curling jealousy inside of him feels a little odd, selfish in the midst of what he is learning. To be so envious of a young boy... How did Tsurumaru feel about him? What is the bond that the two of them share?

He doesn't know, but perhaps this memory will give him some guidance, some illumination. He can't be certain of where it's going, but the cold chills him all the same.

Turning to look at the woman, he nods his head, holding the blade in his hand. It feels wrong, to leave Tsurumaru behind when these are his memories, so... He clings to it, holding the blade gently as he slips out through the doorway. ]

Thank you. I'll go.

[ Does he even know the way? ]

(When he steps out into the open corridor, he'll see a garden covered in freshly fallen white snow. Typical of gardens in these old houses, it's clearly been designed to create a sort of "perfect image" of the seasons and winter is no exception.

His first breath of air will be cold but despite stepping out into the elements, he'll still feel a warmth around him. It does nothing to cut through the silence, though.

Whether he knows or not, "Aki" will start to walk down the corridor in one direction. It's the direction Sadayasu had walked towards in this memory. It's only natural.

Finally there are sounds: Horses, men and women talking, armor... and he'll find himself at the entrance where a group of men await on horses. At the front of it all is a man whose armor seems to stand out more to him. His face has a resemblance to Sadayasu. Near him, a woman in a heavy, layered kimono also looks back.

His father laughs when he sees him,)

"Eager to come along?" (He looks at the sword in Sadayasu's hands,) "Maybe in the new year. Lord Hojo is about your age."

(His mother beckons him to come closer,)

"Come, say good bye to your father."

[ It feels like Hokkaido.

It's a hard thought to swallow, painful and almost too much, but there's no denying it. Aki only goes back when he visits the family shrine, so his hometown smells like cold winter air to him, the incense burned from inside the main building, the ache of his knee as he bends to pray. This has the same feeling, same sensation, but it's not the same.

There's no ghostly presence of agony and hurt here. Not yet.

Breathing out, he follows along where the memory goes until he sees the man, the woman, a mother and father, and he wonders if this is how it feels to be loved most by your parents. ]

I didn't want to leave him behind.

[ A simple enough explanation. He moves closer to the mother, stands at her side, and offers a proper bow to the father. It feels natural. ]

Be well, father.

(Why wouldn't his parents love him? He is, after all, their only son and heir.

Aki's words seem to sit well enough with his parents. They don't even blink when he refers to his sword as "him." Instead, they turn back to each other. Mother places a hand on Sadayasu's shoulder and sighs to her husband,)

"Must you go? You aren't due back until next month."

"I can't help it. The air is too quiet... I'll feel better once I have checked on the court..."

(Aki can follow along if he wishes. They'll speak of the heir regent, no older than Sadayasu and too young to take the throne. The Adachi and Taira clans are put in charge of managing his affairs. However, the Taira clan has been particularly annoying these days and both parents faces sour at their names. Finally, it's time to leave and the father, Lord Adachi, looks down at his son,)

"Take care of your mother and sisters."

(And he leaves. Mother sighs tiredly,)

"It's so quiet today... I think I might listen to music..."

(She, too, leaves. Aki is left alone at the entrance. With no one around, the tracks in the snow are the only proof that anyone was ever there.

From the corner of his eye, he may catch someone dressed in white turning around a corner, heading back to the garden. Will he follow?)

[ Aki listens, but it isn't what he cares most about.

This is Tsurumaru's memories, trapped in the body of a young man, so where is the person he is looking for? Where is Tsurumaru, beyond the mother and father? It makes him frown, his consciousness focusing on that, because he truly does not care about Sadayasu's parents. He has no connection to either of them, to his mother or father, to his sisters, his heart beating in his chest.

There is one person he wants to see.

Nodding, he allows the others to leave, lets them fade away, and the turns to spot the flash of white.

Of course, he follows. Where else would he go?

The hint of Tsurumaru is enough for him, and he gives chase, rushing after him. ]

(When he rounds the corner, there is no Tsurumaru to be found.

Instead, it's just the same garden Aki had seen on his way to the entrance. However, this time, there are footprints in the snow for him to follow.)

[ There's no hesitation.

Where else is he going to go? His heart is beating rapidly in his chest, and he's gripping at the hilt of the sword with all that he has.

He needs to see him. He needs to understand.

Aki follows, because there is nowhere else he wants to go. ]

(It's cold. It's quiet. There is nothing happening today. The sun in the sky seems higher now and though it is still afternoon, it seems like it may start to set. Of course, it's winter, so that makes sense.

The footprints in the snow begin at a steady pace but as he follows and follows, he'll notice that the prints seem to get faster and faster. Whoever they belonged to had begun to run at some point. The moment the trail begins to pick up... a scream cuts through the air from behind him.

