The decision has been made. LILITH Japan orders the Outsiders to mobilize to pursue the Imugi.
Given that they are in a foreign country, they are largely dependent on LILITH Koreaβs resources. In response to the decision, the Korean branch provides some assistance: the Outsiders are given just enough vehicles to help transport them, essential supplies, and only a few operatives to help guide them. This is the most the Korean branch is able to give, as they must focus on relocating people and restoring peace following the attack.
LILITH announces that the Imugi is currently resting near Gangneung on the east coast and they must move quickly. The effects of Rift poisoning will grow stronger as they approach the source; a sign that they are close to a kaiju. Upon reaching the mountains just outside the city, LILITH informs them that they are right on top of its location.
However, there is no Imugi to be found. After searching the area, Outsiders will discover the source of the trace and the poisoning: eggs. They will find about twelve eggs. When they report their findings, Seokdang will curse. In their rush, they had followed the wrong trace. They didnβt track down an injured and resting Imugi—they tracked down the Imugiβs nest. So where is the Imugi?
Not long after, Outsiders will receive an update on their implants: the Imugi reappeared in Seoul. After seeing the corpse of its mate, it went berserk and attacked the city again. While many of the citizens were evacuated to nearby Incheon and remaining shelters, just as many perished, with the death toll at 168,000 and rising. LILITHβs Korean base is destroyed.
The Imugi was last seen flying north, but the Korean government prohibits the Outsiders from pursuing it again through their territory. By choosing to pursue the kaiju, the Outsiders have abandoned humanity and thus will receive no further support. They are ordered to leave the country immediately.
LILITH Japan will order them to collect as many eggs as possible and continue to the abandoned city of Gangneung, where they will arrange pick up and return to base in Tokyo.
βΆ AFTERWORD.
Thanks everyone for participating in our first major Event Decision! We hope you had fun discussing what to do both ICly and OOCly.
After failing to capture the second Imugi and also failing to save a large portion of Seoul's population, characters will be shipped back to Japan. The events of the TDM will springboard from there. Feel free to use this post to thread out any aftermath threads if you would like.
All tags on this log are worth 2 points and will count towards August AC.
[As it's been a few days, Raidou is now answering his door. Being unable to face his fellow Outsiders feels cowardly. They're in this together, even if he has no idea what to say or do for anyone. In the best of times, he has a hard time with words and expressions of emotion. The best he can manage are reserved for those he's closest with.
Thankfully, one of those people is currently knocking in his door.
It takes a few moments before it's answered, a crack at first to see who is there. Once he sees who it is, Raidou opens the door more, relieved to see his friend.
[What to say. What can they say? There's now division among them, those who wanted to stay having to go, those who wanted to go now bearing the brunt of responsibility for the disaster. Can they even trust each other's intuitions anymore? They're in this together, but never before have they been given a decision to make between themselves. Never before were lines drawn in their own company to this magnitude. What can they say to each other? Right. Wrong. Present. Past. Future.
Katsuki's never wanted people to see him at his low times. When he's hurting, when he's lost, when he's failed. Vulnerable means weakness, weakness can't win. Admitting that is painful every time. He deals with it on his own, resolves it himself, so others don't have to see him in a state that would make them doubt him.
... but there are some people he's grown to trust enough to see him. People he realizes he can't abandon, not just because they might need him... but because as he hangs onto the weight of this guilt and agony, he needs them. It's too much. It's too hard. The hero's eyes aren't what they usually are when Raidou opens the door. Half hidden under the heavy shadow of his bangs, barely keeping the hardened anger and pride he's so known for. No sparks, no glares, only narrowed and downcast. He wanted to appear as strong as ever in front of him. Never wanted Raidou to see him like this. But...]
Don't.
[Don't talk. Don't speak. Don't try to say something neither of them need to try and say. Seeing Raidou seems to pull a clog somewhere and Katsuki leans against the doorframe, throat visibly tightening under a swallow. Just... let him stay here for a while.]
[It's unusual, to see Katsuki in such a way. How many times has it been Raidou getting that pep talk, a shoulder to lean on? It's not words that are needed now, but that comfort his friend has provided to him so many times.
