synflux | [closed] we shape our buildings; thereafter, they shape us

[ Wow, calling your best friend a problem? Rude.

But March shoots her a thumbs' up of approval as Malkuth steps out, tilting her head. ]

Shut who up? Kaito?

[ they're married, it's fine. ]

Yeah. He's always got a comment for everything, you know? So... I guess it wouldn't be so bad to leave him without one.

[ might be funny. might be interesting. would be something she could tease him about. swishing her hips a bit... wow... look at it move... ]

Dresses are a lot airier than I thought they'd be...

That's what I like about them! They're really fun and floaty. And flattering, if you pick the right one.

You look so pretty, Mally! [ She's beaming so much. ]

And I bet Kaito at a loss for words would be pretty great to see, actually.

[ does she............ march's face is making her more confident in it at least, and malkuth starts to beam too, reaching for the other hangers. ]

I'll be sure to tell you how it goes. Let me try on the other ones and I'll see what I like best -- in the meantime, can you find a pretty yellow?

[ her fave color... ]

Anything else besides yellow, style-wise?

[ hmmmm. ]

I'm not used to showing my shoulders off, but that can't really be helped. Just go easy on the skin, okay?

I'll do my best! But your shoulders are cute, so I wouldn't worry about it!

[ Easier said than done, but at least she can bring back more yellow prospects. ]

[ cute shoulders.......... looking at herself in the mirror in the meanwhile. does she? she's been trusting march all this time, so why should she stop now. cute shoulders... the blue one is still a top contender, but maybe she can wear a different one each lesson.

in lieu of showing them off one at a time, march is getting pictures on her HUD for malkuth's short-term modeling career!!! the one good thing about no phone to mess up your mirror shots, ]

You're pretty handy for a girl with one arm, Marmar.

[ though she's ending with the third yellow to sit outside the fitting room on a break. it's nice feeling... not the one she's taking for class, but maybe she'll wear it out today. get used to it. brace is being affixed back on anyway. ]

I think... I liked the dress with the little bow on the waist a lot, and the dark blue one with the double shoulder straps was comfortable too. And the stars, of course, but I'm definitely saving that for another time.

Being one arm down isn't enough to thwart me!

[ Well, except in all the ways it can. ]

But I'm glad you found a few you liked! The little bow really brings that dress together. And the more you figure out what you like, the easier it'll be for you to find new outfits!

... You really make me realize just how much I've missed out experiencing in my life.

[ in every life. but it isn't said too sadly, more amused and fond of her friend. ]

But I do have something over you! Wanna hear about my maybe first love?

You've also got your memories. [ March just has Trying Everything. But she blinks, immediately fascinated. ]

Why is that even a question? Of course I wanna hear!!

[ her memories don't mean much if there's so much left out of them...!!! to her. but malkuth knows better than to say something like that to the girl who's building her own from the ground up. ]

First off, it's not a happy tale. It isn't sweet or romantic, and it doesn't end with me getting the guy of my dreams. Okay? It's a terribly sad story about a terribly sad girl and her bad luck in admiring someone who never even bothered to learn her name. Are you prepared for that?

I can't really promise I'll be happy about it, but if that's what happened, it's what happened. It's still learning more about you and the idiot who was absolutely blind, isn't it?

[ Wow she sure said that without faltering. ]

He's not...

[ ... guess that's how it sounds to the outside. ]

We had more important things going on, and... he had someone else in his gaze. I never stood a chance against her, and I didn't fool myself for a second to think that I did. I just wanted to be seen.

[ that would have been enough for her. for elijah. malkuth leans back on those half-benches outside the fitting room and looks up at the ceiling, smile small and uncertain. was it wrong it call it her first maybe love? but what else can you call it? it went beyond the admiration she had for carmen, for those that worked around her... or maybe it was because he was the only one who hadn't looked at her for a second.

was it selfishness? was it something more? would she learn here, in her third life?

... would it happen again? ]

He was... one of the lead researchers in our group to save humanity, back in my first life. Not exactly my boss, but definitely not on the same clearance level as me either. [ now, the fondness comes out. now, the longing tints it. ] Ayin... was a remarkable man, who was always looking forward at something far, far away. So much so that Elijah didn't think it was that unusual he wouldn't remember the people around him that much -- she ended up the same way after all, neglecting everything but her work! Everyone sort of did after things went south, he just had that habit before then too -- I remember our first meeting, I almost forgot to introduce myself in my excitement to greet him, and I lost a report just before I did! I'm sure he didn't think much of me even then.