If he looks back, he'll see the estate on fire. If he looks back, he'll see his the familiar kimono of his mother as she lies in the snow. A pool of blood stains the snow, a protective dagger is held in her hand. If he looks back, he'll see an archer taking aim at him... and releasing the arrow right for Sadayasu's chest.)

[ Aki is damned, because he looks back.

He sees the fire, the horror of it all, the rising nightmare come to life, and he begins to understand. The cold of the winter air does nothing to combat the bright heat of flame, the way that the scream whips through him like a violent attack, like something deadly, and his heart stutters in his throat.

He understands, as he sees blood pool, as he sees death come, because he knows death as intimately as he knows himself.

Stepping forward, he goes to see if he can move to her, to chest and see if he is alive, but... It is too late. Just as it's too late to shift out of the way of the arrow, even as his body lurches, trying to jolt aside and doge. It's too late.

He's always too late. ]

(The fire burns, the wood crackles, from inside and out, people scream. They beg for their lives, they call out for loved ones, they yell at each other to run. And then there are the voices that call out orders. Search every room, don't let a single traitor escape, this is all done by order of the throne. This is an extermination. This line will not go on.

The arrow pierces through his heart and for the first time, Aki will feel something keep him on his feet even if there is no one around. A voice whispers in his ear... or maybe it's his own voice in his mind? Regardless, it urges him,)

Run.

(If Aki looks at the snow, he'll notice the tracks he'd been following... had been his own. They had been Sadayasu's. He'll know exactly where to run when the archer readies another arrow and another soldier arrives and yells,)

"There he is!"

(He will know that he has to keep running or he'll die.)

[ Aki doesn't remember dying.

He remembers going to the beach, remembers offering himself to Makima-san in the hope that he could do something to save Denji, remembers the horror of learning about his own death, but nothing could prepare him for this. Nothing could have prepared him for how it feels to get an arrow lodged in him, knowing that his smaller body can't manage to fight off.

He has no contracts here. He has no ability to save himself. He only has one option, doesn't he?

Breathing out a sharp noise, the hiss of run in his ear, he turns, scrambling.

Aki doesn't know where he's going, but the feet in the memory do, twisting and turning to try and escape, as if speed will somehow protect his life. He runs and runs, because he has no other option. ]

(He runs. He runs, leaving a trail of bloody footprint in the snow. His heart beats harder as he runs, pumping more blood, losing more as he tries to escape. He can run all he wants but when is back is turned, he'll hear someone come closer. )

Don't look back.

(The same voice hisses into his mind. Is this his survival instinct?

But Sadayasu is only a boy and he can only run so fast in the snow. Something pierces him in the back-- another arrow, and he'll feel himself slow. It's just enough that when that presence finally catches up to him, he'll feel a heavy slash across his back. It knocks him down into the ground, he'll fall into the snow, unable to keep going.)

Get up!

(Something warm covers his back. Blood.

His chest is warm. More blood.

The snow is cold. Everything is quiet again. The warmth fades and his vision begins to tunnel.)

You'll get cold.

(Maybe that voice isn't really in his head. It sounds like it's coming from outside. From someone else.

As his vision darkens, something white appears in front of him. A man dressed in white, his robes perfectly clean like the the snow had been earlier that day. He must not have been at the attack. He must have just arrived to help. His face twists in anguish as he looks at Aki. He drops down onto his knees without making a sound and reaches out to hold him... but Aki will feel nothing. As his vision finally goes black, he'll hear,)

I'll stay with you. Forever.

(And when Aki opens his eyes again... he will find himself back in the hotel room, Tsurumaru next to him, holding him tight.)

[ Aki wakes up, and he understands.

(Is this how Denji felt?)

Tsurumaru is holding onto him, and he's not brave enough to look down and see if the man is awake just yet, not prepared for what might happen as he awakens from the dream, the memory, the hurt come to life. He can still feel the way his blood trailed down along his skin, can still feel it as the life faded from him, the image of Tsurumaru in front of him as he disappeared into nothingness. He understands, he gets it, and it makes him blink back his own sad, desperate tears.

The jealousy he had felt before is gone, now, as dead as the memory itself. How can he feel any kind of envy, when he understands it for what it is now?

Sadayasu, his master, a young man ripped away from him, blood on the snow. Aki can understand. He can empathise. He has felt that same, curdling loss, that same devastating ache that burns through and makes him want nothing more than to ease and comfort, to do whatever he can to make things better, to ease the hurt that's sure to come.

Aki was broken after his memory. How will Tsurumaru fare?