There's no pretending things are fine, and seeing Katsuki in such a state when he answers the door. It breaks something in him, too, jaw tightened up on seeing him struggle.
He won't just stand there. A gentle hand take him by the shoulder, grief still tugging at the corners of his attempt to keep a neutral expression.]
Come in. Sit down.
[Quiet, just above a whisper. As empathetic as Raidou is able to make his words.]
[Everything feels tumultuous, tossed around in waves of unease and bitterness. He wants to be strong, wants to accept the decision with what happened, but each time he thinks on it, guilt clutches at his chest and swallowing becomes a struggle.
Talking about it? He's not ready to do that right now. Admitting the mistakes he made even if he's already accepted the reality of the outcome. What would rejecting it do? None of those people are coming back. And the blame lies on them... Those who made that decision.
Muscles cable beneath his shirt as Raidou takes his shoulder, everything tight and worn as he steps into the room. There's no attempt to look around, to see what his friend's done in here to decorate. No snappy comeback about giving him orders. Only to silent walk to the bed. It looks more like Katsuki's legs give out and dump him on the edge of the mattress than deciding to sit down. Elbows on his knees, arms folded over, head down, defeated, exhausted, lost.]
[Like a ghost, Raidou slips around beside him, unobtrusive as ever. He sits down next to him silently.
His feelings mirror Katsuki's in every way. He chose to chase, they were wrong, and the cost was unfathomable. Failure in Seoul, failure in las Vegas, failure back in the Capital. Too much had been placed on Raidou's shoulders, and he finally buckled from the pressure. To be told they "abandoned humanity" was salt in the open wound.
Even on a good day, Raidou doesn't often have a lot of words. Especially not when it comes to his emotions. In time, he might be able to find them, even if it means writing something down. But for now, nothing comes. Nothing can be said to make any of this better.
But it's times like this where Raidou struggles the most with his stoic nature, wishing he could let something out. A scream, a tear, anything. It never comes. Nature or nurture, whatever the cause, this is the way he is.
Katsuki has been there for him, and he wants to do the same. After sitting down softly next to him, is lean against him, shoulder to shoulder, so Katsuki can do the same. It's all he can do right now, besides listen, if his friend ever wishes to talk.]
[Even now, his mind tries to prove why he wasn't wrong, why they weren't wrong. The data they had, the information, the risk, all of it pointed to the best choice being pursuit. Eliminate the threat before it came back. And it DID come back, just as they rationalized-- proving the entire reason why they went after it --only they weren't there because someone else gave them wrong data! Yet no matter how many times he thinks it over, it doesn't change the weight on his shoulders or the drop in his gut.
They failed. They won the battle, but failed to win the war in Seoul. They failed the battle in Vegas, but won the war. Though in the gloom of the current moment, Katsuki remembers the destruction that battle wrought on the city, once again tearing into him over the severity of not taking the worm out before. When it was away from people. How the hell are they not supposed to buckle from these losses? Part of him remains bitter, spitefully wanting to show them exactly what "abandonment" really means. But his heart refuses to betray what it means to be a hero. Even if the path is painful and hard right now.
Katsuki knows Raidou's not good with expressing his emotions, and both of them know it's not easy for Katsuki either. Minus his usual aggressive personality. Showing someone he's hurting, revealing his vulnerability... Raidou's silence is better right now. It leaves Katsuki free to wrestle with his mind, but not alone and lost in his own misery.
A shoulder bumps against his own and Katsuki feels himself give slightly. Heat bubbles under his lower lid, burning his eyes as they scrunch in desperate attempt to keep everything inside. Before closing them completely, tight and hot as the tears come. Frustration, sorrow, anger, hurt, homesick, worry, Leaning against Raidou, those gates break open in the silent comfort of his friend. He's not alone, he's not lost.
Someone like Raidou would understand more than most just what kind of feelings course through right now. Given a responsibility to keep others safe, knowing their lives are in your hands if you don't. They were trusted to be heroes.
[He wants to remain as a rock, steadfast and unmoved, but it's nearly impossible in the face of his friend breaking apart. Raidou's breath simply quickens, breathing from his nose as he keeps it together. But, he gently reaches behind them with an arm to guide Katsuki's head to his shoulder, softly resting his own head against his.]
