synflux | ( OPEN ) JUNE CATCH ALL

(Ah, there it is. That distance that has some how crept between them recently.

It's like losing someone but that someone is still here. It's like some sort of cruel tease and even when he tries to steel his heart... well, he's still human. It still aches, even when he expects. Even when he tries to subdue it. He doesn't get it. It's not like he's known Aki for very long. They may have had something but it's not like it was like...

(The dark that follows the light.)
(The crescent moon in the sky.)
(The quiet of a grave.)

It wasn't like that. But it was something, right?

Still, he holds his head up high and holds his arms out at his side,)

Mhm. (He nods,) But they won't let me go out.

(Not back to the desert. Not until they're sure. Something, something, his health checks reveal a level of stress and irregular sleep patterns or whatever they're checking for.)

I'm so bored... I might sneak out.

(He's half serious. He wants to joke. Lighten the air. Let things return to normal.)

...

(But he knows Aki well enough. He can see the way his face seems to twist even when he's keeping it together. He tilts his head and leans in, looking up at Aki from his new angle as if it'll help him see better,)

And you?

[ Normally, Aki is able to confess his feelings easily enough, able to say what's on his mind - usually when he lends himself to anger, bursts of irritation that slam into him before he can snap it down. This kind of heartbreak is a little different, because he tends to try and keep that to himself as much as possible. It's not normal for him to share that kind of guilt and hurt, because he's been alone for so long.

The only person he had to trust was Himeno, and that was a little different too.

Looking at Tsurumaru, he feels a sense of utter longing. He wants to reach out and touch him, and his metallic fingers flex for a moment before he breathes out and steps forward, head tilted, body aching and feeling like he might end up collapsing under the weight of his own feelings. ]

If you need to go out, I'll go with you.

[ Lifting his hand, without thinking about it, Aki reaches out and presses his fingers against Tsurumaru's cheeks - and then it's all different.

The memory slides around them like a burst of heat, then cold air. It's not the overheated warmth of the Las Vegas desert any more, it's the chill of winter, deep down to the bones. Tsurumaru might hear the sound of Aki behind him, but's much, much younger than the man he knows, a childishness that comes with a snowball flying by him.

You're so annoying! I said, cut it out!

Hitting a smaller figure, who throws a snowball right back, and they play together. Two brothers playing in the snow as if there's nothing wrong, as if nothing could ever be wrong. Eventually, Taiyo complains, hands flexing because of his chill, and Aki sighs as he steps forward.

If you catch a cold, I'll be the one in trouble. Playing catch should keep your hands warmer. Go and get our gloves from the house.

Taiyo runs to the house. He turns, and he waves, and Aki smiles. It seems like a normal, happy scene, two brothers together in the chill of winter.

Then the Gun Devil passes over Japan, and the house is gone, and there is only Aki, staring at the remains of everything he's ever loved, unable to react with anything except pure horror and pain on his face. ]

(Ah when he looks at him closer, it's hard to not see the ache on Aki's face. It really makes him wonder what he's forgetting. He doesn't care if people hate him or even if he harms others but at the very least, he should be aware of what he did. )

Then let's go out.

(Always teasing, always menacing... and he wants to relax into that touch again. It feels nice. It's the first time he's really felt good since before they left for the desert. )

(And suddenly, there's nothing.

He raises a hand to his cheek and feels nothing but the cold air around him. Everything is white all around and he becomes alert. The sight alone of the perfectly white snow and the quiet of the air around him puts him on edge. For a moment, he thinks he might be in Kamakura again but a voice snaps him back to attention.

Looking back, he sees a boy. He's younger and smaller but he's unmistakably Aki. A snowball goes flying by and he follows it only to see another boy, someone younger, smaller, and a little more frail in appearance. He looks just like him, he thinks, and he realizes they are clearly brothers. He didn't know that.

He didn't know Aki had a brother and he steps aside so he won't be in the way when the two boys play. Crossing his arms, tucking his hands into his sleeves to protect them from the cold, he can't help but smile. It feels nice, he thinks, to see a glimpse of Aki's childhood like this and he frowns when Taiyo complains.)

Ah...

(He starts to approach, as if he could help but before he can, the boy runs back home. Tsurumaru decides to stick close to Aki, instead, curious to learn a little more about what he was like.

It's a quiet winter day...

