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WHO: Pavia and Lucy/Kaede.
WHAT:
WHERE: Brimstone, Apartment 11.
WHEN: Shortly afrer this thread.
WARNINGS: Suicidal ideation, body horror, (possibly) child abuse

[ Pavia isn't good at talking to people. He is naturally contrarian to the point of absurdity. He can talk over people and fixate on certain points of "interest" that he ignores how other people are feeling. However, he also refuses to acknowledge these points about himself.

How can he be bad at talking when he talks so much? How can be he contradictory when every answer a person can choose to give him is what's wrong?

In any case, it seems like there is a lot of worrying going on. Oni Girlie is a person he spoke to first and decided is "all right." She does some pretty fucking stupid things, but he isn't allowed to call her an "idiot" anymore. So it seems like he just will have to deal with saying that she's stupid to her face.

It's why he invited her over to his apartment.

Worrying about being alive or not - what's the point in that? There are fools everywhere in the world that will call you a monster or wish you dead - why make life easy for them by dying? Why make life easy for them by making yourself small for them? Become a wolf and devour them all. A restful sleep awaits after.

He pauses before he starts to laugh. His pep talk sounds good in his head. It sounds so good that he keeps on laughing. The wolves in his shadow briefly let out a short, triumphant howl to indicate their encouragement, their agreement. Pavia laughs harder and walks over to pat the wall. ]

Good boys. Good girls. You're doing good. Rest now... you like my words? You get to hear them again! [ And more laughter follows until he hears a knock at the door. ]

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[ Visiting someone else's apartment here is weird. They all look similar enough, but it lacks the slight familiarity of her own team's housing. Subtle differences, all mostly related to color.

Every step she takes has a bolt of dread shooting through her. He wants to talk about her thoughts? Fine, she'd said. Given his personality, she can't imagine he'll have anything truly comforting to say. Still, Pavia hasn't been dishonest with her. Not in a way she can tell, anyway. Maybe she can humor this for a little while.

Her feet still feel leaden as she knocks on the door to his room. Her nerves strike at the absolute worst times. ]

Alright, open up then.

[ Pavia breathes out a laugh yet again before opening up the door. ]

Hey, Oni Girlie. Come in -- normally, I'd say that you need to be careful not to be eaten by them, but that's a bit of a sore subject for my friends. [ He holds the door open to let her enter. The shadows attempt once more to coil around him as they usually would but puff into smoke instead. The smoke drops until his shadow acts just as a shadow should. ]

There, there... you're doing enough.

[ Just as she thought, the room isn't any different from hers. The layout is a bit different, but nothing too absurd. What is absurd, however, are the smokey wolves, not dogs, that she can spoke before they disappear into his shadow. So he wasn't kidding about them after all. ]

They're not used to strangers, huh.

[ The realization has her expression soften some. She jams her hands into her skirt pockets and fixes him with a curious look. ]

So, you wanted to tell me something.

It's just how they are.

[ Since "they" are Pavia. With people that he's close to, with people that he's unfamiliar with, he will never be used to them.

He flicks his wrist to close the door behind her. ]

Feels weird to stand in the entryway... [ He hums and shuffles toward the nearest chair to sit on instead. ] ... well, you don't need to take a seat, Oni Girlie. [ Pavia scratches the side of his face, laughing to himself, because he is still proud of what he's come up with. ]

Why are you worrying about being alive or not? Why worry if you're a monster or not? Why are you still making life easy for those that want you dead?

[ Not quite what he had started out to say, but it's good to get her opinion on it before he gives his answer. He's told her before that she should be a wolf. She didn't want to be, but maybe, she'll be more willing to listen. ]

[ She doesn't sit. Instead, she leans up against the nearest wall and crosses her arms over her chest. Is it an attempt to seem unaffected? To look tough? A little bit of both, honestly.

Even knowing what they'd be talking about doesn't prepare her for this criticism. She can't help the thoughts that pop into her brain sometimes. They just happen. Sometimes they're destructive. Sometimes they're self-destructive. That's what's "normal" for her. ]

Fleeting thoughts. That's all they are. [ She shrugs her shoulders without unfolding her arms. ] Intrusive, obnoxious...they're why I prefer to be out doing something instead of just being in my room.

I don't get it. Why are they still thoughts at all?

