synflux | ( CLOSED ) i was grinning like i'm winning

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( CLOSED ) i was grinning like i'm winning

WHO: Yuji Itadori & Raidou Kuzunoha
WHAT: Sleepover
WHERE: Raidou's room
WHEN: After the Events of the text mingle
WARNINGS: Vague discussion of NSFW content (thanks, Choso) and boys kissing.

[ Yuji can't say he's having a bad day, exactly, but he also can't say it's been good, given the discoveries.

The things that Choso wants to do, has done, enjoys, revealed to him just like that. Yuji had never experienced how it felt to be utterly embarrassed by a sibling before, but the experience isn't one that he really wants to repeat. For all that Choso might be happy and enjoying himself, Yuji thinks he might have been happier if he remained blind to it all. He can't fault Choso for finding something he likes, but it's mortifying, and also with Toji-san of all people...

It's a morose Yuji that's dragging himself to Raidou's room, a little bag in hand - some snacks, dinner in some bento boxes, his notebook and polaroids to organise while his boyfriend studies, all that kind of stuff. He's trying not to get flustered over it all, since they've never done this before, but he does... Want to. Waking up next to Raidou...

Shaking his head, he knocks, then peers his head inside. ]

Yo, Johei! I made it!

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It was weird last time, too.

[He doesn't want to talk about certain things with this one either. Thanks, Bakugo.

Yuji came here so prepared. He looks amused, propping up his chin with a hand now.]

It's like that sleepover party we had when we first arrived. Do we need to build one of those blanket forts too?

I wonder how much of it is a mistake and how much of it is them messing with us.

[ Yuji lifts his head to gaze at Raidou, softening a little as he sits up more. He wants to lean in and steal more kisses, but he can wait for a little while longer. Raidou's gotta study still, right?

Right. ]

A bit like that. We don't need to build one unless you want a fort.

I think a majority of it is the latter. [Bored LILITH employees reading their conversations, probably.]

[He shakes his head with a grin.] I think I'm good without a fort. Want to eat something? I've been reading for... ah, awhile now.

[Raidou is definitely one of those people who will easily lose track of time due to working, and probably forgot dinner. It's a good thing he just won a huge supply of instant noodles.]

It's not like anything I was thinking was that interesting. [ Just idle thoughts about his friends, and missing Nanami, and wondering about surgery. Totally normal stuff.

Slowly, Yuji pushes himself up to his knees to grin at Raidou, wanting to wrap his arms around him, but he waits. Instead, he gets up to his feet, stretching a little and heading over to the bag. ]

Sure! I brought some chips, some onigiri, and then the bentos I made, so we can have whatever.

[Hey, he saw that image of him. But Raidou's thought showed Yuji, so they're even. Maybe he was a little tickled to see that in Yuji's thoughts too, even if he was too polite to comment on it.

He looks at Yuji a moment, him also considering doing the same. But once he gets a hold of him, it's hard to let go... Instead, he gives him a nod, and gets up to fetch a small end table to move in between the two chairs for them to use. Maybe he ought to invest in a bigger one, if they plan to do this more often.]

A bento sounds great. I... sort of forgot to stop for dinner. [He admits that a little sheepishly, looking away.]

[ Flopping down in the chair, Yuji digs in the back for a moment. He tugs out a pink blanket, folding it and placing it aside before he grabs the bento boxes and gets them out. The food inside is traditional Japanese lunch, the kind a mother might make for their kid going off to school - rice, some sausages cut into octopuses, other cute things in there to round it off.

Yuji looks pleased at his offering, offering it out to Raidou with a smile. ]

It's a good thing I brought you something, then! People scold me for not taking care of myself, so should I do the same to you?

[ Because he will! He can be scolding too, sometimes!! ]

[Raidou's never gotten the family bento treatment before, so this is a delightful discovery. Look how cute it is.]

You put a lot of thought into this. It looks great.

[He even holds up one of the sausages with his chopsticks to look one over.]

Do we need to do it to one another? Narumi would gripe at me for doing the same thing he often did. Though a lot of times it was because he was off being distracted by anything but work.

[Despite how it might sound, Raidou has a fond look on his face when he says it.]

It's not that bad, I don't think? There's more downtime here, so I'm a little bit less intense than I was at home. The doctor told me I should take more care of myself, though.