And then he senses it. He snaps to attention and his head turns to the immediate direction of the attack. Something immensely strong is coming; stronger than anything he's ever felt before and it's coming quickly. Instantly, he rushes to Aki's side and tries to pull him away and close. His simply passes through him and in the next second…there's a great roar and nothing remains. It's like nothing was ever there in front of them.

And he just thinks,

It's a quiet winter day.)

[ There's nothing.

There's nothing.

Aki is a broken shell of a boy, unable to move even as arms wrap around him. It's as if he doesn't feel them at all, as if he's become the ghost and the world in front of him is one that he is haunting, his eyes gaunt and expression twisted in that horrifying, disgusting mirage of grief and hurt. He's a child, and in front of him, everything he has ever known and loved has been torn away in an instant.

There's a buzz of energy around them, like the echo of a television or radio broadcast; an explanation that Aki might not be able to give, but folds in with the memory as if the two are intrinsically bound together. November 18, 10:00am, the Gun Devil hits Japan for 26 seconds. The death toll was 57,912.

It's a quiet winter day and within twenty-six quiet, isolated seconds, Aki's entire life fell to pieces around him, torn from his hands, shredded. Parents he had scowled at had been taken from him. A brother he had sent back into the house had died. Aki was the last one standing, the only one remaining, shivering and shaking in the winter air, the cold oppressive and horrifying as he blinks, and blinks. He rubs at his eyes, as if that would make his house come back, revive the lost treasures that have been stolen, but there is nothing but pure, white agony.

Back in reality, there are arms around Aki, and he is shaking and shivering in just the same way, one hand lifted to press over his mouth, his body wobbly as if he might collapse at any second. It's only the solid weight of Tsurumaru's arms wrapped around him that seem to keep him standing, and he lurches, a pained, hoarse sound coming out from his throat, his eyes blinking rapidly. ]

Tsuru...

(57,912 lives gone in just 26 seconds. It sounds unbelievable to him and he suddenly feels so heavy. This is just how it is. Another burden to take on for someone else if they'll let him. Anything if it'll help ease the burden for others.

Back in the present, he feels something trembling in his arms and he looks down. Ah, he looks so small like this, and he adjusts his hold, leaning in to support him, one hand reaching to rub small circles against his back. When he replies, it's perfectly calm, the way he can always be counted on to be,)

Yes?

(Fingers brush through hair,)

Lean on me. I have you, Aki.

[ There are some things that should not be relived, some things that you shouldn't have to see more than once in your life - and for Aki, witnessing his family torn from him, ripped away in the space of less than a minute, is something that he still saw in his nightmares. Feeling bile rise up in his throat, he has to lift a hand to press it over his mouth, blinking rapidly, trying to stop himself from crying.

He can't - not here, not in front of so many people, not in front of Tsurumaru, not when his hurt and his grief feels so sick, so deep inside of him. With their relationship up in the air, with his own discontent a poison in his veins, all he can do is try and hold himself together.

Still, he leans. He leans into him, letting himself rest on this one person, his soul bared and his heart ready to be plucked. ]

... I'm sorry. You shouldn't have...

[ Seen it. Had to see it. Have to be here, to hold him up, to be there to be the one for Aki to lean on, to anchor himself to. Tsurumaru shouldn't been burdened with the depth of Aki's torment, not when his heart belongs elsewhere, a hiss of hope in the desert. ]

I think I need to sit down.

There's no reason to be sorry.

(It's not like he meant to share it with him. If he had wanted to then surely he would have already known about this. No, this is just another cruel misfortune in this already cruel world.

He hums in acknowledgment and holds onto Aki firmly as he straights himself up properly and gives him a reassuring squeeze,)

This way. You can lean on me.

(Always careful to keep his voice steady and calm, never once sounding bothered as he guides Aki away from the hotel lobby, off to a quieter corner where guests would have relaxed had LILITH not commandeered the area for their own use.

It's quiet, a little more out of the way, but not completely private. Maybe if Aki recovers more, they can move but for now, he's more focused on getting the other man sitting down.)

I can get you some tea.

(If he feels like he needs something for his stomach. If he needs to be alone for a moment.)

There is.

[ It's a horrible thing to have to see, to witness, even if it's from someone you care about - or even worse, being someone they care about. There are reasons why he doesn't talk about his past, about what happened to him, because his motivation didn't matter beyond killing the Gun, and no one really got close enough to learn more in depth about his hurt.