Go ahead. It's okay.
[It's okay to let it out, here in the safety of his room. With Raidou, a vault who will keep those feeling secure. His own eyes are squeezed shut, his other hand a tight fist on his lap. The only way his emotions ever leak out is with anger, often in the fury of battle when the heat of things carry him away. He doesn't want that to be the only thing he can ever express to those he cares about. For now, he will settle for doing the best he can, which is be a shoulder to lean on when things are their worst.]
[Why the hell is it someone else who always makes him break? When he couldn't stand it any longer and dragged Midoriya out at night to confront him, breaking down over his guilt and frustration in front of the only person he could bear to see him like that. Raidou's presence runs similar to that, cracking through the iron bars usually barricading Katsuki's emotions. He doesn't need anyone's damn permission! ... And yet, without it ...
He turns his head and presses against Raidou's shoulder, a muffled curse breaking into the material of his shirt. No longer shouting like he had in the abandoned Korean city, but the pain and rawness in his voice right now suggests there's still some left. Heat soon bleeds through the other boy's shirt, seething breaths shuddering through Katsuki's shoulders. Frustration, sorrow, rage, all those emotions gutting out at once. Raidou's strong, he can handle this.]
[He certainly doesn't feel strong, not since arriving in Neo Tokyo. That doesn't mean he's not still trying to be the strongest he can be. Even in the face of overwhelming tragedy, they're still here. They have to keep going. Being weak now will solve nothing.
There's nothing weak about feeling the grief and survivor's guilt that comes with what happened in Seoul. They're still human, they're kids, no matter how much either of them would loathe to be called that. The scale of this is like nothing most of the Outsiders have experienced before.
Slowly, deliberately, Raidou shifts to face his friend, one hand on the back of his head to keep its place on his shoulder, the other on his back to draw him close. An embrace like this isn't easy for him, but Katsuki is a friend, a close, trusted one like he's never had before. He can hold out like this for as long as Katsuki needs.
He wants to be strong, but when he speaks up, his voice is distant and weak.]
I don't know how. But we have to keep going. For their sakes.
[How Raidou feels doesn't much affect how Katsuki views him. He's seen his friend struggle with his placement in battle, fight against the inherent weakness of his half-assed kidnapping, and still rise to the occasion each time. Raidou doesn't give up, even when he steps back to reevaluate or assist in other areas. It's that determination that means he's strong.
It's why Katsuki can come to him right now, bitter and struggling. He hates it when people call him a "kid" or think he's less due to his age, but right now, the overwhelming burden presses hard on him, reminding him too painfully of his youth. Would All Might have made the right choice? Endeavor? Best Jeanist? The Pro Heroes who have been at this far longer than him...
Katsuki tightens his hand over his forearm when he feels Raidou shift, not sure if he's leaving or just moving position. The hand on his head stays where it is, caressing and comforting, not forcing him to pull back from the way he's pressing his face into his shoulder. But it's when Raidou pull him in close like that... Katsuki lets go of his arm and wraps it around the other boy's middle, fingers digging into his shirt as he grits against the waves of anger and sorrow.
It doesn't matter if Raidou's voice is weak and distant... it's right there next to him, and Katsuki holds onto it.]
[He won't let go of him. Not until Katsuki's ready. His own emotions roil under the surface, hinted at my the hard swallow before he speaks, the ragged and exhausted voice that follows.]
I'm sorry I didn't come by to check on you. I just... I couldn't. Talk to anyone. See anyone. I couldn't.
[Raidou still isn't sure how he's supposed to do those things, but he knows he has to. There are still people that need them. There will be more kaiju, no matter how long they spend mired in grief.]
We all need some time. To figure this out. How to deal with it.
[A deep breath, to pull himself together.]
No matter what LILITH may do to us, we still all have each other.
[It's painful to hear Raidou talk like this, the drag at his voice thick with emotions that have no other way out. Yet it's a guilty relief to know the summoner does have those emotions, even if they're buried and restricted.]