[ Yuji pokes at his bento with a little huff. ]

... It's a little weird. The last few weeks back in my world was just fighting non-stop, trying to get the outcome we wanted from all of us working together. Being here feels a little like cheating, or like I should be doing something more with my time. Getting stronger.

[ Even looking at the upgrades... Would they go back with him? Is it useful? ]

It's hard to just do nothing, I guess.

Mm. They said the same to me. [LILITH medics seeing these two passed out in a cot together in the med bay and worrying greatly, for sure.

Raidou thinks Yuji's words over for a moment, nodding. He can never sit still, and it's taken him a few months now to realize that his goals and his role here are different than at home.

He wants to get stronger too, better himself, make up for all the shortcomings he can't seem to stop thinking about.]

I certainly don't want to sit and do nothing, either. But many people here keeping telling me that... we should enjoy ourselves here more. Live our lives. [Concerned words from older Outsiders who just want the kids to have a chance to be kids.] I'm trying, but it's not as if we're short on work here, either.

[He sighs lightly.] Eventually we'll go back, whether or ready for it or not. So... perhaps, they have a point. [Especially when he's not sure what awaits him at home.]

... I might die, when I go back.

[ It's not the first time he's thought it, or considered it, but it's the first time he's said it aloud. He shoves some rice into his mouth to distract himself, forcing himself to breathe. Maybe this is too heavy for what's meant to be a nice meal together, but...

He can't help but be honest around Raidou. He trusts him. ]

I'm fighting Sukuna right now, and if it costs me my life to kill him, then that would be worth it. That was the plan from the beginning anyway - for me to die to kill him at the same time. I've been prepared for it for weeks.

[ Finally, he looks up at his boyfriend, hesitant. ]

I think... I want to enjoy my time here as much as possible, because I might not have any when I go back. Isn't that weird to think about?

[ Marcille had cried over the things Yuji had suffered, things he shrugs off... Maybe it is a little messed up, the things he's been through. ]

[Raidou looks up at him suddenly when Yuji says that, but says nothing. He looks worried as he listens, his heart aching.

He understands completely. To his question, he shakes his head lightly.]

It isn't weird. We've been given a chance that no one really gets, a second chance to--

[Though now that he's saying that out loud, he realizes he never told Yuji about his circumstances back home. He looks down, grief sneaking in just around the edges. Grief for himself, and for Yuji.]

A second chance to even have a life. Because I may be dead back home as well.

Johei… You never said anything about that.

[ He feels a little guilty, going on about his problems all the time when Raidou is going through something similar, and he puts his chopsticks down before he reaches out to take one of the other boy’s hands in his own, heart aching.

They really are that similar, aren’t they? Everyone was right.

Bowing his head a little, he signs. ]

It sucks that this is the kind of thing we can bond over. Having so little time.

[Raidou looks up at him, trying to smile sympathetically.]

I... It's hard to talk about, I guess. A lot to explain.

[He gives that hand a reassuring squeeze.]

I guess that's why those who are telling us to enjoy ourselves here a little more is right.

You can tell me about it if you want, or we can leave it.

[ There are still some things he can only tell Choso and Gojo-sensei about due to the nature of it, so he understands if Raidou is the same. Sometimes, it’s too hard.

They shouldn’t be suffering this kind of stuff, right? But Yuji is used to it now. Almost desensitised. It’s normal. ]

I’m happy to spend time with you either way. This is me enjoying myself.

Me too.

[He enjoys spending his time so much with Yuji, someone so burdened with his own sorrow and hardships, that he feels guilty himself. He wouldn't want to add to his worries. But would it change things? He knows this much now.

If Raidou can't tell Yuji, who could he tell?

He's quiet, biting his lip, spending a moment to organize his words as he often needs to.]

Someone I trusted betrayed me. Betrayed the Capital. We were investigating a dangerous organization that turned out to be headed by him the entire time. He caught me, and...

[He's tried so hard to not think about all this since he arrived, but despite that, it never stopped feeling like a fresh wound.]

I lost consciousness right before I arrived here.

So it's like that...

[ Yuji sighs softly. He can empathise, a little - it's not like he's been betrayed in that way, but... He's sort of the betrayer? He's the one who led to Megumi getting strapped in the way that he has been, causing all the problems and death as a result. One vow gone wrong and so many deaths as a result.