Walking with Tsurumaru is easy, and Aki lets him be his guide, until he can slide down into a chair and let his elbows settle over his thighs, head in his hands. It takes him a moment to breathe in and out, to come back to himself, to make himself feel... As if he can push his pieces back together.

Tsurumaru speaks, and Aki lifts his head, reaching out on instinct to take his hand, to push his fingers between the other man's and hold onto him. The dampness of his eyes betrays his fragile state, and he shakes his head, hesitating for a moment.

Maybe he has no right to ask for this, after the way he had stepped away, put up a wall, his own hurt making him sour and bitter, but the idea of being without Tsuru right now...

Squeezing, gentle, Aki gazes at him. ]

... Will you stay with me?

(His own memory flashes back to what he'd just seen. To that boy on a quiet winter's day, so small and so weak, his eyes so wide with horrified surprise... and he sees it again in front of him. Right now, Aki seems so much like that little boy from the memory that he can't help but want to reach out and keep him safe.

Their fingers lace together and slowly, he closes his hands around his. Locked in place. Anchored here. Leaning in, he pulls the edge of his robe over his hand so he can wipe at Aki's eyes gently,)

Until I rust.

(Which is really to say, as long as Aki wants.

What a shame, he thinks, that this is what it took to bring Aki close to him again. He still wonders where that distance had come from but right now, he's happy to close it but for now, he'd rather focus on the present, )

Here, come lean on me. I won't let anyone see you.

[ It's almost too easy to give in to Tsurumaru's kindness, his softness, to let himself be permitted to cling to it. Aki doesn't want to dwell on his own past, on his own heartache, trying to move past it here - the kind of thing Denji and the others would want for him to do - but coming face to face with it makes it impossible to ignore.

Fabric brushes over his eyes, and he shudders immediately, unable to resist. Leaning forward, his forehead rests against Tsurumaru, his eyes closing as he sinks. ]

Thank you.

[ Aki means it, too, even if his voice is low and quiet. One hand tries to hold onto Tsurumaru's, the other slips around him, to cling to his body in a half-embrace, permitting himself to grip onto him, to seek out his comfort and his sweetness. ]

... That's why I started hunting devils. Because of that day.

(As he leans in, he lets himself shift ever so slightly so Aki can be more comfortable. Likewise, he reaches up and around, the long white sleeves of his robe forming a veil over him. Or maybe it would be better to compare it to something like a blanket to wrap him in.

Rubbing small circles into his back, he does his best to try and soothe him. If he could take some of his burden, he gladly would. He doesn't expect it. He would understand if Aki kept it to himself. Maybe that's why he's so surprised when he speaks quietly, words soft and uncharacteristically weak as he tries to explain.

He sees. He understands. So Aki's story also took a turn on a quiet winter day.)

November 18th.

(His own heart twists. If only Aki knew how close they were right now. But this isn't about himself. This is about the man in his arms and he hums in acknowledgment,)

The beginning of a story...

(Of course, he remembers another day, when he had Aki in his arms, late at night and so miserable with himself back then too. He'd heard about the Gun Devil for the first time then. He already knows how this story ends and his heart aches for him. )

The same devil as before?

(The one that will lead to his death, too?)

[ The way that Tsurumaru is treating him is a reflection of how Aki had taken care of him before, and it fills him with a sense of utter joy - his despair at the idea of Tsurumaru being in love with someone else eased by the way he's being treated now. Tsuru wouldn't do this with him if he didn't care, wouldn't offer him this sweet relief if he wasn't as invested.

There's a desire to mention it, to bring it up, but Aki can't bring himself to do it, not when he still feels so tired and worn down, ripped to shreds down inside of him.

Squeezing at this man, the person that has so captivated him, Aki nods his head. ]

The Gun Devil.

[ Their fates were sickeningly intertwined. Aki, fighting the Gun Devil, twisted and reshaped into the Gun Fiend and having his life torn away from him at the hands of another. Nuzzling into Tsurumaru's chest, he breathes out a soft, shaky noise. ]

It killed my family, so I wanted to kill it in return. I wanted to... Have some kind of vengeance.

(Tugged closer, held tightly, more like a child clinging to a parent than a man to his lover. It's so pitiful, it fills his heart, makes him go weak and he can only listen. He's a captive audience. Utterly captured.)

Wanted.

(Past tense. No more?)

