synflux | [closed] we shape our buildings; thereafter, they shape us

[ fascinating. not what she meant, though it's definitely a problem. it means he has to spend more money on drinks. her? she'll finish this and not feel it hit her until she startd in on the second or until she stands. ]

I feel sorry for you. You have to spend so much money just to get a kick. But I mean, like... can you drink yourself?

[ waterboy. ]

Also, I wanna try yours too.

I'm surprised it took you so long to ask. That's usually one of the first questions I get after showing someone my abilities. The answer is yes, by the way.

[ Kaito offers her his wine glass. ] This is umeshu. Plum wine. It's my favorite drink, by a long shot.

Anyway, don't feel bad. I don't enjoy being drunk. It's a control freak thing.

Edited 2024-04-10 21:24 (UTC)

[ remembering that. umeshu for alcohol. she takes it from him, the sweet and sour a pleasant taste, though she thinks she prefers hers right now. nodding... it is good though. ]

I'm tired of being a control freak myself. It was a lot of responsibility in my second life, so I'm pretty okay with someone else taking the reins sometimes... and I'm always drinking with people I trust anyway, so it's fine.

[ she was careful around izou, at least. just a little bit of a drink. malkuth rests her cheek in her hand, sipping at her drink again. ]

I think it's fun... the whole world warms up, moves at a different speed, and you start to feel like you're not you. I get kind of giggly when I drink, I think, and more physical too. Touchy. See? We won't have to wait for a real third date after all.

[ she's teasing. ]

Good thing I've got strong hands. I can hold the reins for as long as you need.

[ Kaito's... Is he teasing? There's no devious lilt or playful gaze to accompany that line. He just takes his glass back and empties its contents.

Hmm. He listens while she talks, pouring himself another round. The bottle is already half empty. This time he does smile, sticking his tongue out at the tease. ]

So you become cuter than you already are when you get drunk. Understood.

[ His smile brightens—but only for a moment. ] It still isn't for me, though. I have enough issues with self-identity as it is. No need to exacerbate them. Hah.

[ A severe understatement. He's only casually bringing up his greatest fear while he drinks—and he already regrets mentioning it. ]

[ malkuth'll probably let him, really. she is tonight.

though she's kicking him lightly under the table for the tease, stop that, except her grin has the opposite message.

still... what a problem to have. ]

You're worse off than me there. Though I've been thinking more about Elijah lately, and how I'm sort of... living the experiences she should've been having, that I should have been having in my first life -- even if I would've never found the time to do half of what I do now back in the City.

[ a longer sip this time, swirling the drink lazily when she sets it down again. ]

Is it because of what you mentioned before? The multiple deaths thing.

[ Kaito's smile grows just a bit when she kicks him. But when it fades, his gaze turns distant again. He looks down at the space between them, then decides he's just gonna grab Malkuth's hand again and hold it with both of his, connecting them over the table.

He really can't get over how soft her hands are. Softer than Yukito's. Almost softer than... ]

I get the conflict. You're her, and she's you. Nothing can refute that... Though I know the mind will try. I know all too well.

[ A squeeze. But he shakes his head afterward. ]

Do you ever get flashes of memories from Elijah's life? Things that you know you personally haven't experienced, yet still feel like they belong to you?

[ -- sheesh, warn a girl. malkuth's hand curls naturally into itself, but she eases the fingers back straight to rest against kaito's as he talks. as he does get it. it's less her mind and her herself having the debate -- malkuth accepts she's elijah, but still sets the girl apart from her too. fond memories more like pictures hung on strings of fairy light that she peers over, sometimes uncovering new ones as they stick out from books and the like.

maybe he just needs something to ground him. just like before, when she'd touched his face. it makes sense, so she'll wiggle her fingers to interlock with his. ]

Mmhmm. Especially now that I'm out and about more. Though it's not like she had the most exciting life... it's more of the interactions she had with the people she grew to know, in the research team. Before everything soured.

[ a cheerier girl than malkuth had first recalled, the painful memories far more present and easy to remember. but the ones with that man are particularly close these days, glancing across at kaito with a vague irritation at herself. hm. really. ]

So it's like that?

[ Sorry. Kaito's not direct. Everything's a surprise with him, and he likes it that way. LILITH should have plucked him from ten years prior.

But he does jolt a little when she twines her fingers with his. It's unexpected, but not unwanted. He slumps forward a little, meeting her eyes with something between fondness and exhaustion.

This close, their hearts may as well be connected. In the moment, what she feels, he feels.

Hells.