Still, he was reliable and strong, resilient in a way no one else was... he could handle just about anything without breaking down. His eyes were always ahead, looking past everything... except her. [ ... ] Except Carmen, his counterpart. She was warm and bright, smart and kind, she always had a nice word for everyone who put an effort in -- I liked her a lot too, everyone did! I think everyone still does.

[ well.

except tiphereth, maybe. but that's a different can of worms. not hers to tell. ]

Anyway, Elijah really admired him! It was hard not to, especially since it was thanks to him and Carmen that she was able to see so many colors. Ayin was a pillar of strength after Carmen's passing, and no one worked harder than him to see her will to completion. It was inspiring, and it was sad. I wanted to do everything I could to help out. And maybe... part of me was trying to fill the shoes that Carmen had left behind too, even if they would never fit.

[ ... mm. malkuth looks down at her hands, playing with the loose fabric of her dress. there's such a pain in her chest whenever she thinks about it, the way his golden eyes would look through elijah, in comparison to the way carmen made her feel so seen it was as if she knew her from a different life already. what had he been thinking in those moments of elijah's death? what would malkuth say to him now, if given the chance? what would she ask, with time and space allowing her some breathing room to reflect on those memories and feeling doubt tighten her throat?

she clears it, sighing after. ]

In the end, Elijah tested something on herself she shouldn't have and died a painful death. The person who saw it happen, who she wanted to reach out to and be seen by, turned away. When he looked back, when he finally saw her, it was too late. That sort of... bad ending, that I sort of mentioned before.

[ March settles down beside her, listening to all of this without a word. Because she knows, the most important thing is to let someone say what they want or need to, no matter how long it takes.

And honestly, she needs that time to process it. Again. Every time she starts to think she's understood a chunk of Malkuth's (or Elijah's) life, she realizes it's really only just that. A chunk. There's so much more.

A remarkable, resilient man who stared so far at the future that he never anyone else, except this Carmen person. And Elijah, who respected and admired him. Elijah, who died a painful death, and was still neglected.

Her hand reaches over to clasp Malkuth's, firmly. Her voice is softer, but just as firm. ]

My opinion still stands.

[ So there. ]

It just means... you'll know it for sure here. That if someone doesn't see you here, they don't deserve you.

[ malkuth stares down at their hands, heart squeezing at the soft, firmness of march's words. ]

... Like I said, there was... more important things going on, so... I don't blame him or anything like that.

[ she doesn't. right? she doesn't. elijah was the same way: focused on one person, perhaps ignoring another who had been right beside her. but malkuth can't imagine anyone would have been interested in her back then, candle of a person that she was--

no, that's doing a disservice to elijah, to herself, and she knows march would berate her for even thinking so. still, still, the thought lingers, and she turns her hand to clasp her friend's. ]

I'll just become someone they can't ignore, if nothing else. How's that?

Nope.

[ She says that instantly, tapping a light cadence against Malkuth's fingers with her own. It's a start, but at the same time, it isn't good enough. Because-- ]

You're already that someone. I'd put money on it.

You've got no basis for that, March!

[ but it's said with a laugh, leaning against her. ]

Thanks for thinking so. It'll be nice if it's true, but I don't really feel like I'm someone they can't pass over just yet. I'm in the middle of building myself still.

[ who she is, who she wants to be. a building so colorful it can't be ignored, won't be forgotten. a wish for herself too. ]

I do too, it's how I feel!

[ Huffily. Of course. ]

Though I know it matters the most that it's how you feel about it, so if you need to keep going until you believe it, that's fine.

[ of course. march's sincere confidence is always so, so nice, and at the same time there's a part of her that feels like she's fooled the other into thinking more of her than there really is. a small part, but a part nonetheless. ]

I just don't really have any proof of concept.

[ but maybe it's something that only an outside party could see. ]

Any updates in your lovelife? Memories or otherwise.

Updates...? Well, I couldn't tell you if I've ever had anything as dramatic as a first love... there were some really good-looking people back on the planets I've been to, but nothing that really made my heart go crazy.

[ She says this almost apologetically. ]

And it's not like anyone's touching my fa...

...

[ Oh. Actually, her expression clouds over slightly. ]

[ ...

oh, she's locked in now. ]

Marmar...~

[ Her shoulders are just slumping. If anything, it's more of a miserable frown now. ]

It really isn't what you're thinking.

[ oh no... let her wrap her arms around you march. ]

What happened?

[ Great question. ]

I tried to stop Izou from really taking it out on one of the captives and it... led into him saying I've been treating him like a charity case. And he told me to get out of his sight.

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gentle lobco spoilers since i said i'd remember to tag them this time

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