[ Pavia blinks, staring at her in a careful, almost thoughtful way. He opens and closes his mouth; tilting his head before asking: ]

Quick question! Are you a human?

[ The way that she's talking is how humans think. Which is weird. But he has heard from at least one person that in alternate universes humans can use arcanum. Well, some humans can do that back home, too, but they're just borrowing the means than able to cast it themselves. So, it's important to know if she is or isn't human - before he starts his lecture, again. ]

[ She sighs, the sound quiet, and closes her eyes. His questions shouldn't bother her, nor should his inability to grasp why some things weigh so heavy on her mind. If only she could be that free of care, of any worry. ]

My parents were, but I'm not.

[ She opens her eyes to glance upward toward one of her horns before returning her gaze to him. ]

Thought that was obvious.

It is.

[ He quips back. ]

So that is why I'm wondering why you're acting, or trying to act, like one. [ Rubbing one eye with his finger, he continues to stare at her in confusion. He drops his hand to scratch the back of his neck next. ]

I've lived among humans for a long time. Though, it was mostly through mercenary work. There was less human logic in that sort of business so I wasn't boggled down so hard as others. [ He rubs his fingers, looking them over, and chuckles. ]

You're not going to suddenly become a human, so trying to think and worry like one isn't going to get you anywhere. And really where's the fucking fun in that, hm?

[ "You're not going to suddenly become a human"

Why...? Why does that hit her so hard? He might as well have just slapped her for how stunned the statement leaves her. If not for the wall, she might've actually lost her footing for a second.

He makes it sound so easy, and when her experiences have her knowing it's anything but. Trying to be human just earned their ire, and acknowledging what she is only ever led to pain. Loneliness. ]

Don't talk about what I should do when you don't know the situation.

Is it even a situation worth hearing?

[ He digs his index finger in his ear. Tugging on his earlobe, he already misses his earrings and bobbles. Sighing, it'll be awhile before he can get any of that back and well, it might mean more piercings in this place. ]

You're just making life easier for people who want you dead, and for what? They aren't even around to know that you're miserable. What do I need to know about your reasons?

[ The people who want her dead? Hah, that's easy, she thinks. They're all dead now anyway. As far as she's aware. Maybe that self-righteous ass Kurama is still around, but everyone else? Nah. They're definitely gone.

The thought gets her to smile. A small, wicked expression. It only lasts for a moment before she's retreating back into herself. She doesn't have to explain herself, her reasons, or why she feels the way she does. ]

If you give advice without knowing what you're talking about or who you're talking to, you look like a dickhead...dickhead.

I'm not giving you advice. I'm telling you what to do. It's orders, not advice.

[ Pavia waves his hand as he snarls something back at the insult. Normally, his friends might howl or make some noise with him, but it is just him in the dark room.

Clicking his tongue, he holds his hand out: ]

Besides, do you even want to tell me such a story?

[ She doesn't. Her silence says it for her. Lucy doubts she'd get anything out of telling him. ]

You're not really in a position to give me orders, you know.

[ Her fingers dig into her arms where they rest against her. ]

I don't have to listen either.

Then, continue being miserable!

[ Pavia gets up so that he can kick a chair over. He lets it skid across the floor before pausing to stare at it for a second. ]

'ch! [ Walking over, he picks the chair up to drag it back to where he was. Setting it back down in relatively the same spot, he looks it over to make sure it isn't damaged too much before sitting back down. ]

Continue playing human and see how happy you are later. [ He blinks - the white in his eyes turn black as the pale violet his eyes usually are shift to gold. It only lasts for a second before it is over. ]

[ A lot happens in the span of those few seconds. Reflexively, her vectors surround her just in case, but when the only object of his anger is the chair, she still doesn't ease up. It only confuses her more, if anything, and especially with his eyes changing like that ever so briefly.

She doesn't get it. Is he sincerely trying to tell her not to feel bad about herself? His methodology is...interesting. And worrying. ]

Why do you care so much? You don't even know my name.

Do I need to know those things?

[ Pavia barks back.

If he cares about something, he cares about it. He doesn't need to think much further than that - and rarely does. It has been explained to him that arcanists were born with chaotic emotions and don't need to rely on reason or logic so heavily. Thus why coming to this world - when met with insanity - that he can accept it readily once explained.

He pauses - right. Readily explained.

