synflux | ( CLOSED ) i was grinning like i'm winning

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( CLOSED ) i was grinning like i'm winning

WHO: Yuji Itadori & Raidou Kuzunoha
WHAT: Sleepover
WHERE: Raidou's room
WHEN: After the Events of the text mingle
WARNINGS: Vague discussion of NSFW content (thanks, Choso) and boys kissing.

[ Yuji can't say he's having a bad day, exactly, but he also can't say it's been good, given the discoveries.

The things that Choso wants to do, has done, enjoys, revealed to him just like that. Yuji had never experienced how it felt to be utterly embarrassed by a sibling before, but the experience isn't one that he really wants to repeat. For all that Choso might be happy and enjoying himself, Yuji thinks he might have been happier if he remained blind to it all. He can't fault Choso for finding something he likes, but it's mortifying, and also with Toji-san of all people...

It's a morose Yuji that's dragging himself to Raidou's room, a little bag in hand - some snacks, dinner in some bento boxes, his notebook and polaroids to organise while his boyfriend studies, all that kind of stuff. He's trying not to get flustered over it all, since they've never done this before, but he does... Want to. Waking up next to Raidou...

Shaking his head, he knocks, then peers his head inside. ]

Yo, Johei! I made it!

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[Raidou nods, head hanging, almost imperceptibly so.] Imagining what he's doing to the Capital in my absence... All I can do is hope that the other summoners can succeed where I failed.

[Every day he calls himself a summoner here, it feels more and more hollow to him. He doesn't know what he is anymore, but it's not that. He's coming to terms with that. He was something else, something undefined, but maybe that was okay. He was just Johei.

He looks up at Yuji, a warmth filling him when he says that to him.]

Thank you. I... don't know if I can be okay with knowing how I failed, but... I'm trying, here, to make things better.

[His other hand covers both of theirs, trying to be reassuring, encouraging.]

I hope you can feel the same way about yourself. The world is better with you here too. My world is.

I understand. I want to believe that Maki-senpai and Okkotsu-senpai might be able to do this without me, but the last thing I remember... I know what my role is. I understand my place.

[ Yuji squeezes their hands, breathing out softly. He's trying not to think about it, but it keeps coming back to him. When he tries to force himself to remember, when he tries to force himself to forget, when he thinks about Nanami being gone, or what happened to Gojo-sensei... It's just too much for him.

They're just teenagers, aren't they? How is this fair?

He's used to it. That doesn't mean it's okay.

Yuji wants to move over and draw Raidou into his arms, wants to sink into him and not let go, to give him comfort at the same time. They should eat first, though, and he recognises that. ]

I'm working hard... I know a lot of people say it, but it's hard to believe when I've caused so many problems.

[It's fine. Hard to have an appetite when the conversation turns in such a direction. Raidou has been sitting on all of this for too long as it is.

When Raidou felt that pain and grief that was hiding in Yuji, it seemed impossible to him that anyone could still continue about their life with those feelings weighing them down. The fact that Yuji was sitting there in front of him, hands in his, felt like a miracle.]

I know you are. It's just hard when... when things are just beyond you. That even your best isn't good enough. I-I guess that, the only thing we can do is hope that others recognize we did everything in our power to help. They'd want the same from us, right?

[He really doesn't know. but there has to be something they can take from their experiences. The strange twists of fate that left the two of them sitting here, granted a second chance neither feels like they deserve.]

[ Yuji nods, shifting a little. It's hard, it's tough, and he wants to be good enough, but he doesn't think he is. What is it that Nanami said to him...? If he can't find the right reason to fight, then just quit... He can't do that. Can he?

He's so accustomed to his own pain, to grief, to losing people that he doesn't think about it. He isn't numb, he's just tolerating it. ]

I hope so. If I get the ending I want, then I hope people remember me for the good things that I did. That I fought hard, and that I can be remembered for wanting to help people. That would be okay with me.

[ Lifting Raidou's hand up, he kisses his knuckles gently. ]

I think people would say the same for you. That you wanted to help save people as best you could.

I hope so. For both of us.

[His smile get a little brighter, a little less sad around the edges when Yuji does that.]

There probably is no real answer on any of this, is there. Sometimes... maybe oftentimes, it's just like that. The bad things happen and we can't take it back. We can only change things going forward.

[Learning to move on, instead of trying to fix things that you just can't.

Yeah. So I'm going to keep fighting, and so are you.

[ Another kiss to the knuckle in his hand, and then Yuji is turning back to his dinner. Despite the sadness, they still have to eat - it's the kind of thing he'd definitely get scolded over if he doesn't.

Can Choso feel those kinds of things...? Hm. ]

And we can be happy here. I've said it before, so I'll keep reminding myself.

[Can't let this cute dinner Yuji made go to waste, right? He'll do his best.]

I guess I could use the reminder myself sometimes.

[Sitting here enjoying the company of his boyfriend, eating the food he prepared for them, lucky to be in one piece after their last mission. Those are good reminders. He smiles to himself.]