Maybe he can be upfront and honest for a few minutes. Hasn't she earned that much? ]

Almost. I have more abilities than what you've seen. No one else knows yet and I'd... really prefer it stays that way.

[ A beat. Kaito takes a breath to steady himself, and his smile becomes a touch strained. ]

For most of my life, I've been able to feel the emotions of everyone around me. No contact needed—though the feeling gets much stronger when touch is involved. The gift was so strong that when their emotions registered, I felt them as if they were mine in the first place. [ He doesn't pause to let the implications sink in. There's more. ]

And when I did touch people, I would relive their memories. Maybe it was what they had for breakfast. Maybe it was a time they were mugged at gunpoint. Maybe it was their death. Just like with my empathy, I'd experience the memories as if they were my own.

It would have never been a problem if I could control it. But I couldn't. For the better half of all my years, few as they've been, I had to live on the receiving end of nonstop information. Nonstop bliss, nonstop anguish, nonstop memories.

[ Another pause. Kaito laughs, but there's not an ounce of mirth to lighten its weight. He squeezes her hand, but his is already shaking. He's ready to pull back, but he steadies. Continues. ]

...When I was at my lowest, I forgot how to be myself for a few weeks. Can you believe that? I forgot me.

Even now, years after the fact, long after I've learned to control my psychic powers... I still fear. I still feel. Every emotion that isn't mine and has never been mine registers through my conscious as if I created it. If there's any silver lining, my ability to tap into memories was lost when I arrived here.

So, that's why. That's why I think I never want to be drunk, if that's what it'll do to me.

[ Time's up. The story is told, and Kaito fully tips over to lay his head on his outstretched arm. Golds screw shut, and his grip loosens. ]

I probably should have prefaced that, [ he mumbles into his sleeve. ]

[ what she feel, he feels.

so he'll feel the surprise at his words, the uncertainty and despair that goes with the natural line of thought of how much had he felt from her already. the press to make them take a backseat to her friend; things that can be asked and addressed later, if she really wants to know, and settling to a quiet desire to simple be there. trying not to feel so much, even if she's ever an open book even without an empath's help.

he'd listened to her lengthy talks about her past, after all. even if it wasn't the full of it -- she hadn't covered the worst of it, simply the time before and after -- it was still a bid of trust, and that's what he's offering to her now.

kaito's grip might loosen, but hers remains the same. ]

... You sure got the short end of the stick, huh?

[ surely a form of pity, but not one she wants to condescend; it's born out of understanding, or a desire to understand, and malkuth reaches her other hand out to gently pet kaito's head. run her fingers through his hair, hesitant but feeling that it's right.

she knows what it's like to forget yourself. but she still can't imagine forgetting someone like kaito. ]

That sounds like a lot. I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own, Kaito, even if it's not something you could share with someone else.

Don't do that. It's okay now. I'm better now.

[ He speaks in the same instant that he feels her emotions recede. He looks up, and it's tough to tell whether that's hurt or pity of his own softening his gaze. At the very least, he tightens his hold on her hand again. A bit of relief washes over when she grazes her fingers through his hair. It's so hard to stay focused and not just lean into her touch and ignore it all. ]

If I had been born a girl, I'd have changed my last name to Fortune. [ Terrible pun. Miss Fortune. Stop playing League. He quirks a tiny smile. It doesn't reach his eyes, but it makes the attempt. ]

Everyone has their trauma, their skeletons, their burdens. Those are some of mine. Whether I share them or not, at the end of the day I'll still have to carry them around. That's reality for us.

[ Another push to smile. His golds still look so grim, so sad. ]

Just do me a favor. Don't try to adjust for me, okay? It's one thing to feel sympathy, but I don't need to be handled like porcelain. I'm tougher than I look, y'know?

And... I'll try not to read your emotions all the time. It's difficult, it's habit, but I try not to pry too often these days.

[ -- oh, she's embarrassed to be caught. of course she was. and scolded, but she gets it. ]

... Thanks. But I'm not trying to handle you like you're fragile, Kaito, I promise. A girl's gotta have her secrets, you know?

[ and malkuth's fine with putting her heart second. she's done before. her petting hand retracts to make something of a pillow for her head, laying down on her arm too. ]

In return, please don't just smile, like you're doing now. If you're gonna be honest with me, then do it all the time. I want to be someone you can frown around too.

[ He stays smiling for a while, but eventually Kaito looks down at their hands. His features level out, but his voice remains bright. ]

I can't promise that. I'm not like you. I can't be like you.

I'll always have something to hide. It's just who I am.