Don't... [Again, the only thing he says. But he can't tell him not to apologize. Even if he doesn't want Raidou to feel guilty over it, he can't diminish his feelings either. Taking a few more seconds, he forces himself to talk through the harder breaths and embarrassing sniffs. Shit, he never wanted Raidou to see him like this.] It's fine... I didn't... I didn't want to talk either.
[He took this long to come see Raidou as well. Thus there was nothing to apologize for, otherwise it'd turn into a "battle" of who didn't get there first.
The question on every mind is what to do from here. Where to go, how to act, what's the next step, should they bother? Most of them know what they should do, but it crashes so hard with what they want. Or don't want. Hearing Raidou put those thoughts into words breaks through some of the whirling grief and anger, like a ring tossed into water. Solid. Graspable.]
I don't want to. [It hurts to say that. Katsuki has never given up on being a hero. No matter what. And yet, right now, continuing feels like a foolish quest.] We did what we were supposed to do. Why the fuck is that wrong?
Part of me doesn't want to either. [It's very difficult to admit, but when it first happened, when they first got back to Tokyo, Raidou wanted to give up all together. It all seemed so pointless. But when he speaks again, there's the slightest ironic bent in his tone.]
But we're going to. We're going to get up, and do it again. Because we're heroes. It's what we do. That's what you always tell me.
[Though, by that last sentence, there is warmth in it. As much as it would be easier to give up, he knows neither of them won't, no matter how hopeless it seems. They can't. They'll go til either they win or the kaiju wins. It's in their nature.]
We made decisions based on what was presented to us. We were wrong. LILITH was wrong. There's nothing that will fix it. We have to find a way to live with it.
[He lets out a shuddered breath, the hand on Katsuki 's back tightening a bit.]
[He's disappointed in himself for feeling relief to hear Raidou say that. Knowing he's not the only one who's been so injured by the failure, giving up actually slotted itself in as a grumpy choice for once in his life. Spiteful giving up, not because he was weak, but because it was pointless to continue forward. As perfect as Katsuki likes to pretend he is, he's made mistakes before, he's been wrong before, but this time...
Damn, Raidou's hitting him in all the right places tonight. From answering the bitterness to pointing out the truth both of them know shines bright in their hearts. He tightens his fingers on Raidou's shoulder, teeth gritting with the kind words that swarm across his chest. Because we're heroes. It's what we do. So many times he's said that to others, to himself, a reminder of his own belief and the core tenant of what makes a hero.
That's right. A hero only really loses when he gives up. No one else can choose for Katsuki whether he's lost or not. His resolve shakes still, but the cracks are closing up again, refusing with the same heat that's always burned inside him. Raidou's warmth provides the current.]
Aa. We'll win. We have to. That's what heroes do.
[It's not as hard to say those words now. Even if there's a hollow echo to them in the face of their failure, they're not dead. Moving forward, saving more, that's atonement for the lives lost. As Raidou said, they decide based on the information given to them. They weren't wrong. They're not stupid. The Outsiders chose based on what was most logical to succeed.
He exhales hard against Raidou's chest.] We already know how to live with it.
[It's been three days and none of them are dead. They've chosen to live, even with the pain.]
[They'll win or die trying. That's what it comes down to.]
I want to help. But I don't want to make mistakes that cause such tragedy. I...
[Fighting makes him feel weak. Staying out makes him feel like a coward. When he fights with everything he's got, he gets told he's being too reckless. He doesn't know how to reconcile all of this, and it tears him up inside.]
I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know what's right to do. But as long as I keep helping people... if I know anything, it's helping is wrong answer.
[He leans his head against Katsuki's, tired. A bone-deep, soul wrenching exhaustion that started right before he arrived in Neo Tokyo.]
[He has no intention of dying. LILITH brought them here to win, and fuck if he's going to do anything less than complete eradication of the kaiju threat before he's satisfied!]
You didn't-- We didn't make any fucking mistake. If we hadn't gone after that bastard, it would've returned after we left and destroyed everything we saved. [Leaving them in the same predicament, from another angle. "Abandoning" the city to their repairs, too far away when the second attack came without warning. The only mistake that was made was LILITH fucking up the tracking.