Leaning down, he draws Tsuru against him, tilting his head to press forehead against forehead. Even if he's asleep, this will surely wake him. Aki breathes out a shaky noise, his lungs rattling as if the cold is still there. ]

Tsuru... I understand now. I'm sorry.

(It's clear from the way that Tsurumaru shifts with Aki that he's awake. His body is too stiff and still for someone who is truly sleeping. It's like he's trying to pretend he's asleep against him.

He holds tight and keeps his face down, not wanting to let his expression betray him now.)

... You deserved a better dream.

(And he sounds sorry for it.)

So did you.

[ Leaning in, Aki can't help himself. He presses a kiss to Tsurumaru's forehead, his cheek, then a soft press of mouth against his lips, one hand, calloused palm, touching his cheek with all the tenderness he can muster. His hair is a soft curtain around them, and his eyes are damp.

He understands. He knows.

Leaning back, just a little, he sighs. ]

... He was the first person to use the sword?

(It's a series of gentle actions, each one bringing up his face up a little more until he can face Aki properly. There's a look in his eyes, something far off and old. It's no secret that he's an old spirit but he's always had an almost childish, menacing energy to him before. Right now, he seems more like his age.

Over a thousand years old and weary.

He shakes his head,)

He passed before he could use me properly.

(He was just a child. Too young.)

Adachi Sadayasu was my first master. (And he blinks quickly. He won't cry. He doesn't cry. But his throat feels tight when he speaks,) My first love.

I thought...

[ Aki pauses.

It seems embarrassing to admit now, something stupid and painful, but maybe it will lighten the mood. Maybe he'll hear that sweet, teasing laughter, the one that makes his heart skip a beat in his chest when he hears it. It could be enough, to see something of a smile back on Tsurumaru's face.

Breathing out, he leans in, their noses brushing. ]

I heard you say it, when you were asleep, and I thought you were in love with him. That you were in love with someone else.

[ Not love, like he does Denji, a warm, platonic affection. In love, in the ways that lovers do. It seems foolish now, given what he had seen, understanding the shape of Adachi Sadayasu. A teenager, too young, surely.

He laughs softly. ]

I was an idiot.

(He doesn't laugh but he does seem caught off guard but it. He leans back and away, expression a mixture of confusion and surprise,)

You heard me?

(When? It's not like they've spent a lot of time together like that and he can only think of...)

That night?

(After his operation?)

I didn't mean to. I was right beside you.

[ And he had chosen to internalise it all rather than discuss it, like an adult.

Aki had grown up too fast, apparently.

Glancing away, sheepish and a little irritated at himself, he frowns. ]

I misunderstood the situation.

And you thought...

(Suddenly, things make sense. The distance, the awkwardness, the way things felt so much worse after the desert. Worse than it should have been.

It all makes him want to sit up properly and he pushes himself away and up, sitting upright next to him,)

... I love him. (Love. In present tense.) I can't forget him.

(Fingers curling into the fabric of the sheets,)

I can go.

(If this is going to be a problem, that is.)

Don't.

[ Aki shakes his head, reaching out for him immediately, hand reaching for his, to link their fingers. ]

Don't you think I understand? You know how things are for me, too, Tsuru. You've seen it.

[ He loves Denji. Denji comes first, and he won't ever forget him, won't ever let him slip away.

He's not in love with him, but he loves him. ]

Why would I demand that you give up on that?

(He's already getting ready to leave when he feels the tug and he stays. He stays and finds himself lacing his fingers with his and he looks down,)

A crane can only have one love.

(Just like the legends and stories say. A crane can only have one love. And... that isn't fair for Aki.)

Tsuru...

[ Aki leans in, hand touching his cheek once more, stroking over the soft shape of his cheekbone. His expression is soft, and he shakes his head.

It hurts, it hurts a little, a sting in his heart. One love, that won't be Aki. But Aki is a dead man, anyway, so...

What's the point of falling in love with a man who is dead, who will be gone sooner than later?

It's greedy of him, to want this, but he can't ignore it. ]

If you want this to end because you don't want to be with me, then that's fine. But if you'd like to stay by my side, even for a little while longer, then don't walk away from me. I don't want to let go of you.

[ He sighs. ]

Even if you don't love me. I'm fine with that.

(He can't help it. He can't help but lean into his hand, eyes closed as he just enjoys his touch on him.)

I don't.

(He doesn't want this to end. He doesn't want it to. Not another ending. He doesn't want another one.)

I want to stay.

(It's all he ever wants. He just wants to stay.)

I don't want to give him up, though.

(When he opens his eyes, they're bright and wet,)

I was supposed to stay with him. He's all alone now. This is all I have left.

(Just his love. He can't give it up.)

( OPEN ) JUNE CATCH ALL

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