[ Golds flit up. There's another smile; but while it remains small, it finds its way to his eyes. ]

And that's as honest as I can get. Give me some time. I'll get there eventually. Or don't. I won't hold it against you if that's a breaking point, y'know?

I won't call it a breaking point, but it'll make me sad in a year.

[ she'll sit up again, just so she can finish off her first glass and slide it away. the second one now. ]

I know more than anyone that it takes time, and if it never happens, it just doesn't. It doesn't make me any less of your friend or vice versa. As long as you try, even a little bit, to let me share in more than just your smiles... then I'll be satisfied.

[ Kaito pulls himself a little closer, resting his chin on their joined hands. After a moment, he turns... Not to kiss the top of hers, but to graze his cheek against her knuckles.

Satisfied, he finally sits upright. ]

Understood. I'll use my twelve month trial period wisely.

[ ...

great! awesome they understand each other now! wow, look at that social link up! she's taking her hand back, her knuckles feel like they've been scorched and the live band is soooooooooo interesting! the music? great! the vibe? smooth! love it! ]

Thanks for, um, trusting me with that. I won't tell anyone. Obviously.

[ thank goodness she has a second drink to wash down her. heart. that's in her throat. back down you go, girl! rattle in her chest instead! ]

You're really cat-like, Kaito. No wonder you get along with the strays.

[ Kaito chuckles, watching her try and play it off. He murmurs, just loud enough for her to catch: ]

Cute. [ He pours himself another glass and knocks it back. ]

You're welcome. I can't think of anyone else on this godforsaken Earth who I would want to trust with that fragility of mine, y'know?

[ A beat. He looks up, eyes regaining their mischievous glimmer. ]

I am. And look at what you've done to me. You've still got hope with the cats.

Edited 2024-04-11 05:10 (UTC)

[ keep calling her that and she's putting his name on a wanted list.

anyway, let her lay her head back down. she'll lift it to sip her drink every now and then. this is only so she hide her face somewhat, even if it means he has a nice view of her neck and down. shoulders... ]

I'll give 'em another shot the next time me and March go to the onsen. It's really nice to just melt into the hot water, especially after a long day... She wants to hold a get-together with the other ladies, so I'm pretty psyched for it.

[ He catches that too. The intent, anyway.

Kaito doesn't bother being subtle about soaking in those shoulders. Gotdayum, girl. Your clavicles.

...I wish that was a joke. He likes clavicles. ]

I haven't been there since January. I should go back and visit the cats. [ A beat. ] Hm. Is anyone arranging a hangout for the guys? I wonder if we can do something like that too...

[ she can feel his stare. she's making a note to never wear anything sleeveless again. this was a mistake. she knew she should've worn the granny dress. modesty is best, after all. you don't wear anything that shows too much skin in the city. mostly because it seems to be a slightly colder climate, but still.

he can like her clavicles all he wants it's just making malkuth turn redder. look at that skin go. look at her drink go, too. ]

I haven't heard anything, but I'm not a guy.

[ so she has nooooooo idea. ]

It's sort of just an informal thing, but I've really been working on my girl talk so I can keep up with everyone else! [ -- oh. she's sitting up. ] Kaito, what's your type?

[ This is revenge for the morning. Or something.

Kaito nods along, emptying the bottle with his next pour. He goes about drinking slowly. ]

I'll look around, then. Maybe it'll fall on me to organize it.

[ In the meantime, he reloads his shotgun and also straightens. ]

Including you or besides you?

Is there a difference?

[ someone like her... that's what that means. ]

The former will have me go on for about five minutes describing how attractive you are. The latter will not.

[ I thought we established that you aren't direct, Kaito... ]

Keep your thoughts to yourself.

[ wow, the dress really made a difference. she's gonna avoid wearing one around him for the next year. wait, she still has dance classes. oh sunk cost fallacy, we're really into it now. definitely nothing sleeveless next time... something more modest, but still cute... ]

Besides me then.

Breaking my heart over here, Malkutie.

[ Sorry. It has to become canon now. ]

...Mmm...

It starts in the eyes, I think. I'm weak for eyes. March's especially, if I have to think of everyone on base. Oh, and Vergilius...

Mentally... I guess someone who's willing to push their way in, if that makes sense? I'm not that quick to warm to people, usually. Our situation demands a bit more congeniality from my end than I'm usually willing to provide.

Back home, I'm much better at keeping to myself outside of work.

So... nice eyes, overly friendly or forward... what else?

[ diligent and hard working... if it's not besides her, though it sounds like he simply liked her current looks. ]

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