Katsuki's aware of the two-fold feelings inside the other boy, having seen him staying away from the worm-zombified prey in Vegas until the blonde forced him into the battle. Getting his arm dislocated against the dragon likely didn't help, but his blade struck several times, drew blood, and pissed the dragon off enough to make it strike out at him. That's the same level of success all of them had. Ants swarming a beast and killing it by a thousand cuts. He would never say Raidou's weak.]
You already said what's right. [He finally finds the strength to move his arm and wrap it around his friend's shoulders, this time drawing Raidou close into an embrace. Head turning to the side, mouth resting close to the summoner's neck.]
We're here to help people. [They're only human (most of them), and even if this mistake was a tragedy... the other possible results weren't pleasant either. Not with the Busan team failing to kill the second dragon.]
Aa. [Living one day at a time. Learning from their mistakes.] Raidou... thanks... for fighting with me.
[Katsuki probably can't see the small smile on Raidou, but he can hear it when it speaks up.]
And thank you. For always having my back.
[He really doesn't know what he'd do here, how he'd have made it this far without Katskui and Yuji. Raidou feels lucky to have so many good friends here, but the two of them have been able to help life him back to his feet and keep him fighting when he's felt at his worst. He wants to be able to do the same for them.
Having others to rely on is a blessing and a curse, but in times like this, Raidou is so glad for it.]
[It's audible. The light in his voice brings a gentle relief to Katsuki's chest again. Raidou's not down and out. He's still here, breathing, alive, ready, even amid the pain. A man who can smile again.]
You've had mine. And you've never given up.
[Katsuki's proud of him for that most of all. He wants to do more to help Raidou, but beyond training and working with him on his skills and new tech, what's left is encouraging and supporting. Yet so many times, the other boy's helped Katsuki as well. In battle and out. He came here not wanting to make friends, and now he's sitting beside one of his best friends in this world.
Clasping his hand and letting him help him back to his feet. So many times Katsuki's had trouble accepting help, offered or needed. But every now and then, he has to face reality.]
Aa. Together.
[That's something heroes do too. Working together to do things they wouldn't have otherwise alone.]
I almost did. I wanted to. But if I did, what would I have left?
[His conscience would never let him sit out forever. Watching his Outsider colleagues put their lives on the line while he did nothing would kill him worse than trying and failing.]
Of course. It's probably better we don't keep staying alone, huh.
[Holing up in their rooms is the easy way out. Maybe Raidou can get some sleep knowing someone is there.]
If you ever find out, I hope it's for a positive reason.
[Retiring from the summoner life. Deciding to step back and live with someone more important than the duty. Personal happiness during peaceful times. Something that would permit him to "give up" without the burden of a conscience telling him he did something wrong. All duty comes to an end eventually.
In the meantime, they can have all the "almost" they want, so long as they don't have a single "did it" to their name.]
Yeah. [He needs to be alone for a while, to parse through things his own way. But eventually... with someone he's close to... he'll spend some time with them.] I'll tape your face shut if you snore.
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synflux2024-08-22 04:03 am
no subject
Thankfully, one of those people is currently knocking in his door.
It takes a few moments before it's answered, a crack at first to see who is there. Once he sees who it is, Raidou opens the door more, relieved to see his friend.
He still doesn't know what to say.]
... Hey.
no subject
Katsuki's never wanted people to see him at his low times. When he's hurting, when he's lost, when he's failed. Vulnerable means weakness, weakness can't win. Admitting that is painful every time. He deals with it on his own, resolves it himself, so others don't have to see him in a state that would make them doubt him.
... but there are some people he's grown to trust enough to see him. People he realizes he can't abandon, not just because they might need him... but because as he hangs onto the weight of this guilt and agony, he needs them. It's too much. It's too hard. The hero's eyes aren't what they usually are when Raidou opens the door. Half hidden under the heavy shadow of his bangs, barely keeping the hardened anger and pride he's so known for. No sparks, no glares, only narrowed and downcast. He wanted to appear as strong as ever in front of him. Never wanted Raidou to see him like this. But...]
Don't.