I got cold feet.

[ Another echo of a memory, one he'd shared with Bakugo. Not able to live with the idea of Denji and Power being unhappy, unwilling to risk their lives, not able to let himself die and leave them alone... But it hadn't mattered at all, in the end.

The Future was set. Aki was destined to die. He was born for it, from the very start.

Squeezing at Tsurumaru, he breathes out. ]

More than anything, I wanted him to be happy.

You had a change of heart.

(He did that thing humans do. They find something new to live for, they change their ways of life, and they keep living. It's what he loves about humans. They aren't like swords that remain unchanging. No, they're full of surprises for better or worse.)

Denji-kun.

(He nods his head. Yeah, he understands.)

Denji.

[ Shuddering, voice filled with grief and hurt, squeezing and squeezing and wanting to be anchored, to be saved from his own heart. ]

I wanted to make him happy, but all I did was cause him more pain.

Ah.

(Just a quiet "ah" as he feels the anxiety swell. As if on cue, he begins to brush Aki's hair with his fingers. He strokes with gentle, repetitive motions,)

But you made him happy. (He tries to redirect him. Guide him. Back to something good.) He was happy. And you were, too.

Remember that.

[ The gentle soothing is enough, and some of that tension bleeds away, Aki relaxing into the solid, warm weight of the man in front of him. His heart is still racing, but... It is for other reasons, now.

Embarrassingly so, after the nightmare come to life. ]

He made me want to live.

[ To outlive the Gun Devil. To survive. To find peace. Denji had given him that. ]

I remember.

(He feels better in his arms, more relaxed, more like he has before. Leaning in, he places his forehead on top of Aki's head,)

Breathe in. (Release even more of that tension, he insists.) Breathe out.

Do you feel that? You're alive right now.

(He may think of himself as a dead man but he's more than that. Tsurumaru can feel it.)

You can live.

[ Following the instructions, he nods, taking a long, deep breath in before he breathes out, fingers brushing absently along the shake of Tsurumaru's spine.

He's solid. Warm. Perfect, in his arms, and Aki lets himself hold onto that, lets himself bask in the comfort of Tsuru being here, at his side, not running off again. ]

I want to. I want to live.

[ A confession in itself. He leans back, tilting his head up to look at Tsurumaru, expression softer now. ]

I'm happy, Tsuru.

Edited 2024-06-08 17:31 (UTC)

(Ah, there he is. A little more of the Aki he's come to adore so much and when he looks up, he pulls his face away and smiles warmly,)

Then live. (Bringing both hands to hold Aki's face in his hands, tracing the shape of his face with his fingers, steadying him,) And live happily.

[ How is he meant to resist? Even knowing what he knows - or, rather, what he thinks he knows - the touch is soft, intimate, and Aki closes his eyes for a moment, leaning into the palm against his cheek.

Carefully, he leans up, brushing their mouths together, impossible to resist. Live happily, Tsurumaru said, and this is what has brought him happiness. ]

I... I'll live.

(There's that natural shift away when Aki moves if only to make it easier for him to lean up and angle his face to his. Without a second thought, he raises one hand up in the air next to them, the sleeve of his robe falling to make a curtain between them and the world around them. They are, after all, still somewhere public, as out of the way as it is.

Eyelashes flutter and he leans in to meet Aki, kissing him gently, ever so briefly and chastely before pulling away. As much as he wants more, he can read the air. The moment isn't right, not when Aki is still so vulnerable and shaken from the memory.

His priority is to take care of Aki first. He can spoil him later.

Quietly, for only him to hear,)

You should rest.

(And when his head is clear, when he's more himself, they can surely come together again.)

I can take you to your room, if you want. You can lean on me.

(He'll lead him there.)

[ Aki truly doesn't want more than this.

The kiss is an anchor, a gentle reminder of what there is between them, that despite the spineless way he'd pulled away, from his own tormented thoughts, he still cares deeply for Tsurumaru. It's a way of reminding himself of one of the reasons he wants to find happiness in this strange, twisted place - because his heart has been caught in a net that he has no wish to escape from.

His smile is soft, a little gentle as he nods, understanding.

(The sleeve is endearing, too, and when Aki leans back he reaches to take both of Tsurumaru's hands in his own. ]

I'd appreciate that.

[ Their noses touch, a gentle press together, before he nods and rises to his feet. ]

Let's go.

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