Nights like this help.

I think so.

[ Things could be so much worse, right? It's like... Yuji lets himself think about the bad things so often and then puts on a brave face. He could stand to think about the happier things more often as well. Things like this - moments like this.

He grins at Raidou. ]

The promise of cuddles helps too.

I do always look forward to that. [Things like that are still enough to get his face to turn just the slightest bit red.]

Ah, you said you brought your notebook too, yes? Did take new photos to add?

Yeah! I've taken some more since the last time we looked at them, so I thought I could put them in the notebook while you were studying.

[ Cute... ]

You can look if you want.

[Dinner is as done as it's getting. He nods, perking up.]

Sure. I'd love to.

[He really does think the Polaroids are super cool. It'll take awhile for that novelty to wear off. Raidou gets up to make some room at his desk for the two of them to work, and to move one of the chairs over to it. The desk has his own notebook, as well as a few other books from the shrine. Lots to study.]

Here. When you're done.

Thank you!

[ Rising, Yuji packs their leftovers away to be taken care of later, tucking them aside before he makes his way over to the desk with his bag. Out comes the notebook, a handful of polaroids, and what looks like a series of washi tapes and stickers.

Apparently, this is serious. ]

Do you wanna sit?

[ Pats his lap. Pat pat. ]

[Arts and crafts time is a good is a good distraction from all that previous talk.
Nothing like a good project, and it looks like Raidou's about to get a scrapbooking lesson.

He grins a little at the offer, shaking his head. You silly boy. But after a moment, he gently take a seat on Yuji's lap, grabbing a roll of washi tape to look it over.]

You're very prepared.

[ Victory...!

Yuji wraps an arm around Raidou, tugging him close and peering around him to look at the notebook, fingers brushing idly against his stomach. ]

I'm not great at this sort of thing, but I want it to look good. They're happy memories, so they've earned it.

[Raidou settles against him, getting comfortable, an arm around Yuji's back.]

I think it's great. You're really making it yours this way. We might have to go hunting for more notebooks, I think.

That would be fun. I wonder if that same place has more now that it's been a while.

[ Yuji leans in, nuzzling his face into Raidou absently. ]

... I'm glad I got the camera. There are so many people here I'd miss if they left. I don't want to forget.

It's a tough thing to find around here. They didn't use paper hardly at all in school. The kids there marveled at my handwriting.

[It was so neat and perfect! No one writes like that anymore.

Raidou leans his head against Yuji's, sighing contentedly. How cozy was this...]

It was nice of them to give that to you. I think you probably got the best Christmas gift out of them than anyone else.

I can see that. You have really nice handwriting, I’m a little jealous.

[ It’s so easy to lean into Raidou like this, to share space with him while they talk. It’s like it’s natural. ]

I wonder if they realised how special it would be to me or if they meant it as a joke.

I hope not. I know mine was... I guess they knew I liked cats, but...?

[Now that he mentions it, Yuji seems to be the only one he can think of that got a useful gift.]

I really don't understand what LILITH is thinking sometimes.

[Raidou shifts a little to see if he can get a look at Yuji better.]

I'm not making your legs fall asleep, am I?

It’s a good way to get me on their good side, like I wasn’t already.

[ Yuji is dedicated enough to fighting monsters that he’s not concerned about having to work hard here, but he knows it’s not the same for everyone.

At Raidou’s comment, he tilts his head and laughs softly. ]

No way, you’re fine. You’re not even a little bit heavy.

You're okay with them? I'm not sure what I think of them, really.

[He respected LILITH's goal, but not necessarily their methods.

At that, Raidou intentionally leans more of his weight onto him, smiling. Time to make him regret those words! Except not really. Raidou's pretty light.]

Good. Because I'm pretty comfortable like this.

I don’t know. They’ve been fine to me, but I know other people have had strange things happen.

[ He’s not really smart enough for all of this kind of thing anyway. He’s there to fight monsters, not think too hard about the nature of their kidnapping and that stuff.

He gets to be here with people he loves who are alive again. That’s enough for him.

Smiling, though, he leans in to kiss Raidou’s cheek gently. ]

You know I can throw cars, right? My cute boyfriend is easy mode.

Can I see that sometime?

[Raidou swings his legs to the side, so he sits perpendicular on Yuji's lap now, a mischievous glint in his eye.]

In the next sim, maybe. Will you throw a car during it?

[Wouldn't want any actual real-world damage, here. He knows how strong Yuji is, but he kind of wants to see that, too.]

Oh, sure?

[ Wait. Hold on. Is he missing something here…

Lifting his head, he gazes at his boyfriend before his lips spread slowly, and he grins up at him, tightening his arm a little bit. ]

Hey, Johei… Do you like that I can do that sort of thing?

[You mean his superhumanly strong boyfriend doing super hot things like chucking whole cars at monsters? Yeah he might just be into that. Called out though, he blinks and reddens, hiding his face on Yuji's shoulder. He can hear the smile in his voice, though.]

It'd be cool to see, is all.

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