[Don't talk. Don't speak. Don't try to say something neither of them need to try and say. Seeing Raidou seems to pull a clog somewhere and Katsuki leans against the doorframe, throat visibly tightening under a swallow. Just... let him stay here for a while.]
no subject
There's no pretending things are fine, and seeing Katsuki in such a state when he answers the door. It breaks something in him, too, jaw tightened up on seeing him struggle.
He won't just stand there. A gentle hand take him by the shoulder, grief still tugging at the corners of his attempt to keep a neutral expression.]
Come in. Sit down.
[Quiet, just above a whisper. As empathetic as Raidou is able to make his words.]
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Talking about it? He's not ready to do that right now. Admitting the mistakes he made even if he's already accepted the reality of the outcome. What would rejecting it do? None of those people are coming back. And the blame lies on them... Those who made that decision.
Muscles cable beneath his shirt as Raidou takes his shoulder, everything tight and worn as he steps into the room. There's no attempt to look around, to see what his friend's done in here to decorate. No snappy comeback about giving him orders. Only to silent walk to the bed. It looks more like Katsuki's legs give out and dump him on the edge of the mattress than deciding to sit down. Elbows on his knees, arms folded over, head down, defeated, exhausted, lost.]
no subject
His feelings mirror Katsuki's in every way. He chose to chase, they were wrong, and the cost was unfathomable. Failure in Seoul, failure in las Vegas, failure back in the Capital. Too much had been placed on Raidou's shoulders, and he finally buckled from the pressure. To be told they "abandoned humanity" was salt in the open wound.
Even on a good day, Raidou doesn't often have a lot of words. Especially not when it comes to his emotions. In time, he might be able to find them, even if it means writing something down. But for now, nothing comes. Nothing can be said to make any of this better.
But it's times like this where Raidou struggles the most with his stoic nature, wishing he could let something out. A scream, a tear, anything. It never comes. Nature or nurture, whatever the cause, this is the way he is.
Katsuki has been there for him, and he wants to do the same. After sitting down softly next to him, is lean against him, shoulder to shoulder, so Katsuki can do the same. It's all he can do right now, besides listen, if his friend ever wishes to talk.]
no subject
They failed. They won the battle, but failed to win the war in Seoul. They failed the battle in Vegas, but won the war. Though in the gloom of the current moment, Katsuki remembers the destruction that battle wrought on the city, once again tearing into him over the severity of not taking the worm out before. When it was away from people. How the hell are they not supposed to buckle from these losses? Part of him remains bitter, spitefully wanting to show them exactly what "abandonment" really means. But his heart refuses to betray what it means to be a hero. Even if the path is painful and hard right now.
Katsuki knows Raidou's not good with expressing his emotions, and both of them know it's not easy for Katsuki either. Minus his usual aggressive personality. Showing someone he's hurting, revealing his vulnerability... Raidou's silence is better right now. It leaves Katsuki free to wrestle with his mind, but not alone and lost in his own misery.
A shoulder bumps against his own and Katsuki feels himself give slightly. Heat bubbles under his lower lid, burning his eyes as they scrunch in desperate attempt to keep everything inside. Before closing them completely, tight and hot as the tears come. Frustration, sorrow, anger, hurt, homesick, worry, Leaning against Raidou, those gates break open in the silent comfort of his friend. He's not alone, he's not lost.
Someone like Raidou would understand more than most just what kind of feelings course through right now. Given a responsibility to keep others safe, knowing their lives are in your hands if you don't. They were trusted to be heroes.
And they failed.]
no subject
Go ahead. It's okay.
[It's okay to let it out, here in the safety of his room. With Raidou, a vault who will keep those feeling secure. His own eyes are squeezed shut, his other hand a tight fist on his lap. The only way his emotions ever leak out is with anger, often in the fury of battle when the heat of things carry him away. He doesn't want that to be the only thing he can ever express to those he cares about. For now, he will settle for doing the best he can, which is be a shoulder to lean on when things are their worst.]
no subject
He turns his head and presses against Raidou's shoulder, a muffled curse breaking into the material of his shirt. No longer shouting like he had in the abandoned Korean city, but the pain and rawness in his voice right now suggests there's still some left. Heat soon bleeds through the other boy's shirt, seething breaths shuddering through Katsuki's shoulders. Frustration, sorrow, rage, all those emotions gutting out at once. Raidou's strong, he can handle this.]
no subject
There's nothing weak about feeling the grief and survivor's guilt that comes with what happened in Seoul. They're still human, they're kids, no matter how much either of them would loathe to be called that. The scale of this is like nothing most of the Outsiders have experienced before.