His fingers squeeze gently around Raidou's. ]

I can't say anything that'll make it feel better, I know that. But... I want to hope that you're okay. I don't think the world will be as good without you in it. You make it better, Johei.

[Raidou nods, head hanging, almost imperceptibly so.] Imagining what he's doing to the Capital in my absence... All I can do is hope that the other summoners can succeed where I failed.

[Every day he calls himself a summoner here, it feels more and more hollow to him. He doesn't know what he is anymore, but it's not that. He's coming to terms with that. He was something else, something undefined, but maybe that was okay. He was just Johei.

He looks up at Yuji, a warmth filling him when he says that to him.]

Thank you. I... don't know if I can be okay with knowing how I failed, but... I'm trying, here, to make things better.

[His other hand covers both of theirs, trying to be reassuring, encouraging.]

I hope you can feel the same way about yourself. The world is better with you here too. My world is.

I understand. I want to believe that Maki-senpai and Okkotsu-senpai might be able to do this without me, but the last thing I remember... I know what my role is. I understand my place.

[ Yuji squeezes their hands, breathing out softly. He's trying not to think about it, but it keeps coming back to him. When he tries to force himself to remember, when he tries to force himself to forget, when he thinks about Nanami being gone, or what happened to Gojo-sensei... It's just too much for him.

They're just teenagers, aren't they? How is this fair?

He's used to it. That doesn't mean it's okay.

Yuji wants to move over and draw Raidou into his arms, wants to sink into him and not let go, to give him comfort at the same time. They should eat first, though, and he recognises that. ]

I'm working hard... I know a lot of people say it, but it's hard to believe when I've caused so many problems.

[It's fine. Hard to have an appetite when the conversation turns in such a direction. Raidou has been sitting on all of this for too long as it is.

When Raidou felt that pain and grief that was hiding in Yuji, it seemed impossible to him that anyone could still continue about their life with those feelings weighing them down. The fact that Yuji was sitting there in front of him, hands in his, felt like a miracle.]

I know you are. It's just hard when... when things are just beyond you. That even your best isn't good enough. I-I guess that, the only thing we can do is hope that others recognize we did everything in our power to help. They'd want the same from us, right?

[He really doesn't know. but there has to be something they can take from their experiences. The strange twists of fate that left the two of them sitting here, granted a second chance neither feels like they deserve.]

[ Yuji nods, shifting a little. It's hard, it's tough, and he wants to be good enough, but he doesn't think he is. What is it that Nanami said to him...? If he can't find the right reason to fight, then just quit... He can't do that. Can he?

He's so accustomed to his own pain, to grief, to losing people that he doesn't think about it. He isn't numb, he's just tolerating it. ]

I hope so. If I get the ending I want, then I hope people remember me for the good things that I did. That I fought hard, and that I can be remembered for wanting to help people. That would be okay with me.

[ Lifting Raidou's hand up, he kisses his knuckles gently. ]

I think people would say the same for you. That you wanted to help save people as best you could.

I hope so. For both of us.

[His smile get a little brighter, a little less sad around the edges when Yuji does that.]

There probably is no real answer on any of this, is there. Sometimes... maybe oftentimes, it's just like that. The bad things happen and we can't take it back. We can only change things going forward.

[Learning to move on, instead of trying to fix things that you just can't.

Yeah. So I'm going to keep fighting, and so are you.

[ Another kiss to the knuckle in his hand, and then Yuji is turning back to his dinner. Despite the sadness, they still have to eat - it's the kind of thing he'd definitely get scolded over if he doesn't.

Can Choso feel those kinds of things...? Hm. ]

And we can be happy here. I've said it before, so I'll keep reminding myself.

[Can't let this cute dinner Yuji made go to waste, right? He'll do his best.]

I guess I could use the reminder myself sometimes.

[Sitting here enjoying the company of his boyfriend, eating the food he prepared for them, lucky to be in one piece after their last mission. Those are good reminders. He smiles to himself.]

Nights like this help.

I think so.

[ Things could be so much worse, right? It's like... Yuji lets himself think about the bad things so often and then puts on a brave face. He could stand to think about the happier things more often as well. Things like this - moments like this.

He grins at Raidou. ]

The promise of cuddles helps too.

I do always look forward to that. [Things like that are still enough to get his face to turn just the slightest bit red.]

Ah, you said you brought your notebook too, yes? Did take new photos to add?

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