Rubbing his chin, he sits back in his chair. There is an air of anticipation before he opens his mouth - indicating there is going to be a sermon to follow: ]

I think humans are stupid and weak, but I don't hate them. I understand cooperation is needed to live together. Even if they're fucking annoying as hell, sometimes. [ A positive and a negative - he can't speak without giving both. ] A great many that I've dealt with thought of me as an irritant and a punishment to be around, but I consider them fools.

There have been those that tried to kill or harm me. For reasons I don't care to know or waste my time on. [ Pavia shrugs his shoulders. ] I will never understand the way that they think. I won't be able to empathize with their problems and strife, if I like them or not. But who fucking cares?

[ He rubs his fingers, digging his thumb into the tattooed skin. ] I'll still save and work with them while some call me a monster, because I know who I am. Oni Girlie, do you know who you are?

[ Pavia is a wolf. He is a wolf that will not be tamed by others but save them from their own stupidity. He's a beast that will wander and do as he does regardless of reason - or, perhaps, in spite of it. But he lives well and comfortably - and happily. He knows he is no human and lives better for it. ]

[ A life story. It's always a life story. Or it's some parent-child revelation she never asked to hear about. At least this time, it's another nonhuman telling her she shouldn't care and live how the wants. If she'd heard this a decade ago, how would things have turned out?

It's pointless to think about what-ifs, and she knows it. She's here, she's alive despite being so willing to die before, and now? All she can do is keep going forward. To keep struggling as long as her body will still move. ]

I don't. [ She won't lie about it. She can't. She's been running for long that she never got to really stop and develop herself as a person. To be more than just whatever bogeyman humans wanted her to be. Now's a good time to figure all that out, at least.

She has to keep going. To keep those promises she couldn't in that other life. ]

But if you're going to give me a whole lecture every time I have a downer moment to myself, I'm going to keep calling you a dickhead.

How sad.

[ And he sounds sincere about it.

He gives her a sneer at the comment about how he shouldn't give her a lecture when she's having a "downer moment," like talking about wondering why she's alive and how she would like to die is just having the blues. He's an arcanist but he isn't a complete idiot. ]

You need someone to give you a lecture. [ Since she said she tried to be a wolf once. ] You need someone who will be disappointed in you when you get this way. Since you want to act like a human, that should be enough to have you start acting like an oni, right?

I didn't care what those people think of me. Why should I care what you think or call me?

[ At that, she finally laughs. It's a short bark of a sound and her hair falls off her shoulder as she tilts her head to the side. ]

You care enough to lecture me. You care enough to see if I become a wolf or a demon or whatever else and get pissed when I have a moment of weakness. And you get mad when I insult you.

[ Her arms finally uncross, but it's only so she can shrug, shaking her head and all. ]

Doing a pretty bad job convincing me it's none of your concern.

So?!

[ He waves his hand, bringing his fingers together in a universal gesture that she's this close to really pissing him off. Which is his thumb being pressed against the other four fingers. ]

Who cares of what you're convinced of or not! [ Pavia feels like he's losing the thread. He pauses to lean back in his chair, rubbing his thumb over the fingers on his opposite hand instead. ] Quick question! If I cared, would that change anything?

[ Would it change anything? She knows what she wants to say. It comes to her immediately. Kneejerk.

Instead, she opts for the truth. The truth and a very, very tired but honest smile. ]

You'd be one of the few who did. So I'd appreciate it, whatever that's worth.

Fuck.

[ It is the immediate word that comes out - and Pavia looks very uncomfortable at the idea of being honest and vulnerable. His emotional constipation makes it so that he wants to say something nasty first before saying anything kind - or kind then nasty second. ]

Fine, fine. You caught me. I care. It pains me to see you be in skin that isn't yours so I hope you figure out what flesh you're meant to inhabit.

[ Nailed it. ]

[ If she notices his internal struggle, she doesn't comment on it. She wouldn't, not after that. Whatever skin she fashions for herself, she too hopes it'll be more resilient than who's she's been so far. ]

Maybe I will.

[ If anything, his honesty does make her relax considerably. Enough so that she's content to come over to the table and sit down at another chair rather than stand there holding up the wall. ]

So do you have actual food here or...

[ Pavia looks like he is going to snap something out but halts himself. Instead, he sighs and grumbles something in Italian. ]

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