Slowly, deliberately, Raidou shifts to face his friend, one hand on the back of his head to keep its place on his shoulder, the other on his back to draw him close. An embrace like this isn't easy for him, but Katsuki is a friend, a close, trusted one like he's never had before. He can hold out like this for as long as Katsuki needs.
He wants to be strong, but when he speaks up, his voice is distant and weak.]
I don't know how. But we have to keep going. For their sakes.
no subject
It's why Katsuki can come to him right now, bitter and struggling. He hates it when people call him a "kid" or think he's less due to his age, but right now, the overwhelming burden presses hard on him, reminding him too painfully of his youth. Would All Might have made the right choice? Endeavor? Best Jeanist? The Pro Heroes who have been at this far longer than him...
Katsuki tightens his hand over his forearm when he feels Raidou shift, not sure if he's leaving or just moving position. The hand on his head stays where it is, caressing and comforting, not forcing him to pull back from the way he's pressing his face into his shoulder. But it's when Raidou pull him in close like that... Katsuki lets go of his arm and wraps it around the other boy's middle, fingers digging into his shirt as he grits against the waves of anger and sorrow.
It doesn't matter if Raidou's voice is weak and distant... it's right there next to him, and Katsuki holds onto it.]
no subject
I'm sorry I didn't come by to check on you. I just... I couldn't. Talk to anyone. See anyone. I couldn't.
[Raidou still isn't sure how he's supposed to do those things, but he knows he has to. There are still people that need them. There will be more kaiju, no matter how long they spend mired in grief.]
We all need some time. To figure this out. How to deal with it.
[A deep breath, to pull himself together.]
No matter what LILITH may do to us, we still all have each other.
no subject
Don't... [Again, the only thing he says. But he can't tell him not to apologize. Even if he doesn't want Raidou to feel guilty over it, he can't diminish his feelings either. Taking a few more seconds, he forces himself to talk through the harder breaths and embarrassing sniffs. Shit, he never wanted Raidou to see him like this.] It's fine... I didn't... I didn't want to talk either.
[He took this long to come see Raidou as well. Thus there was nothing to apologize for, otherwise it'd turn into a "battle" of who didn't get there first.
The question on every mind is what to do from here. Where to go, how to act, what's the next step, should they bother? Most of them know what they should do, but it crashes so hard with what they want. Or don't want. Hearing Raidou put those thoughts into words breaks through some of the whirling grief and anger, like a ring tossed into water. Solid. Graspable.]
I don't want to. [It hurts to say that. Katsuki has never given up on being a hero. No matter what. And yet, right now, continuing feels like a foolish quest.] We did what we were supposed to do. Why the fuck is that wrong?
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But we're going to. We're going to get up, and do it again. Because we're heroes. It's what we do. That's what you always tell me.
[Though, by that last sentence, there is warmth in it. As much as it would be easier to give up, he knows neither of them won't, no matter how hopeless it seems. They can't. They'll go til either they win or the kaiju wins. It's in their nature.]
We made decisions based on what was presented to us. We were wrong. LILITH was wrong. There's nothing that will fix it. We have to find a way to live with it.
[He lets out a shuddered breath, the hand on Katsuki 's back tightening a bit.]
I just don't know how to do that yet.
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Damn, Raidou's hitting him in all the right places tonight. From answering the bitterness to pointing out the truth both of them know shines bright in their hearts. He tightens his fingers on Raidou's shoulder, teeth gritting with the kind words that swarm across his chest. Because we're heroes. It's what we do. So many times he's said that to others, to himself, a reminder of his own belief and the core tenant of what makes a hero.
That's right. A hero only really loses when he gives up. No one else can choose for Katsuki whether he's lost or not. His resolve shakes still, but the cracks are closing up again, refusing with the same heat that's always burned inside him. Raidou's warmth provides the current.]
Aa. We'll win. We have to. That's what heroes do.
[It's not as hard to say those words now. Even if there's a hollow echo to them in the face of their failure, they're not dead. Moving forward, saving more, that's atonement for the lives lost. As Raidou said, they decide based on the information given to them. They weren't wrong. They're not stupid. The Outsiders chose based on what was most logical to succeed.
He exhales hard against Raidou's chest.] We already know how to live with it.
[It's been three days and none of them are dead. They've chosen to live, even with the pain.]
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[They'll win or die trying. That's what it comes down to.]
I want to help. But I don't want to make mistakes that cause such tragedy. I...
[Fighting makes him feel weak. Staying out makes him feel like a coward. When he fights with everything he's got, he gets told he's being too reckless. He doesn't know how to reconcile all of this, and it tears him up inside.]
I don't know. I don't know if I ever will know what's right to do. But as long as I keep helping people... if I know anything, it's helping is wrong answer.
[He leans his head against Katsuki's, tired. A bone-deep, soul wrenching exhaustion that started right before he arrived in Neo Tokyo.]
I suppose we do. One day at a time, as they say.
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You didn't-- We didn't make any fucking mistake. If we hadn't gone after that bastard, it would've returned after we left and destroyed everything we saved. [Leaving them in the same predicament, from another angle. "Abandoning" the city to their repairs, too far away when the second attack came without warning. The only mistake that was made was LILITH fucking up the tracking.
Katsuki's aware of the two-fold feelings inside the other boy, having seen him staying away from the worm-zombified prey in Vegas until the blonde forced him into the battle. Getting his arm dislocated against the dragon likely didn't help, but his blade struck several times, drew blood, and pissed the dragon off enough to make it strike out at him. That's the same level of success all of them had. Ants swarming a beast and killing it by a thousand cuts. He would never say Raidou's weak.]
You already said what's right. [He finally finds the strength to move his arm and wrap it around his friend's shoulders, this time drawing Raidou close into an embrace. Head turning to the side, mouth resting close to the summoner's neck.]
We're here to help people. [They're only human (most of them), and even if this mistake was a tragedy... the other possible results weren't pleasant either. Not with the Busan team failing to kill the second dragon.]
Aa. [Living one day at a time. Learning from their mistakes.] Raidou... thanks... for fighting with me.
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And thank you. For always having my back.
[He really doesn't know what he'd do here, how he'd have made it this far without Katskui and Yuji. Raidou feels lucky to have so many good friends here, but the two of them have been able to help life him back to his feet and keep him fighting when he's felt at his worst. He wants to be able to do the same for them.
Having others to rely on is a blessing and a curse, but in times like this, Raidou is so glad for it.]
Together. That's how we'll do this.
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You've had mine. And you've never given up.
[Katsuki's proud of him for that most of all. He wants to do more to help Raidou, but beyond training and working with him on his skills and new tech, what's left is encouraging and supporting. Yet so many times, the other boy's helped Katsuki as well. In battle and out. He came here not wanting to make friends, and now he's sitting beside one of his best friends in this world.
Clasping his hand and letting him help him back to his feet. So many times Katsuki's had trouble accepting help, offered or needed. But every now and then, he has to face reality.]
Aa. Together.
[That's something heroes do too. Working together to do things they wouldn't have otherwise alone.]
Hey... Can I spend the night?
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[His conscience would never let him sit out forever. Watching his Outsider colleagues put their lives on the line while he did nothing would kill him worse than trying and failing.]
Of course. It's probably better we don't keep staying alone, huh.
[Holing up in their rooms is the easy way out. Maybe Raidou can get some sleep knowing someone is there.]
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[Retiring from the summoner life. Deciding to step back and live with someone more important than the duty. Personal happiness during peaceful times. Something that would permit him to "give up" without the burden of a conscience telling him he did something wrong. All duty comes to an end eventually.
In the meantime, they can have all the "almost" they want, so long as they don't have a single "did it" to their name.]
Yeah. [He needs to be alone for a while, to parse through things his own way. But eventually... with someone he's close to... he'll spend some time with them.] I'll tape your face shut if you snore.